Philosophy

A little perspective after a long time

*Note: There are some elements of this entry that some may find disturbing, or possibly even trigger-worthy. Read (or don’t) with caution if you are the sensitive type.

I know, I know… I’ve been gone a long time. Life is like that; It ebbs and flows. It’s probably a good thing I don’t write professionally (at least not on a creative level) or I would be accused of following after a certain author of thrones. Anyway, It took a couple years for this cycle to settle, and now that it has… everything is fine. And that’s it. Nothing is wrong, and new stuff happens from time to time, but for the most part, I’m just doing my thing; day in and day out. My companions from my previous cycle (and even the “adjustment” period) have almost all fallen away. Some will come back eventually, and some will not. But for the time being I have my new cave by the lake, my work in the contrasting enormous palace nearby, my cats, some friends I see every so often (whom, I’m growing a greater appreciation for as others move on) and… me.
It’s not about time any more. I have time. I finally caught up on The Walking Dead (holy shit…) and I’ve been addicted to certain mobile games involving hunting small creatures in the real world and fantasies that are final at home. So time is there… money is still in recovery but improving daily. What I realized is missing (much like in my personal relationships) is passion. I don’t feel inspired by anything. The world is beautiful, and I am privy to exceptional sunsets on a daily basis. These bring me peace, but they do not light a fire. There is no fire. I’m not depressed, things are generally good, I’m just… here. It’s kept me from writing because I need to have something I feel strongly enough to write about. It’s kept me from photography because I’m still backlogged almost a year (sorry Jess.. I put some more up yesterday but I realize my pace is horrible…) and while I love the photos I put up when I do work on them, it’s honestly a struggle to get myself to sit down and focus on them.

At least sometimes I look alright doing it…

I know, this is a lot of whining and problems that are really not problems. A year ago at this time I was trying to figure out if I was going to have a place to live next month, so I understand that I’m not really having real problems. Ironically, it might be the intense focus that work requires of me that keeps the inspiration from showing up at the end of the day. Chicken or the egg? Be that as it may, I am virtually alone and uninspired at the moment, and while I’m making an effort to branch out a bit, it may be some time before life picks back up again.

With that said I want to share a story with you. This story makes all of the above whining seem even more ridiculous. The point is not to shock you or make you feel bad, the point is to help people like me, who are really doing pretty okay, keep perspective and be grateful for the blessings they have, even if inspiration feels a little short. Having time to worry about inspiration or passion IS a blessing in itself.

As mentioned above, I work in a literal mansion. My boss is such that he parks his seaplane (yes, seaplane) in the back yard, on the very nice lake that is shared among the local (rich) community. Though it is not the point of this article, I want to make a point of assuring you that my boss is 1. Generally a good man. 2. Gives a GREAT deal of charity and pays a great deal of taxes without complaint. -and- 3. Does not come from a wealthy family. He’s built and earned what he has, more than once.

Anyway, as his Executive Assistant (you can call me Alfred) I assist in running his business, finances, calendar, estate, grounds, etc. So as mentioned I spend the majority of my time in this huge, immaculate home. Another staff member of ours – let’s call her Jan – comes once a week with an associate of hers to do a full cleaning of the house, laundry, etc. She is originally from Jamaica, in her late-40s, and her and I have a friendly, joking, semi-abusive relationship. My boss has known her for over a decade (before he even moved into this mansion) and has treated/paid her well consistently. He is even looking into the best way to provide for her retirement in the future, as she has never had her own means of obtaining one. Not that she’ll need it anytime soon, because while she’s easygoing and friendly, she’s also tough, I mean really tough.

Our cleaning lady would kill you son.

I’ve visited Jamaica before via cruise ship. I know, I know, that’s not the “real” Jamaica. But all you need to do is book an excursion that takes you out of the tourist area and if you’re paying attention you very quickly get an impression of the reality many native Jamaicans face. While there are most certainly well-developed, colorful, historical towns, hotels, and restaurants, just outside the walls of the tourist area in Falmouth, things get progressively bleaker until the reality of literal poverty is staring you in the face. They make the best of it; You could see people smiling, laughing, and living, but they have adjusted, or have never know the extent of the comforts and security we have here in the US (despite us needing to be made great… again…)

Jan, and her family are from that kind of life. She’s happy to be here with her longtime friend, making a life for herself and her daughter here in the US that would be near impossible for the rest of her family back in Jamaica. She sends them money and support, and shows me pictures of the gatherings she attends when she goes to visit them. She is especially proud of their Sunday clothes, when they get dressed up for church.

