Oral Sex

A Story Of Sluts

A friend of mine recently messaged me for my opinion on a subject she’s (ironically) contributing to a blog about.  She asked me for a male’s opinion on “the difference between a woman who is labeled a slut and a woman who’s comfortable with her sexuality.”  She said I she thought I would be a good person to ask, naturally I’m inclined to agree.  However, I would be lying if I said that I believe I represent the general male population’s opinion on this matter… which is most typically unfortunate.

With that said, I really don’t like the word “slut”.  I don’t use it, and it only ranks a bit lower than the “C-word” used toward women, or the “N-word” used toward African Americans… both of which make me extremely uncomfortable.  I have no business using either of those words, and I don’t think males in general have any business calling anyone a “slut” (though, admittedly, I can type that word, whereas the others I really don’t want to.)  Men who label women as such are usually HUGE hypocrites (for example my post back in August back about the “Downtown Alpha Male”) and are using the term to belittle women for the very thing they celebrate for themselves.  It’s ridiculous and just another example of men historically treating women as possessions.  Basically, “Shame on you if you let too many guys get a ‘piece’ of that which is obviously yours.”

maths_1

About that many I think.

When it comes to sexuality, people get all freaked out about numbers.  Specifically: “How many people have you been with?”   I literally scared off a girl I was actually interested in dating once because of my sexual history, and my “number” isn’t nearly as high as my reputation might suggest.  (Truth be told, I did stop paying attention at some point… so I would have to sit and think about where I’m at now… but I digress…) Regardless there are huge flaws in judgement based on said numbers.  First of all, you’re over-generalizing multiple, specific situations with details that are important.  Second, you’re making broad assumptions based on very little evidence/fact (even if you ask questions.)  And Third, you’ve got no pre-established parameters or reasoning by which to quantify measuring the statistics on which you are basing your judgement.

For instance, what if a specific girl decided she didn’t enjoy vaginal sex?  Technically she may have only been with one or two people in the ten or more years she’s been sexually active.  But, maybe she’s one of the few women that really enjoys anal sex.  Does that count?  Depends on who you ask.  Further, what if instead of anal sex she really, really enjoys giving blowjobs?  She’s had intercourse with two guys, but probably given a hundred times that many blowjobs.  Does that count?  What if she didn’t swallow? Then does it count?  If she gave YOU that blow job, should it add to that number?  Or does it not count because you know you’re better/cleaner than anyone else?

What about women?  If a girl’s sexuality includes women, and she has been with over a hundred women in all sorts of awesomely kinky ways, but has only been with one guy, is she a “slut”?  Or are you just envious of her far supirior ability to woo females?  What about group sex?  Does that count as one encounter?  Or should we count each penetration?  If so, which penetrations?  If we count all of them a girl could rack up double digits in just a few experiences compared to another girl who has had sex hundreds of times but with only nine guys since she became sexually active.  The point is, any “criteria” is flawed to say the least, and depends on the individual and their (very often flawed) beliefs.  There is no correct way to quantify who is or isn’t a “slut” because it’s a highly subjective term (which really shouldn’t even exist.)

However, for the sake of answering theSlutwalk Aims To Raise Awareness Of Sexual Assaults question, I suppose I’ll come up with the most obvious differentiation I can based not on the general actions of said women, but whether or not they are using their brains.  It’s time for a story of sluts.

Subject A is a junior at the University of Washington.  She did her first two years at community college, and is eager to mingle on the university level, but also focused on her future.  She’s always been intelligent, level-headed, good in her studies, has a great attitude, and is a finance major.  Let’s call her “Monroe” (please note that these examples are based on my personal experiences, but NOT any specific people.  I chose that name because I literally don’t know anyone who has it.)

Subject B is a high-dollar, celebrity level escort of roughly the same age as Monroe.  She’s always been blessed with good looks, and she comes from an (unfortunately) typical broken family.  She did the best she could to get through high school, but was forced to go to work to support herself and her younger siblings whom her parents otherwise neglect.  She went to work at a strip club because it was the best money she could find in a tough job market and with no vocational education or schooling.  Through her looks and street smarts, a chance meeting  introduced and groomed her into high dollar escort work through which she was able to become financially independent while providing for her family.  Let’s call her “Chastity“.  

So, I ask you, which of these ladies is more likely to be called a slut?  Seems obvious that would be Chastity.  But let’s continue with our hypotheticals.

girl-silhouette-vector3Monroe is pretty and has had little trouble making friends in class, but her studies keep her from going out too often.  However, she is being courted by various sororities and and is invited to an event known as a “mixer” with an associated frat house.  Though she was never really the party type, she’s excited to “live her life” and decides to go with her new friends.  At the party, she has a great time, and accepts drinks from a succession of very attractive and charming men in the fraternity.  They don’t seem anything like the obnoxious stereotypes she’s heard; these men are intelligent, charming and very nice to her, all while bringing her drinks so she doesn’t even have to leave the dance floor.  One thing leads to another, and she finds herself alone in the room of one of these charming young men… David.. she thinks..  Though she’s not been drugged, she’s already drank more than she should have and makes the poor decision to go along with this young man’s advances (he’s very pretty.)  But when they finish up (or rather when he does… he put a condom on.. she thinks…right?) he makes a remark about how the night is young, and they should rejoin the party.  Thinking they will follow-up later, Monroe agrees as she is hurried out his door.

