Well holy shit. I just read through my 2015 recap and it was all kinds of hopeful. Needless to say, 2016 was another shit year but in totally different ways.
Before I get started allow me to explain my months of absence: I sold out. Yes, in what was one of the positive developments this year, I’m currently a Staff Writer for a website called http://www.List25.com. I’ve been there for about four months now and I meant to let y’all know officially much sooner, but I wanted to get some posts under my belt and then, life got really, really busy, and I haven’t been back. Obviously I am back at the moment, but I can’t promise much consistency here because, frankly, I have a hard enough time keeping up with my post requirement over there. However, I’m not quitting here. I’m just not going to commit to frequent posts for now. That being the case, you should subscribe, so when I do post, you can come look! And meantime go visit me on List25.com and check out my ultra-cool bio on the “about” page ( http://list25.com/about/ .)
Enough shameless pluggery, let’s talk about sucky years. 2015, as mentioned in last year’s post, was a hard, hard year. Uber was fun but I barely got by. By the end I had found my new workplace, and was feeling pretty good. Well, 2016 continued the workplace success,
and then some. Not only am I writing part-time, but my full-time job is paying for accounting classes to further expand and refine my skills. This is a great benefit, and I’m grateful for it. It’s also probably a good thing my social life is more or less nonexistent.
Yeah, for just under half of the year I was something I really, really shouldn’t be for long periods of time: Alone. While you all know I’ve been single for literally a decade (as of this last November,) I have, for most of those years benefitted from either a relatively close-knit friend group, or a somewhat regular “companion”, or both. But as of around July this last year, both got very quiet, and I honestly grew pretty bitter about it.
I’ll vent, briefly, and then move on because this is not meant to be a rant. But I feel like some people use words like “friend”, “always”, and especially “love” far too loosely. I don’t, and I understand that individuals assign different levels of meaning to them. But when somebody promises they’ll always be there, part of me tried to believe a couple years later they still will be. And if they tell me they love me… well, if I’ve ever said that to anyone, they could more or less call on me years later and I would do my best to accommodate. So I guess coming out of 2014-2015, when my life made its first major shift before shifting again in 2106 and finally settling down, I just expected some of those friendships that had been built over years to endure more. When many didn’t, and I had already grown dark because life had worn me down, it just made me more resentful and bitter towards those that made claims they simply weren’t willing to back up.
I get it. People grow, and change and move on to new phases, but that doesn’t mean you forget who your friends were. What they meant to you and what they did for you. You don’t get to just write off years of experiences without reason.
That’s not to say there weren’t those who didn’t have their reasons, myself included. That’s also not to say that some people didn’t step up (or at least try.) I’ve joked in person that I have like… two friends now. But when I think about it, that’s not true. I still have a ton of friends, we’re just distant, and spread out, and belong to different groups. All of that is okay, and if any of you are reading this, I probably think about you, and I would probably, very easily pick up right where we left off. I’ve been busy too, so I haven’t been super proactive in social settings. (Even tonight a friend invited me out to a New Year’s party last minute and I declined. I’m exhausted. But it’s nice to know you’ve got somewhere to go.)
Speaking of, I really do appreciate those people who have hung in there through the years, and who came back on radar, whether randomly or because they knew I needed company. It was because of them, my job going well, and a few new people that have recently popped up, that I’ve been able to make it through the remaining months of the shit-show that’s been 2016 and not move away to a distant mountain in New Zealand (that was a very serious consideration post-election night…)
Speaking of the election. Fucking humans. I KNEW he would be elected. Hell, I knew it before he even officially announced he was running. But I prayed, and begged, and pleaded that just this once I could be wrong about something like that. That people would recognize the absolutely horrible and absurd concepts that are becoming disturbingly normalized and think that no matter HOW much they bought into the carefully-crafted hatred of Hillary, they couldn’t possibly elect an insecure, belligerent, hateful, lying, monster of a man like Trump to lead and represent the United States on the world scene. YOU HAD ONE JOB. And now, a very large shadow looms over the incoming year(s).
There were, I think, three times this year, when I did my best to stifle the disdain and contempt for humanity that has steadily grown in me. When things felt like they might be okay, and I could try to discard my emotionless, robotic manner in order to have a better attitude about things and maybe have a little hope. Election time was one of those times, and obviously it was swiftly and utterly crushed. There was another time before that, and one since then in which it lasted a day or two at most before I felt it was a lost cause and retreated back to the all too familiar darkness that’s grown comfortable.
But now a new year is upon us and I’m going to try again, and I’m going to try harder. My foundation finally appears to be set, and those who have stuck by are being joined by a few new faces that will undoubtedly multiply. The path for this year can initially go one of two different ways, and the first few days of 2017 will decide which of those paths I will start down. Either is a path of growth and personal development, and more importantly; 希望 (kibō) the Japanese word for hope. With Carrie Fisher among the last of the many icons 2016 took from us, it seems appropriate that this is my sole, general resolution. I’m going to try to be, and remain, hopeful in the face of whatever setbacks and obstacles come at me in 2017.
“When you defend your ideas in public, you then have to make an effort to live accordingly.” – The Manual of The Warrior of the Light. (Paulo Coelho)
Happy New Year Everyone!