The other day she pulled out her phone and was showing me pictures of her son and some of their extended family still living in Jamaica. She has never married, and when I asked her if her children were intentional she just smiled at me as if I were Jon Snow and knew nothing. In this particular photo set though, I commented on her son’s sense of style. Even by US standards, he was decked out in a dark suit with a light purple tie, matching vest and sunglasses to complete the look.

That style.

That was when she casually showed me the next picture. It was of a young boy (I think she said he was thirteen) hanging from a tree by a rope tied around his neck. Her nephew had decided that his life there wasn’t worth continuing, and… before they took him down, they took photos. She continued that her son was wearing his best to that boy’s funeral because he had been like a brother, and it was the best way to honor his life. The whole time she spoke casually and easy about this, as if this were just another part of life like a thunder storm or the flu. But then, for a lot of people in the world, possibly even the majority, it is.

Many of us in the US live blessed lives. Absolutely we have poverty, I’ve shared with you before that I was homeless at times growing up and have memories of getting food from the food bank to eat. But much harder than I ever had it is the racism that is still coming to light, when growing up as a minority here (especially if you’re poor) can be, literally, deadly. And while a lot of us see it on the news here, and it is wrong anytime, anywhere, in some places it’s so common that it’s not even a headline.

My point is not to say that we don’t need to get better as a culture in the United States (or wherever I end up should Emporer Trump come to power,) because we do. We have to be better because we have infinitely more opportunity than so many more places in the world. If there’s anything the human race is good at, it’s squandering its available advantages by focusing on trivial things (like… not feeling inspired…) But that photo of the boy hanging from a tree, because life was actually very hard there and he couldn’t make it, is something that reminds me of this responsibility. It gives a lot of perspective to how blessed the majority of us are here and reminds me that, at the very least, first and foremost, I (we) need to do our best to not be a part of the problems in our own culture.

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This.. should be appreciated.

People like Jan can come here, and work hard, and probably never have a life as decadent as my boss (or possibly even me.) But because she has an inherently different perspective, and the appreciation for the many things we take for granted (including our way of life itself,) there’s a good chance that she may often be happier than those of us that lose our perspective from time to time. Happiness is relative. That’s why people with far more money than a windbag like Trump are secretly (or not so secretly) miserable. Meanwhile those who give away what little they have beyond their own survival enjoy happiness that eludes the majority of the world.

There’s no recipe for it either. It’s individual… relative. Giving away everything or becoming a monk won’t make everyone happy. Nor will winning the lottery (as people have demonstrated over and over) or becoming famous. I believe the secret (even if I’m having trouble with it currently) exists in curbing your expectations and being as grateful as possible for the blessings you have. We deserve the good things that happen to us, on whatever level (so long as you do not intentionally harm somebody for those things.) There is no need for guilt, just gratitude for whatever good things come (as opposed to the trap of being sad about what does not.)

It is an unavoidable truth of this world that some people live through horrible circumstances, and maybe the silver lining (no, I’m not saying it’s ever worth it… it never is) for those who can overcome those things is the ease with which they appreciate simple things that others might well take for granted. Everyone has a story, and sometimes by learning about others, it helps you put your own in perspective.

The Value Of Time

When I begin this it was 11:47 PM Friday night and a hot cup of coffee sat in front of me. I made the mistake of leaning back and dozed away close to ninety minutes. Later, despite my best efforts, about halfway through writing this (I’ve update this intro,) I closed my eyes again and woke up to four AM. It is now Tuesday… As you can see the juggling act of my recent routine has been challenging. My social life is picking up, many exciting plans have been made, and a number of friends from the past are resurfacing in my life. On top of that, when I *do* get time at home to work on my (recently resurfaced) photography, play some video games, clean, or write… a log overdue blog post, my body immediately decides to instead use that time to shut down the moment I relax (as it did once again the last few nights…)

Generally speaking this is not a complaint. The things that are occupying my time are all blessings, and very few professional situations in my recent past have been as respectful of my time as the one I have now. However, this instantly falling asleep business is troublesome. I have to watch my willpower, especially on days I run or work out (I’ve returned to consistency there as well) or reclining for a moment will lead to waking up several hours later with nothing to be done beyond returning to bed. This and my extremely heavy calendar have had me thinking a lot about time.