Chastity:

Meanwhile Chastity is having a good night, there’s a convention in town with a lot of very rich executives looking for company.  She’s decked out in a Gucchi silk chiffon gown and her power heels – Christian Louboutin.  It’s only midnight and she’s looking for her fourth (and probably final) client of the night.  She prefers her regulars – much more comfortable and fun – but scoring four big pays in a night is well worth any initial awkwardness.  The last guy was aggressive and she liked that until he tried to shove himself inside of her bareback.  Fortunately she knows her business and was able slide out of position while giving a coy purr that said “you’re forgetting something big boy…”  he complained but all she had to do was give the serious look and hold it up for him to get the message: “No condom, no more playtime.”  That’s one of the first things you learn as a sex professional; not matter how clean and intelligent they seem, every guy is one shitty decision away from fucking up your life permanently.  The profession is risky as it is, and Chastity is proud of her many negative testings.  She plans to keep it that way.  Finally she spots her next potential… time for him to buy her a drink.

So at this point Chastity is up on numbers for the night (we can pretty much assume she’s up on numbers forever…)  So that would label her the “slut” of the two, right?  I mean, sure Monroe has made an obviously stupid decision, but Chastity has been with three guys and is not done yet.  Let’s see how the night plays out.

Monroe:WK-0612-teenagers0_3127905b

The world is blurring a bit for Monroe.  Drinks keep happening (though it seems like they are
spaced just enough apart to keep her from being sick…) and she’s feeling good.  She lost track of that first guy.. Daniel.. (he was so nice!) but now Michael has been dancing with her and has the prettiest eyes.  She’s afraid she’s going to hit attention overload… never in her life have this many hot guys been this into her.  Michael says he has to tell her something and leads her back to the rooms.  He tells her that his little brother in the frat, James (oh! he was cute!) has had his eye on her all night, but is not very confident.  He says his plan was to bring her back to the room and introduce them so he would talk to her.  But James isn’t here, and Michael tells Monroe that he feels a connection with her… she thinks she feels it too… but that could be the vodka.  There’s been a lot of vodka…  Now Michael is kissing her.. his hands are warm as they make their way down her back.. they feel good but she’s still blurry… “maybe this isn’t a good idea..” she thinks.. but fuck it, it’s not like this is normal for her, let’s have some fun.  Maybe there’s a connection
there…

Chastity:

This guy was tough.  The prostitute stigma was strong with him and he’d really liked her.  Sorry champ, no freebies for being cute.  He kept her for a while, she accepted more than one drink (one is her typical rule before business), but she knew she was still totally in control.  She started to walk away and he’d stopped her, disgruntled, and asked what her time would cost.  He said he wasn’t concerned about the sex, but that’s only because he didn’t know what he was in for.  He agreed to compensate for time – the same price – and dinner was excellent.  He asked if he could call her another night (sorry champ, I said no freebies) and that maybe he could support her in exchange for her allowing him to court her legitimately.  She told him maybe, but she knew it was a no.  He wasn’t the first rich guy to offer this, they all think they are different… better than the other guys.  The truth was she actually preferred the guys who were straight up for the sex… much neater and less work to get around their emotional hangups.  Her magic charmed them for whatever they were looking for, it was her job to steer them to what she was willing to give.  Nobody was going to own her.  If someday she decided she wanted something more, she would bring it up on her terms. But she doubted it would be a client, most of them already had somebody waiting at home anyway.  Chastity was a fantasy, and she was a damn good one, but when business was done she would ae8e1ff54665d9f8ad11f7e16e17275a1lways say goodbye.  By the end of the night he had champagne delivered to his hotel room.  “Nothing is going to happen” he said.  Bullshit.  She could see he was already trying to hide a raging boner.  She unzipped his pants… it took her fourty-five seconds to finish him the first time.

So now the score is two to four in favor of Chastity.  But who is the slut?  The naive college girl making multiple poor decisions?  Or the call girl who is totally in control?  They are both having sex, so how do we judge them?  Let’s wrap this up.          

Monroe:

Naked.  They are just laying there, but at least he didn’t push her back out to the party again. Granted the party is dying down.  It’s… what?  3 AM now?  Where did her friends go anyway?  It’s okay though, despite a whirlwind of a night, Monroe isn’t upset or afraid.  Nobody has been mean to her and sure, they’ve been forward, but she wasn’t forced at all.  They are really hot guys and she enjoyed herself both times.  Both times.. wow.. that wasn’t something she was expecting.  She turned and felt the wet spot on the bed near her groin.. there’s no way that was all her.  “You used a condom… right?” she asked.  “Yeah.. yeah I did.”  he paused “But you know, sometimes they break or something.. so maybe you should get the morning after pill just in case.”  The first twinge of frustration hit Monroe.  She wasn’t stupid, this dude lied to her.  But before she could say anything, he sat up and let out a deep sigh. “Shit… I’ve been stupid…”  At least he admitted it… but he continued “This wasn’t supposed to happen.  I was going to hook you up with my little bro and I got greedy.”  He seemed genuinely remorseful and for a moment Monroe actually started to feel bad.  “I’ll talk to him.” she said before she realized what she was saying.  “Maybe he and I can hang out, bring him out of his shell a little.”  Sure.  What’s the harm in that?  “We can keep this between you and I.” she assured him.  Thier connection was faded now, and she didn’t think she was going to see Michael like this again.  “Alright cool.  You know, you’re a pretty cool girl.  I mean, you’re hot, but you’re also cool.”  He handed her the drink she’d carried in with her “Finish that up and I’ll go grab us some more.”  It was three-quarters full.  “No no, no more for me.” she said.  It was still hitting her and any more would make the world spin out of control.  “Alright.” he said “Just finish that and I’ll get you some water.”  Well fuck it, it’s the last one anyway.  She emptied the cup and laid back down while Michael life for more drinks.  For a little while the world went black.