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That took me three paragraphs to explain….

You’re fortunate, actually, that I ended up passing out, because what I had originally written here was a bunch of sleepy, semi-scientific and philosophical muttering about how time doesn’t actually exist and blah blah blah… Instead I’m going to focus on the point: No matter who you are, or where you come from, time is one of the most important concepts in your life. Young or old, rich or poor, there is nothing we take for granted more than the ever-fleeting instrument we use to measure change, and we often forget that sometimes change doesn’t follow the routine, and your time might be up at any… time.

With that in mind, and as an Executive / Personal Assistant, the importance of prioritizing and managing my professional and personal time is absolutely key. Professionally, I can compartmentalize and prioritize the large chunk of that time over my personal time. That’s the easy part. But it’s not that simple either, because if I do that consistently as I have in the past, I will lose the balance that is kept in check by my social life and pursuing my own interests. If said balance is lost, discontentment and eventual misery follow. Fortunately in my my current position, my Executive is pretty respectful of my time and the stress level is relatively low. This allows me the freedom to maintain that balance and pursue my interests… even if it’s a little slow and I have to fight to stay awake. Admittedly my current (grown-up) priority of sleep probably isn’t helping, but I like to think I’m healthier and happier overall as a result.

Enough about my slow-progressing interests though, that’s only one important aspect of where my important time is spent and for the majority of my readers it probably doesn’t apply. What should, and does apply for all of us though is in regards to our social time. As I fight to maintain the balance I’ve elaborated above, I find that literally minutes of my time can be the difference between accomplishing something I wanted today, or not. The easiest way to be most efficient with that would be to lock myself up in my cave of an apartment and just spend days or weeks (when not working) getting shit done. Writing, processing photos, cleaning house, gym / running, and taking breaks to get into my sorely neglected MMO would all fall directly into place. I have done that, and I like doing that, but no man is an island (as they say) and I admit that I get a greater sense of personal satisfaction from my interactions with friends, new and old.

The Philosopher

Friendship and social life are complicated though. For one, they can (certainly not always) get financially expensive. But more importantly different levels of friendship require different levels of time investment. Key here is that we all have to remember that this is a two-way street. You know how invaluable your time is to you, so you have to assume it is just as invaluable to whomever is with you. And they are choosing to spend that time with you. That’s the core of what that phrase means; to spend time, because that time cannot be repaid. Ideally, time spent should be an investment from which both parties receive something greater than the time invested. But sometimes (often) we suck at that because we don’t think about the value of everyone’s time. It takes a level of awareness to think “Hey, this super busy person who could be doing any number of things right now is choosing to engage me instead.”

With all that said, it’s exhausting to even think about being aware of every waking moment of your life. It is also not reasonable or even healthy to do so. Relaxation is also time well spent, and if your brain is completely engaged at all times, you are not going to be able to relax. As with all things there has to be a balance and I think with a few guidelines you can find that balance:

1. Recognize and appreciate time spent on/with you. Don’t question whether or not you are “worth it” to them, that is their decision. As long as you want it, accept it and appreciate it. I think people can subconsciously tell when they are appreciated and you’ll find that your interactions are generally more positive as a result.

In that moment, she realized the time had been wasted…

2. Only spend personal time on people when you want to. Ideally the people you spend time with should help, relax, or somehow enrich your life while you do the same for them. This isn’t just about romantic situations either, I’ve had a couple cups of coffee with old friends recently that were extremely worthwhile. If you walk away from the interaction with a good memory, a revelation, feeling rejuvenated, or wearing a smile, I say that’s time well spent.

The flip-side of that is spending time with people because they tried to make you feel guilty, or you feel some level of obligation to them… and that should be avoided. Perhaps if they have done you important favors in the past, you owe it to them to show up and repay the favor, but consolidate that to whatever is needed to appropriately repay them and then get out. Beyond repayment of a personal debt, don’t let the issues of others cause you to spend time you don’t have or don’t want to give on them. Doing so will only make you resent them and damage your existing relationship. Just as people can sense when they are appreciated, often they can sense when they are not wanted. Do yourself and them a favor, and be strong enough to say no when you don’t want to spend your valuable time.

3. Minimize your professional time spent on someplace that tears you down or makes you feel “stuck”. I realize (and have first-hand experience) that sometimes we have to do whatever we can to get by. But that needs to be as temporary as possible. My recent stint as an Uber driver was actually really fun at times, but on a deeper level it was having a profound effect on my general state of mind, my confidence, and my attitude. The only thing that kept me hopeful was the search and development of new opportunities. So, if you’re doing what you have to do, don’t quit the search for something better, even if takes months or years.

As far as the people go, work is obviously a little different, you’re investing time for money and sometimes people come with it, but you can minimize the time spent with them to whatever is absolutely necessary.

Some of my “Me Time”

4. When planning your time, be certain to allow “me time”. I said above that no person is an island. Well the opposite is true too. Even the most extroverted person needs time to themselves. Hopefully you have people with whom you can pursue your mutual interests, but even if that’s the case, you will want time to yourself to think about how it benefits you in the long-term. Your plan, your goals, your dreams. Take time to put everything you are doing and want to do in perspective and make them happen. Even those who are married or in a serious long-term relationship need time to themselves to process and figure everything out as individuals. Once that’s in perspective, it’s much easier to share those things with our friends and family.

The point of all this is, nothing in this world is more valuable than the moments we are given. It is up to us to make the most of those moments… actually it’s up to us to simply make those moments. But it doesn’t need to be a constant labor, it’s more a matter of reminding yourself periodically to appreciate the time that others spend on you, and in turn make sure the people you’re spending your time on are worth it (including, of course, yourself!) By doing this you can moderate/filter your busy life and make the most your moments.

You don’t know who you are

You will never completely know or understand who you are. There’s a whole unknown you floating in your subconscious that only shows itself through dreams and surreal moments when you act in ways you thought you never would or could. In some ways it represents your potential and depending on how you develop yourself that potential could be amazing, but it could also be disastrous. Sigmund Freud would probably say that trying to get to know yourself on this level is trying to get more in touch with your Id and Super-Ego at the same time.

“There are no mistakes.”

It’s a bit ironic actually, because the Ego (the moderator between those two) can be such a robust and confident thing when it really has no right to be. The truth is we spend the majority of our lives trying to figure ourselves out (and that’s okay!) I should actually say that the smart folks spend their days trying to better figure themselves out. Unfortunately far too many people are busy looking outward than inward. So they define things (especially the shitty stuff) by what their environment and those that inhabit it have shown them, instead of trying to figure out what they’re doing in that environment to begin with.

Don’t misunderstand me, I realize that people are often born into very unfortunate environments and circumstances. As I’ve illustrated in previous posts, my own circumstances weren’t exactly roses and rainbows. Some people don’t get to learn about themselves. It’s Maslow’s pyramid and they don’t make it past the first level.

An old friend of mine and I were discussing Maslow’s pyramid the other day and it both complimented and derailed what I intended to write about. For those of you uninitiated, the essential idea is that human needs and progression happen on five levels. The base of this pyramid are basic needs: food, water, sleep, sex (though.. I believe this transcends a bit… let’s call it “reproduction”,) oxygen, etc.

Once you’ve got your basic needs covered,the next level involved safety on every level. Protection from the elements, security in your job/income/lifestyle, and basic personal safety. All the things that lay the foundation for some level of confidence in your life. But once you get all that figured out, you get to start on the advanced stuff.

“Shit.. was that level 1 or level 3?”

Level three of Maslow’s pyramid consists of social developmental needs. This fuels the desire for popularity in high school and then evolves into being accepted and respected by your peers at work while simultaneously developing friendship, intimacy (there’s that sex again!), affection and, of course, love in your personal life. Each step of this pyramid can be a life-long endeavor for many individuals, but I would wager that a very large percentage get stuck here (including, it seems, me.)

The good news is, you don’t necessarily have to achieve any of these levels in any sort of traditional manner to begin work on the next level. Hell, I’m relatively sure you don’t even have to make it halfway. As long as you have a basic understanding of achievement on any given level, you can probably grasp the next level as well. But that’s dangerous, because the point of the pyramid is to illustrated how to form a solid foundation for each level and building on an unfinished foundation can (obviously) end up in disaster.

But let’s say you jump to the next level and go for the really advanced stuff. Level four of Maslow’s pyramid is all about going from being accepted, to leading and transcending the pack. Achievement, mastery, independence, status, dominance, prestige, self-respect, and respect from others are the needs this level presents. By this time, you’ve figured out how to play the game of life, and now you need to do better than just play well, you need to excel at it.

Maslow’s pyramid for the modern age.