“Holy shit she’s naked…” a voice whispered.  Shocked to consciousness Monroe scrambled to cover herself.  She looked up to see the shy (but cute!) one… what was his name.. James peering down at her with Michael behind him.  “Wait.. did you?  Did you already fuck her??” James asked.  “No no bro, we were just talking and got into it a little… I just warmed her up man!  Look at her!  She’s in your bed, ready.” Michael said.  His bed.  Shit.  His room?  Thier room.  It was harder to think straight after her nap.  “Look, I’m sorry…” she started to say… she had no intention of hooking up with James tonight, no matter how cute he was.  She started grabbing her clothes and then she heard James say “I can’t do this… she’s not here for me.  She doesn’t even like me!  Why did you bring me up here?  She doesn’t want me, she wants you.  I’ll go find somewhere else to crash.”  Shit.. she’d let herself go with Michael on this poor guy’s bed and now she was going to ruin his confidence.  Michael was looking at her now.  He was pleading with his eyes and motioning at her.  Fuck.  “Hey.. uh.. James!” she said.  She wished she wasn’t so fuzzy… damn you vodka.  She sat up on his bed and motioned next to her.  “Come here, let’s just talk for a little while.”  “Are you going to put your clothes on?” he asked.  What a gentleman! “Do you want me to?” she asked playfully (she was already naked on his bed after all…) “N-No.” he replied. “You look hot like that.”  Well fuck it.  She was already here, might as well be naked.  But she was absolutely not sleeping with James tonight.  No way.  Michael left with a smile on his face and James sat and talked to Monroe for a while.  She got sleepy and they agreed to lay down and “cuddle”.  She was still naked, and before he laid down he was too.  It wasn’t long before she felt him hard behind her.  He started kissing her neck and in her sleepy haze it tingled a bit.  He had been sweet to her and they had talked for nearly half an hour before they laid down… she couldn’t bring herself to reject him now and hurt his feelings.  So when his hand made it’s way between her legs, she allowed it… she was still very wet, though somemaxresdefault of that might not be from her.  Hormones took over and she tried to say something about a condom before he could push his way inside her.  He reached over and grabbed at the nightstand drawer.  Then he was behind her again, and she felt him.  Did he put it on?  It seemed too quick but everything was a blur.  She told him to be gentle, he was and she enjoyed herself despite a bit of soreness.

Morning came with a headache and more soreness.  James was gone.  The room was empty.  Monroe couldn’t believe she’d had such a night.  It was a little exhilarating, but also way out of control.  That wasn’t happening again.  As she made her way down the hallway she passed by some of the brother’s rooms.  She vaguely remembered the faces, but all she got was a few amused smiles.  She looked like hell and had to get back to clean up before class.   After class she went to get the morning after pill.  She felt gross about it, but she knew it was the smart thing to do.  Days passed and nobody called, she didn’t see any of those guys again for a while.  She thought she saw Michael once, but when she went after him he had vanished.  Probably better, what was she going to say?  “So, I fucked one of your frat brothers the other night, then I fucked your little after I fucked you.  Good times right?”  It was tremendously embarrassing and part of her hoped she never saw them again.

Unfortunately, they haunted her anyway.  First in the burning sensation when she peed three days later, and then with discharge and something worse than cramps.  Her doctor told her she a combination of a UTI and Gonorrhea.  She was lucky it wasn’t herpes or HIV.  Those assholes!!  But it didn’t stop there, she finally ran into her new friends from the sorority that had been courting her.  They hadn’t contacted her since, but she approached them and was met with awkward looks.  They knew.  In fact, they told her “everybody” knew.  She was the slut that banged three frat boys in one night.  Those guys were 361298283-sad-alone-crying-girl-on-bedhigh-fiving and telling everyone that came to their house how they passed her from brother to brother.  The girls told her they couldn’t have her in their sorority, it wouldn’t look good to have such an openly slutty girl associated with them.  Monroe was understandably livid at the boys, but she
was more upset with herself.  She was depressed for a while and kept to herself and her studies.  Eventually though, she started to feel normal again.  Fuck what those people thought.  She didn’t want anything to do with greek life anyway.

I would like to say that was the end with a lesson learned, for some people it is… but months later she was invited to another party at a different house.  A friend of hers in statistics that was very smart and very handsome invited her along.  Some more alcohol, and some very pretty boys happened.  They had heard about her from some friends of theirs in another frat house.  But that’s another story.   

Chastity:

He had asked her to stay the night.  She usually didn’t but he offered extra.  Money talks.  He wouldn’t try to fuck her again, she’d worn him out and she knew it.  Sometimes it was nice to not rush off, and the sheets at this hotel were to die for.  She woke up to an empty bed and an elaborate gourmet breakfast.  He’d left his number on a card on the tray.  Very cute.  But she knew the game.  He wanted her because he couldn’t have her.  Prostitutes are looked down at because the perception is that anyone can have them.  But a high-class escort knows how to turn that around.  They got what she was willing to give, on her terms, and nothing more.  No matter how they tried.  She sometimes had referrals or friends of previous clients who would tell her that somebody had fallen in love with her or that they would treat her like a queen forever.  But Chastity was her own queen, and she liked it that way.  She gazed out the marble atrium with it’s floor to ceiling windows on the 72nd floor as she ate breakfast and smiled.  Not a bad life.