Should you manage to develop yourself to the point of excelling at life in terms of what you want to achieve and what you want your peers to recognize about you, you’re ready for the supposed pinnacle of the pyramid: Total self-actualization. Now we’re getting into super-human territory that involves setting world records, becoming billionaires, scaling Mt. Everest, or becoming the President. Fortunately for a fair percentage of the people who are trying to fulfill this need also realize this potential by helping others find their way up the pyramid. On the flip-side though, this is where the world’s absolute worst humans do the worst damage.

The point of that quick overview though was to illustrate a point: you’ll never reach total self-actualization because you will never completely know and understand yourself. Even if you somehow thought you did, you can’t, because it’s fluid. That’s actually one of the great joys of life. One of the greatest strengths of humanity is it’s fluidity and adaptability. Some very smart, very enlightened people close to me struggle with this a lot and admittedly I do as well because it’s frankly exhausting if you don’t step back to recognize it for what it really is: growth. Not only is it growth, but it’s advanced growth that only a certain percentage of people in the world have the luxury of knowing.

It’s a given that people reach the fifth level of Maslow’s pyramid all the time, but as I

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Oh…

mentioned earlier, a lot of those people left an essential level undeveloped… some skipped it entirely and paid for it. They are easy to see, the people who seem to have everything, experienced so much, but are still miserable. They act out, break down, and sometimes die far too early and sometimes by their own hand.

The point in all this psycho-babble is that I’ve realized that the biggest mistake we can make is attempting to rush through or force our personal development. We seek to master our environment and to balance that out we must seek to master ourselves. But both are fluid and can never really be mastered, so we have to realize that it’s enough to continue learning, continue developing and build our foundations strong on each level so we have a solid base when we someday reach the top of our own personal pyramid.

You don’t know who you are, and you never will, but the point is continuing to get to know yourself. When you do, you get to the fun part: Being pleasantly surprised and amazed at what you can do… and then being able to live happily with it.

You Don’t Have To “Follow Your Dreams”

“What do you want to do?” “What do you want to be?” “What’s your passion?” “What do you want to be when you grow up?” “What do you dream of being?”

Rich. And Happy. With Kids.

Oh, you want to know how? Well fuck off, I don’t know. Except I do, and that is: whatever I can do that will get me there while keeping me happy, letting me live my life, and allowing me to keep my dignity intact/stay true to myself.

I suppose that’s awfully specific for somebody that doesn’t know, but as a thirty-six year old single male that achieved “full yuppie”, and then spent months unemployed until just recently, I’ve had a lot of experience and a fair amount of time to mull this over. What I figured out is that all those questions above seem encouraging and productive, but they can, in fact, be exactly the opposite. They can demotivate and even create insecurity where there doesn’t need to be any.

Obviously they had different priorities…

The thing is, some people have dreams when they are little, but as we grow, we change and (hopefully) so do our priorities. When we’re kids, a lot of us really hate taking naps. Sleep is so boring! But years later, as an adult, nap time is a close second (and let’s face it, depending on the person, it’s possibly not second) to the horizontal mambo. We grow, we learn, priorities change, and so does what we dream of.

When I was a young boy, I wanted to be a fighter pilot so badly that I studied different aircraft, their capabilities, their combat roles, and even the engines that powered them and who made them. I thought the SR-71 Blackbird was the coolest thing in the world. I grew up, took the ASVAB, aced it, and made the Marines love me (yes, I know I should’ve talked to the Air Force first, but that Staff Sergeant talked a good game.) They told me I could take my pick of assignments between the AV-8B Harrier II (the jet that can take off vertically and hover) or the F-18 Hornet (The fastest and most maneuverable mainstream fighter the US produced at the time.) I was sold on the F-18 and made a soft commitment to enlist I trained with Staff Sergeant Johnson to prepare for boot camp while learning more and more about the program. It would entail military “basic” school, the Naval Academy, and then Flight School specializing (in my case) in fixed-wing aviation. The long and the short of this was a minimum of a fourteen year commitment once I signed on the dotted line. And when that day came, my eighteen-year-old self thought about my friends, my girlfriend, and the person I thought I would become, and I walked away (Sorry Staff Sergeant Johnson.) Once I got realistic about my childhood dream, I didn’t want it any more, and that as okay.