When she had more than enough money to do so, Chastity enrolled in college.  She required no loans and saw some of her regulars as time allowed for spending money.  She avoided frat parties and that sort of life because she had zero patience for the ridiculous attempts those young boys made to get in her pants.  She tried it once, and all they did was attempt to feed her alcohol and get her alone.  One guy even tried to guilt-trip her into sleeping with his “little bro” who was shy with women.  Please.  One look at the shy boy and she knew that he knew exactly what he was after.  He was no stranger.  Howsport many stupid girls had fallen for that?  After that she kept to her studies and went downtown when she wanted to have fun.  Her company was classy and on her terms, just as she liked it.  

Chastity graduated with a Masters in Business Management and a minor in Accounting.  She went on to become a highly sought after business consultant and developed a reputation for being a no-nonsense problem solver for many fortune five-hundred companies.  She eventually hired an assistant, a cute college dropout who desperately needed a job and had a background in finance to help her manage her accounts.  She was very bright, and had a pretty good attitude, but you could tell she’d been through some things… she was a little rough around the edges.  Chastity hoped she could help her rise above it as she had not so long ago.  But that’s another story.

So what’s the point of these long, drawn out stories?  Well, for one thing, apparently I like to write semi-fiction.  But  the other thing is that either of these girls fit classic examples of “sluts”.  They are both rather extreme cases, but it brings us back to the question my friend asked me: What is “the difference between a woman who is labeled a slut and a woman who’s comfortable with her sexuality.”  The actual answer is: not a damn thing. (Because it depends on the subjective veiwpoint of the person labeling them.)  But again, since we’re making an attempt to differentiate anyway, the difference is based on the choices that are made, the process, and the results.

A woman like Chastity can sleep with literally hundreds of men, in control and smart about every encounter.  Meanwhile a woman like Monroe can sleep with three in one night, out of control and making bad choices.  If somebody put a gun to my head and said “label one a slut or you die”, I would have to go with Monroe.  She made poor decisions, and allowed people who’s sole purpose was to have their with her do so without asserting herself.   That said I would not fault her, or anyone, personally as I know that some frat houses are a well oiled machines (as I tried to illustrate) designed to take advantage of naive women. But the fact remains that I have personally watched a situation like this happen in a far less understandable way than Monroe’s, with a girl who was not nearly as naive, and that sort of blatant bad decision making and irresponsibility qualifies somebody as “sluttier” in my mind than a woman who has intelligently and cleanly slept with many men.

In closing I want to reiterate what I said in the first place though.  The word “slut” is a ridiculous double-standard. The question put to me was specifically in regards to women, so I focused on that angle, but the majority of the time, that word is simply a tool used by men (like those frat guys) to shame women that they previously had no qualms about trying to get with.  It’s just another representation of the still-present archaic societal misogyny that would be better off killed with fire and forgotten forever.

 

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Sorry guys, you might not get that blowjob, and here’s why:

I was talking to a friend of mine a while back and she was telling me about the first time she ever went down on a guy.  It was a hook up that was, frankly, uncharacteristic of her as she had intentionally (and not for religious reasons) remained a virgin into her twenties.  The unfortunate truth of this story though is that it serves to highlight some serious issues that result from boys being fucking idiots.  So picture this: after so many years of behaving, a young girl decides that she is ready to take the next step in her sexual process.  She’s not ready for intercourse, but she’s willed up the courage to try oral sex (which a lot of guys will take over sex itself on many occasions anyway!)  Imagine that she’s nervous about her performance, wanting to do well and that she won’t somehow screw it up.  Then imagine the he actually screws it up, but she has no idea because she’s never been in this situation before.

Well, how did he screw it up?

By being an ignorant, selfish fuck.  To elaborate a bit, he decided that he didn’t want to lay down in the bed, sit or otherwise make any attempt to improve her comfort.  No, he insisted he needed to be standing up, with her kneeling (on a tile floor.)  He made ZERO attempt to make her more comfortable.  Have you ever spent much time on your bare knees on a hard floor?  If not, I suggest you try it and tell me if you think this is reasonable.  Like many girls, she doesn’t have the slightest idea if she’s doing it right, but she’s doing the best she can based on what she’s heard and/or (probably not) seen (which is also typically inaccurate.)  So there she is, already uncomfortable, trying to push this guy’s member as far into her mouth / throat as she can and trying not to gag, and what does he do?  One of the things you should never do without expressed permission/consent (I only say this because I’ve met one or two ladies that LIKE this sort of treatment, but I digress…)  He put his hand on the back of her head and forced her to go deeper.  By this point I wouldn’t blame her for grabbing this guy’s balls and squeezing until he started crying, but she’s not the type for conflict, she wanted to be good for him, so she finished him despite his treatment.  And you know what?  At no point did he attempt to reciprocate (he should’ve before but more on that in a bit.)  She never played with him after that, the whole thing put a sour note on hooking up and especially blow jobs which she no desire to do again (and who could blame her?!)  Well done, asshole.

This is just an example of the broken mentality that ruins certain aspects of sexuality for some women.  So let’s break down some of the bullshit you guys are pulling and therefore screwing things up for both her and the guys later on that (unlike you) give a shit.  A lot of this can be translated to any sexual act, and I’m pretty sure it stands with guy on guy action as well.