Most dreams seem to involve mountains and sunsets…

But especially in recent years, society has moved to this obsession with goals/dreams. People who don’t have a specific one are in danger of being labeled as unfocused, distracted, lacking direction, drifters, or any number of relatively negative terms. This, in turn, can make people who don’t really have a specific dream feel insecure about the lack of that dream. They can begin to think there might be something wrong with them and feel like they need to invent a “passion” to define themselves. This can have the opposite effect, and lead to an abundance of wasted time pretending to care about something that is ultimately unfulfilling. Such a situation is much more common that we might think and can easily lead to a number of psychological issues. Ironically, inventing your passion is a very effective way of stifling a real passion you may not know you have yet.

For instance, I remember looking at characters in movies that weren’t the good or bad guy, but were the “right-hand man” and thinking “That would be neat… I could totally be THAT guy rather than the main good/bad guy.” It wasn’t a dream, it was just a respect for that sort of person that I identified with passively. A couple of decades later that’s the majority of my recent professional experience. Even better is that I (generally) like it and have made as much, or more than most of the people I know who are “following their passions”. I never thought to myself “Someday I’m going to be this awesome Executive Assistant!” but by being open to it and accepting the natural evolution of my career in that direction, I realized that I was, in fact, actualizing something I had passively envisioned more than a few times.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not hating on people who have and follow their dreams. I have a ton of respect for them. Many of my very close friends have pursued their dreams and passions and are reaping the rewards of their dedication over the years. They worked hard, put in their time, (most) suffered to some degree, and are rewarded by the option of doing what they always wanted to do. But that’s not everyone, and more importantly it doesn’t have to be everyone. We have to dispel the idea that dreams = life success. They can most certainly create motivation to succeed, but they are not a requirement. There are a number of other ways to motivate yourself.

And that’s OKAY!

Achievement and/or success often breeds motivation, and sometimes it takes a whole lot of trying things and failing to find it. Further, you may very well find that what you succeed at is something you never even considered before. That’s where business roles that I call “tool” types come from. They aren’t what you typically think of when you dream of what you want to become. Therefore they often aren’t “visionaries” or well-known business leaders. But instead of having their own dream, they enable/assist the dreamers in order to grow and take their visions to whole new levels.

Maybe you never dreamed of being an accountant, but you find you’re naturally good at it, and it rewards you well leading to job satisfaction and general financial success. That process can make people pretty happy. The same can be said for what I do as an Executive Assistant. I get to live vicariously through extremely successful CEOs, Inventors, Celebrities and other notable dreamers. I am compensated well and often enjoy a number of (expensive) fringe benefits without the drawbacks of being imbalanced as said visionaries often are (out of necessity really.) I stay balanced and I help to balance them, leading to a great deal of personal and job satisfaction.

There are countless roles that can lead to professional success as an “enabler” or “tool”. So I’m not saying don’t dream, I’m just saying that if you don’t have a specific dream, don’t stress it. Provide for yourself (and those you need to provide for) and take pride in that accomplishment. Just keep trying to improve yourself. Try things, fail (more than) a few times if you need to, and focus on what you want for yourself. You don’t have to have a direction as long as you keep yourself moving forward in some way. Keep making your own path, cutting through the jungle of life and you might just find that you look up and discover something that you or nobody else had thought of yet. Accidents like that have made a lot of people both rich and happy.

Always Be Honest With Yourself (And Others.)

“To thine own self be true…” – Shakespeare

“Being entirely honest with oneself is a good exercise.” -Freud

“If you want to be successful, you must respect one rule – Never lie to yourself.” – Coelho

This reoccurring theme throughout the ages is simple, but they don’t tell you have fucking difficult it actually is. I say this with no bitterness as I’ve been focused on keeping myself honest for almost a decade now. Though I feel like I’ve shared a bit of that backstory with you already… for those of you just joining us, long story short, I was a lying, manipulative asshole from my teenage years all the way up past the quarter-century mark of my life. I paid for it, learned from it and the one shining lesson above all else that I embraced was as stated above: Be honest with yourself first.

At first it was easy. My lies exposed, my life had shattered and come crumbling down around me. So many lies over so many years meant I didn’t even actually know who I was. Through all the attempts to be whatever I thought people wanted me to be, I actually began to buy into my own bullshit. And so, when said bullshit was cleared away, there was simply nothing. A husk, an empty shell stripped bare, an empty barrel with any trace of identity laying somewhere in the bottom of it. The easy part of this phase was that I had nothing to lose.

When you don’t care about anything, there is no reason to lie.