Entitlement:

Let’s get this out of the way first…  Somehow, at some point, the idea actually took hold that under certain (variable) circumstances, a girl “has to give you head.” I’ve heard a lot of ridiculous rules: “If you’ve had sex, she has to go down on you.” False.  “Once you get a handjob, she has to give you a blowjob next time.” False! Or the worst (and I can’t make this shit up): “If you’re making out and you know she wants it, just pull it out and push her head down.” I mean, Seriously!? People actually think like this!?  Not only is this wandering into rape world, but that girl isn’t going to want to go near yours (or probably anyone else’s penis) again.  It is REALLY worth it to put her through an awkward situation in which she’s really not going to try AND destroy any chance you have of letting it happen again?  I’m sure you don’t give a rat’s ass if she never goes down on another guy… but if you could get around your ignorant assumptions, and she actually enjoyed herself, not only might you find she’s really fantastic at oral sex, but that she might regularly offer to do so.  There’s this odd concept called “respect” that makes people more likely to want to please you.

You’re not willing to give:

This one is simple.  If you refuse to go down on her, how the hell are you going ask her to go down on you?  I’m not saying she won’t in every case (some girls genuinely just don’t enjoy receiving oral sex… granted not the majority) but it’s generally pretty logical to think that if you’re going to ask her to go down on you, you be willing to give what you want to receive.  Ideally, you’ll do so first based on the simple fact that (again, generally speaking) once you cum, you’re basically done.  She, on the other hand can usually keep the mood well after she’s gotten off.  An added bonus in this situation is that you might not even need to ask her to go down on you, you might just inspire her to do it on her own.   Speaking of that…

You don’t ask:

All about context...

All about context…

It’s absolutely magical what respectfully and tactfully asking what you want will get you.  I’ve beaten the concept of communication to death in these sex-based posts, but it’s true in every case that being willing to ask for it will let them know it’s on your mind.  If you’re already hooking up, they may think that you’re all about the sex itself and not give alternative activities another thought.  You don’t get to expect anything in regards to sexual activity, but there’s no harm in asking respectfully. (Protip: If you have trouble asking outright, playfully suggest the 69 position, if she likes that idea then obviously she’s okay with going down on you in the right situation.)  Be prepared though, if she doesn’t want to, you’re going to have to respect that.  Over time maybe you can communicate enough to understand her aversion to oral sex, but you’ll never get there if you act like a douchebag when she tells you no.  Be respectful, build trust and be patient.  Sometimes it simply boils to inexperience and and performance anxiety, which will never improve if…

You’re not willing to teach:

This may come as a shock, but other than issues of Cosmo and random blogs like this one, there’s no manual for giving a guy head.  Porn is a terrible example for a number of reasons and girlfriends are not always close enough to elaborate on the finer points of the techniques.  Because of this, even ladies that are grown and experienced sexually can carry some level of anxiety when it comes to performing oral sex.  So if you want to make this more likely to happen, and better yet, for her to enjoy it, you’re going to have to talk to her about it.  If she’s nervous, make it fun, offer to show her your spots and how easy it is.  You’d be amazed how few girls realize that a lot of the work can be done by multi-tasking with their hand(s).  Most guys know how ridiculously easy it is to make us cum when you hit the right spot, all you have to do is make her feel similarly confident and the chances of her wanting to do it increase exponentially.

You make it uncomfortable:

This goes back to my initial story.  There are a number of other asshole moves you can pull that turn a potential positive situation into a negative one.  The thing you have to remember is that the “pleasure” of giving you a blowjob primarily comes from your partner feeling empowered in the process of doing so.  If they know they are turning you on and (eventually) getting you off, it can very likely turn them on.  However, if you ruin the fun by being disrespectful or making them uncomfortable, then you’ve pretty much destroyed the whole situation and relegated yourself to asshole land.

For example DO NOT:

Cum in her mouth without permission.  This is a common assumption and one that can really piss off somebody who’s not expecting it.  When in doubt, warn them!!  Who cares if she swallows it or not?  Sure, the orgasm will be better if she’s willing to keep going while you’re getting off, but I guarantee it’s not going to be better if abruptly stops, spits it all over you and is pissed.  That’s an excellent way to be sure you’re not getting seconds anytime soon.  (And if you get an especially spiteful woman there’s a lot of very gross/vicious ways she can punish you…   )

-or-

Push / Force yourself into her (aka “Face-Fucking”) without permission.  Look, unless you regularly shove large, long cylinders in your mouth, you’ve got no real concept of how difficult it might be for her to handle you.  (Even if you do.. everyone is built a little different.)  So in those situations, when she’s trying to handle you, don’t start shoving yourself in further and for the love of god do NOT push on the back of her head. That’s arguably one of the worst things you can possibly so, especially during orgasm.  If you pull that on somebody I wouldn’t blame her for biting your punk ass.

Oh Bill...

Oh Bill…

Speaking of comfort, all of the above included, it’s a basic rule of the universe that if you want something to happen you make it as easy and comfortable as possible. This comes back to the silly concept of consideration for whomever is going to give you what it is you want.  To that end, do everything you can to make them as comfortable as possible in the situation.  So that means whatever position is easiest for them and if that position happens to involve hard surfaces, get her a fucking pillow.  It’s often the little things (no pun intended.. I hope.. for your sake…) that can make or break a situation, especially one where you’re asking for a big favor.  Because you know what will screw up the chances of a perfectly good, respectful, considerate guy getting a blowjob from a girl that decides she wants to play with him?  Some asshole before him that was a selfish, ignorant, disrespectful douchebag and did all of the above.  What pains me is how many of those creatures actually exist out there.

On a lighter note, the friend I spoke of in the beginning did indeed end up finding a good guy for a steady boyfriend, and eventually she felt comfortable enough with him to try going down on him.  As you can imagine, things turned out much better for her and it’s become a regular and exciting part of their routine.  So thank you, good guy, for treating her right and not letting another ignorant asshole damage her sexuality permanently.  I salute you and the the many happy blowjobs that happen as a result of your doing it right.

Dear Boys: Stop failing at sex.

**Warning:  This post contains somewhat dirty words and pictures/descriptions.  If you think sex is icky, don’t read this.**

Seriously.  Though i use the term “boy” for a reason, I’m talking to men of all ages, because apparently some of you still think you’re seventeen and don’t know how to do this.  But before we get started, let me clarify something right away:  I’m really not amazing at the actual act of sex.  I’m decently endowed but by no means huge and I’m not all that into marathon sex (because there’s only so many positions to go through before you’d like to get on with your life…)  What I do right is what any guy can do right regardless of all that:  Be about your partner.

(*note that while I’m speaking generally, I’m only (mostly…) qualified to talk about heterosexual sex.  Though much of this is universal I would imagine some mechanics/dynamics are different in a guy-guy or girl-girl pairing, so take that with a grain of salt.)

One thing most of us can agree on, is that emotional sex (or what I refer to as love-making as opposed to casual or recreational sex) adds a powerful and generally better element to the situation.  Though even then, especially after some time as passed, you guys can screw that up.  Let’s also be clear that I know “it’s not always the guy!” but holy crap the number of comparisons and horror stories I hear from ladies is ridiculous!  So let’s get started, I’ll make this super easy and hopefully when you quietly read it you’ll pick up a concept or two.  If not, I won’t be too heartbroken because frankly, guys that don’t make me look good, and are probably responsible for fair percentage of the reason some girls come back to see me.  So without further ado:

Unfortunately you don't normally get signs like this...

Unfortunately you don’t normally get signs like this…

1. Communicate – For the love of god guys put your false ego away, it’s making your manhood look small.  If a woman trusts you enough to let you touch her naked, then she deserves (as much as you do) for you to care and ask her how she wants to be touched.  Newsflash:  EVERY woman is different and likes different things.  So your style isn’t going to cut it every time.  Deal with it and be adaptable.  Ideally this conversation happens before you actually get down to it, so you have some idea what she wants and how she wants it.  Not only does this help build confidence for both parties, but this kind of talk is pretty hot for both parties involved and can definitely help move things along if you haven’t already gotten to it.  Do note however, that talking about it, even if she seems receptive, does NOT mean it’s going to happen.  Do not ever make that assumption.  Also, I realize sometimes things happen unplanned, in fact sometimes it’s ultra hot and spontaneous and that’s great but that certainly gives you something to talk about after the fact.  In rare cases, she may not want to talk about it, if so then she’ll have no trouble telling you (one way or another) to get to it and you can move on to my next tip:

2. Pay Attention! – If not vocally so, your partner will react to things she likes.  Things like muscles tensing, sharp/quick breaths, gripping / holding you in place and (obviously) moans are all great signs you’re doing something right.  On the other hand, different girls like different things.  I’ve met women that have extremely sensitive nipples to the point they can orgasm from having them licked/played with, but on the other hand I’ve known women that find too much nipple play annoying / uncomfortable.  Obviously if you try something and they squirm out of the way or push/pull you in another direction, that’s a clear sign.  Otherwise, if you don’t know the person well, it might be hard to tell the first time.  But as you get to know them, study their reactions, pay attention!  Honestly, this is your job.  This woman decided to share herself with you intimately, the least you can do is try your best to be sure she enjoys it.  That said you have an obvious goal:

Don't be THAT guy...

Don’t be THAT guy…

3. Make her cum – This IS why you’re doing this, right?  Sure, maybe you love her and you want to share intimate moments with her, but the climax of the experience is for you each to reach that great orgasm that leaves you breathless and satisfied.   Well, let’s face it, for the most part, we’re pretty easy.  Guys can usually get off through straight intercourse in most cases (and in some cases, a bit quicker than she would like.)  On the other hand, girls are usually one of three types I refer to as “Inny”, “Outie” and “Both”.  The most common of the three are “Outies”.  These ladies typically get off by having their clitoris (or “clit” for short) stimulated.  The second, less common type is the “Inny” which typically has orgasms through internal or “G Spot” stimulation.  These are the lucky ladies that can more often orgasm through intercourse along with the really lucky ladies who get through “both” or either manner.  Note though, that regardless of type, they won’t necessarily be easy.  Sometimes it’s a bit of (sweet, sweet) work to give a woman an orgasm.  In addition, women are typically more influenced by their mental state than men, meaning the more comfortable and turned on they are, the easier it will be for you to make it happen for them.  You attitude should be enthusiastic, and you should take great pride in your ability to work and make this happen for them.  Since intercourse is not by any means the best way to give a woman an orgasm, start with this:

3. Go Down On Her – If I had one piece of advice overall, it would be this.  Especially if you’re even considering asking her to to reciprocate, you better be ready to do your part.  But the thing about this is, it requires one or both of the previously mentioned steps to be effective.  It is rare (not impossible) for a woman to not enjoy receiving oral sex, but it is not uncommon for different women to like different things, styles, etc.  Generally speaking though (assuming she hasn’t told you what she likes,) start slow, tease her inner-thighs and then gently work your way up to her clit with your tongue.  (If you don’t know where it is… please google it.. for the love of god… there’s some variety, but you can figure it out.  If you can’t, nobody can help you.)  Once you have a clear indicator that you’re hitting the right spot (even if she’s silent, you should be able to tell by tensing muscles and quickened breathing as mentioned above,) you can pick up the pace with your tongue.  (If there’s no reaction at this point, check her pulse, you may have bored her to death.)  Once you have your tongue moving the way she likes it, you can take it up a notch when you:

Here's a diagram.  You have no excuse.