You always know where he’s coming from.

So I went on for a while as a non-filtered, brutally honest asshole. Abrasive, uncaring, broken. I severed ties with people whom had similar habits in lying that I had. In fairness I did try to educate them in the futility of that lifestyle, but like any drug it’s an ugly and destructive habit that is not so easily escaped. But I absolutely could not stand to be around it any more, so I left. After a while on my own I found those that respected and had the resilience for my abrasive honesty, but only some of them could actually handle it. The others felt they needed to change me, to fix me. The truth is I did need fixing, but not the way they thought. In the end it backfired on them because everything I represented came straight from the source, and when you’re in touch with your core like that – a direct link – nothing gets skewed.

But although that sounds ideal, it was miserable. Brutal, abrasive honesty with nothing to lose is lonely and broken and mostly incapable of operating in our society. Eventually I began to value things and people in various ways. Not (to this day) on an ideal level of love, but they became important nonetheless, and I was able to at least partially convey that to them (admittedly, some attempts went better than others.) I began to develop a filter. I still would not lie, and to this day I keep that tenant. But I began to withhold things for the sake of others, and maybe (without realizing it) for the sake of myself.

Many say that withholding is the same as lying, but I can’t quite get behind that. It’s situational, it depends on what you withhold from who, and why. It’s a grey area. Obviously if you are withholding relevant information from somebody that trusts you, then it is probably as destructive and deceptive as lying. So yes, in that case it’s along the same lines. This also includes “protecting” somebody from being hurt when they have every right to the information you have.

On the other hand, withholding information that falls into the lines of gossip about another, or exposes the secrets of somebody that trusts you is a virtuous thing. You have the information perhaps because you were involved or because they confided in you, but their secret is not yours to tell, even if that means that you must also withhold something about yourself that you might not normally.

But like all grey areas, all of those rationalizations are a delicate balance… sometimes only a step away from falling back into the habits of lying and deceit for the sake of self. This balance must be carefully maintained, and in every case it must start with you.

Situational… but clever.

It is easy to say “I’m honest with myself, and I’ve proven it so I can relax.” But that’s a trap, and one I believe I may be falling into. Don’t get me wrong, I still abhor lying outwardly and choose to be (at times) uncomfortably forthcoming. But inwardly I think it’s easy to become careless and I might very well be experiencing the results of that.

You see, the key to remember when endeavoring to be honest with yourself is to remember who you are. But the complicated aspect of that, is that who you are changes. Often. Sometimes gradually, sometimes near-instantly (and with an abundance of cosmic energy if you’re especially cool.) Being honest with yourself is a constant exercise in checking yourself against who you are, and in order to do that, you have to be ready to consistently accept some really unpleasant truths about yourself. Then, once you’ve pinpointed where you’re weak and ugly, you have to be willing to accept and then be outwardly honest about those faults through both words and action. This is the process of improving those things and therefore making yourself a more balanced, ultimately happier person.

On the same turn, you need to be really honest about what you like about yourself and what your strengths are. You would think this would be easy, but insecurity has a way of diminishing these attributes to you. It’s a defense mechanism that your mind puts in place when society starts teaching you that it’s bad to be different, or to like certain things depending on who you are, or any of the five billion other idiotic standards society tries to program into you from a young age.

So what’s the point? Why put so much effort into checking yourself when you could just act naturally and let that be who you are? Well, as I’ve been finding out through a number of difficult situations lately, if you don’t pay attention to who you are and what you’re about right now. You fall into the trap of personal rationalization. Instead of rationalizing your thoughts or actions outwardly, you do it inwardly and in regards to who you actually are. So you create this ideal image of who you are in your mind without the gut check. Instead of paying attention to how you feel about a particular situation or action you take, you create a persona and begin to check yourself against that as if it’s who you are. This is the lie, and one that many people intentionally fall into.

But the problem with believing your own persona, is that who you really are deep down doesn’t go away. If you’re really, really lucky it might adapt itself to your persona, but the vast majority of the time, it will instead sabotage it. If you don’t face it, the person you really are will sabotage you. Have you seen when seemingly powerful people have massive breakdowns? What about celebrities that have it all and then abruptly crack or even die? This list of causes is endless: Drugs, depression, anxiety, alcoholism, or general crazed, reckless behavior but it all comes down to the fact that those suffering in those cases were lying to themselves. About who they were, where they were weak, how they felt or what they needed help with. Celebrities are extreme cases because they live in extreme circumstances, but none of us (not even me) are immune.