Here’s a diagram. You have no excuse.

4. Use Your Fingers!  – You know what the difference between passible (maybe) oral sex, and good oral sex is?  Multi-tasking (and really that goes for both genders!)  This means while you’re working that tongue on her, you can put those two hands/fingers to work.  Start by slowly sliding one of your fingers into her vagina.  Do not just ram it into her, work it in slowly, using some that saliva and her fluids to allow it to slide in smoothly.  Once you have one finger sliding in and out, work it around a little bit and gently try to slide in a second finger. (The number of fingers a girl prefers can vary, but two is generally a good universal number to start with.)  Once you have both fingers sliding in comfortably, you can go for the internal button (aka “G Spot”.)  Keep in mind again that on some women internal stimulation doesn’t do too much, and the “G Spot” itself has no real effect for them, but you probably won’t hurt anything but going for it, and if it does do something for them, you’ll probably be able to tell.  The exact position is individual, but you’ll generally have a good chance of finding it by inserting your fingers all the way in at an upward angle, and then running them along the top of her vagina (assuming she’s on her back) in a “come here” or hooking motion with your fingers.  As with before, start this motion slowly until you hit what you think is a good spot.  One of the benefits of having your fingers inside of her is that when you’re hitting good spots you can often feel her muscles tensing around your fingers (yay feedback!)  Once you’ve practiced that to the point you’re comfortable, move on to:

5. Multi-Task! – I know, you’re already multi-tasking.  But you have another hand and you might as well use it.  There’s a number of things you can do here.  The safest options are to reach up and fondle one of her nipples if possible.  You can also reach around and (gently) pull up a bit on the area above her clit, this often makes sure you you have better access with your tongue (always a good thing.)  Likewise, on some women, if you apply gentle pressure on their lower abdomen about two inches  above where you are licking, there is a nerve cluster that can enhance the sensation noticeably for them.  One other major option is to use your other finger for anal penetration.  Many women actually enjoy this (probably more than are willing to admit.) However, this is a bad idea unless you are well established with your partner for two reasons: First, if they don’t enjoy those sorts of things and you do it, it can literally and instantly kill whatever progress you’ve made toward their orgasm and possibly take them out of the mood.  Not worth it.  Second, even if they do like it, a great deal more trust, care (and lubrication!!) is needed to comfortably pull off that move.  Again, not until you know it’s something they want and how they like it.  Regardless of the accepted multi-tasking ends up being, there’s a pretty important rule:

You get the idea.  But over and over...

You get the idea. But over and over…

6. DO. NOT. STOP. – (Until you’re told to.)  There are multiple reasons for this, but the primary two are as follows:  First, consistent rhythm is key to allow her to build to orgasm.  Women tend to gradually build higher and higher (I know one woman who describes it as a roller-coaster ascending slowly before the fun part) and if you stop at any point during this ascent or the orgasm, you run the risk of not only lessening the build-up, but possibly resetting it.  Meanwhile stopping during the orgasm will very often reduce it’s intensity and length, which is just depressing.  The second major reason you don’t stop is that some of our lady-friends are endowed with the incredible ability to orgasm over and over.  Some have one gigantic one like many of us guys do, some have two or three before they are done and some can have well into double digits before it gets to be too much.  Regardless of which it is, they will have no problem scrambling away, pushing your head back, or otherwise signaling that they have had enough.  That’s not a bad feeling, when she tells you she needs a break because it’s too much.  Typically, I think a fair ratio is that she should have (at least) two orgasms for every one she gives you.  Obviously, you should give her hers first because in most cases, when a guy is done, he’s pretty useless in bed (at least for a while.)  So get good at all the above and you’ll find it’s pretty simple to:

7. Have GOOD sex! – First of all, if you’ve done all of the above, she’s already satisfied, so the pressure is off.  If she’s the type who has multiple orgasms, she’s probably much more primed to receive you now and enjoy it a lot more than if you’d gone straight to the sex.  Even if she’s not the type to have multiples or to cum during sex, she’s probably going to be pretty happy to do what it takes to give you yours and enjoy herself along the way.  And if you happen to be quick that day, she probably won’t mind, because you did your job.  There’s always the chance she’ll offer to orally return the favor and you’ll get a blowjob in addition to or along with some great sex.  In most cases, there’s no downside to making sure she’s taken care of first. However:

See?  This is important!

See? This is important!

8. Communicate! – After your random hookup or the first time that was quick and passionate and in the moment without communication, there’s no excuse.  Talk to her, find out what she likes and how she likes it.  The above is a guideline but there are so many variables.  Some really enjoy the initial penetration of sex right away (and THEN oral!)  Some aren’t comfortable with oral at all and would rather you use fingers, and some want you to put yourself somewhere else entirely!  The point is if you’ve been intimate with her, there’s zero reason to be shy about figuring out exactly what she wants.  Once she knows she can tell you without you feeling threatened or judging her (if you do, you need to move on) she will happily tell you and feel more comfortable / excited that she can.  DO NOT ever get irritated or upset about instruction, especially during, because all it will do is make you more of a rockstar for her and make her happier that she can trust you with her desires.

As long as this post is, it’s only a small fraction of what you can do.  There’s so many variables, tricks and elaborations using any number of positions (using your body or fingers to rub her clit during sex) and factors (toys!)  But start with this, and I can comfortably say the majority of women you are involved with with enjoy themselves.  As I said in the beginning, the key is to go into this being about your partner and doing your best for them.  With that attitude, everyone cums out happy.

A Hedonist Prayer If I Ever Heard One…

This is not mine.  I kinda wish it was because I really love this, but a friend of mine shared it with me after hearing it live the other night.  These are great, (dirty) words (and not for those of you who might be offended by such things.)  I had to share it with you because the entire time I read it I smiled and actually laughed out loud a few times…  in some ways it’s similar to how I feel about such a sacred act. 😉

Enjoy…

Saying Grace Before Eating Pussy

Copyright © 2013 By Curtis X Meyer

– See more at:

http://allpoetry.com/poem/10462757-Saying-Grace-Before-Eating-Pussy-by-Curtis-X-Meyer

______________________________________________________________________________________________

Let us gather now. Bow our heads before this feast,

knowing all food tastes better seasoned by praise: Praise

the arc of back. The holy reservoir. Fountain

spouting at the mouth of pipes. Praise delta.

Briar-patch of surging vessels. Praise toes

that curl in remembrance of the fires they’ve walked through.

In recognition of fires to come. Praise eyes that roll back

beyond reach of her skull, to behold the blackest night of her mind

so that she too, may glimpse you at last, O Lord. Praise hairs

stuck between teeth: Each follicle a codex of genes. Unseen potential.

Script used to sculpt future generations. Each one rising

from our breath shared now as a field of hosannas. Creator,

I stand alone at the gates of Your palace. If it is here

where life is born, then as I gaze through the keyhole

at The Nexus of Creation, I say praise the hand

that grips the back of scalp, pulling me in

so that I may kiss Your face,  Lord. For it is here

results appear instantly. Here alone

I am made worthy. Here alone I know

my efforts are appreciated. Here alone I know

appreciation as it drips off my chin. It is here,

beyond the night, beyond the eyes of every conceivable mob,

I know my cause is just. Her cries tell me

I am doing right. Here, all cheques come back early.

Cashed in advance. Returns arrive accelerated. Pulsing

in waves. Here, physical reward becomes actualized. Gratitude

cannot be contained in insincere whispers, nor faked

in the form of two-faced gossip. Gratitude, like laughter, knows only

how to break down floodgates, gushing out relentless and howling. I know

I must do unto others, Lord. I’ve laid armies to waste just to get here.

God spare those denied such privilege. Mercy on those forbidden the taste

of lover’s mouths and bodies. Grace upon those starving, robbed

of their privacy by the will of tyrants. God spare the lonely further judgment

at the hands of that ravenous congregation: They who don’t know

all bedrooms become churches in the dark. Forgive those

who boast they got lucky because they stood still long enough

to reap the benefits. Triumphant in their crusade. As if patience

has anything to do with luck. Let me to eat knowing

others starve,  Lord. I take no such food for granted. Forgive

those so callous as say they got lucky. Luck has nothing to do

with meeting objective. Forgive those whose objective is release

without first doing unto others. Our bodies are gifts to ourselves

and a privilege for others. Forgive them

the fruits of orchards they take for granted. Woman,

if you’ve never been made to feel miracle; if you’ve never

been told your body is a temple, I will do things

to you that will make you swear you’re catching The Holy Ghost

in surround-sound. I will dip my hands inside

your holy water. Make The Sign of The Cross upon my brow.

My lips. My heart. Father, I kneel before Your temple a broken man.

Praise challenge. Suffering keeping me alive. Praise asthma

reminding me each breath be precious. Praise the devils

that haunt my lungs, grind my weary bones to dust. I beg you:

Let her scent be what stitches me whole. All these shards

of collapsed armor. Father, sew me back together with her screams.

Praise senses given so that they may be put to good use: Sight. Smell. Taste.

Touch. Praise ears turned outward to welcome choirs

erupting from her throat. Praise sheets turned oasis. The nails

that grip the sheets. Tears that race down cheeks. Pillows grasped and thrown.

Praise the stains that gather. Praise the rain that floods the valley. Praise tears

that race down cheeks, cascading off her chin. Praise thighs

that close tight around ears, drowning out the sounds of bosses.

Sirens. Gunshots. Bombs going off outside our window. Praise distance.

The darkness that bides us time. Praise body. This bed. This sofa.

This backseat. Wherever it is we now conduct our ceremony.

For all feasts are ceremony. All feasts are holy. This

is what communion was always meant to taste like. A feast

is someone else’s famine. Someone else’s excommunication. All feasts

are sanctuary, and I am not yet cast out of the garden.

Bodies are gifts to ourselves. A privilege for others.

Our bodies are cities made of prayer. Let us bow

to feast upon this body. For it is not my name she calls,

but Yours, O Lord. It is not my name she calls,

but Her own. For Yours is The Power and The Glory

now and forever — or at least until morning.

Amen.

Copyright © 2013 By Curtis X Meyer

From:  http://allpoetry.com/poem/10462757-Saying-Grace-Before-Eating-Pussy-by-Curtis-X-Meyer