So, for your sake, take some time to get to know you. Explore how you feel about things, people and the world completely separate of what anyone else thinks is best for you. Once you’ve done that, make sure you keep doing that as you change and grow and feel differently about things. Don’t lose touch with who you are and absolutely do not fall into the trap of rationalizing who you are – to yourself first – and then to anyone else. There is no rationalizing who and what you are at your core, you simply are. Though it takes some balance to know what to allow to the surface for others to see, you must accept yourself within raw and unfiltered. When you have a foundation of honesty such as that, it is both liberating and empowering. You know who you are, and nobody can take that from you.

Kaska-Ta and the Farm

Note: The tales of Kaska-Ta can be described as a semi-fictional, metaphorical auto-biography. It builds off of previous “Kaska-Ta” entries and will likely resurface from time to time when I wish to present situations without specific details. (It’s my blog, deal with it.) The settings/terms/names/periods are changed but the story facts are essentially true.

Indecision has been the death of many men over many years. Even for those as strong and stubborn as Kaska-Ta, we are all as little as two steps from oblivion on any given day. To think yourself otherwise is usually the beginning of the end for you. Thoughts like this echoed in Kaska-Ta’s head as he realized his own end lay before him… as the last glimmer of hope escaped him and he descended quite literally into darkness…

Weeks Earlier:

After speaking with the shepherd, Kaska-Ta went ahead to his farm to get a feel for the surroundings. He was welcomed here and regained some of his strength among new friends and a few of his old tribe-mates who had indeed come from the east. “It would be easy…” he thought “to remain here. It feels like home used to.” But something weighed on his mind, something felt wrong.

The shepherd had made many promises: shelter, friends and (perhaps most importantly) an abundance of supplies. As had been mentioned, the rains had already begun to fall in a light drizzle and early the following morning Kaska-Ta travelled west to the edge of the high ground to survey the land beyond. From this point it was easy to tell the shepherd was right: the canyon beyond was deep and irregular and would be a difficult trip under the best circumstances. With the rains, even before the flood it would be a treacherous path, and one with no visible end in sight. What occurred to him in that moment though, was that there was no path. No road, no indication of recent travel. Certainly it could be done (though judging from the canyons with a great deal of hardship) How then, had some of the villagers come from the west?

“Be careful.” The voice chimed in. “Your questions and decisions might affect more than just you.”

They ate together at lunch and Kaska-Ta asked the villagers and tribe members to speak of the western village. With little pause, they answered and spoke of a great city beyond the village that supported and traded with it. Many riches passed through the area and great opportunity existed for all who settled there.

“Why then… would you make the trip here? Just to help the shepherd?” Kaska-Ta asked himself. But he was careful and asked instead if the village was affected by the flooding. This drew a slightly larger pause but they recovered quickly enough and assured him the village lay beyond the reach of the flooding. The rest of lunch was small talk, Kaska-Ta already had his suspicions and it would do him no good to press the issue now.

That night Kaska-Ta found the shepherd with his flock near the eastern boarder of the farm. The sheep could graze here but the land was already showing signs of the barren desert from which Kaska-Ta had emerged a few days before. The sheep’s wool glistened in the soft rain under the shepherd’s lantern. “Good evening shepherd.” Kaska-Ta greeted. “Same to you traveler! Glad to have you among the family.” the shepherd replied. “What brings you out for a visit? You should still be resting after the desert…”

A shadow darker than the twilight grew over Kaska-Ta’s face. “I’ve come for the truth. I know there is no village to west… at least, not that any here know of. Why do they lie? And what is really to the west?”

“Death.” The shepherd replied. “For you, death lies in every direction but here. Just as it did for for those who came before you.”

Kaska-Ta was quickly moving from irritated to angry. “Enough riddles, enough cryptic prophesy. You know I know, so come out with it.”

“Or what?” The shepherd mused. He was right of course, violence would serve nothing in this case. But the shepherd continued “Those that are here have been here. One or two arrive every third cycle or so. Rugged adventurers like you who have survived the desert and one even reformed from the badlands. They work the farm and live in peace here. I asked them to lie about what I promised you before… to keep you here. I need more than workers, I need leaders and protectors.” The shepherd paused and spread his arms toward the farmland. “This farm will be a community and you have a place here, building it! We can be a beacon of light in this desolate land and save all those who wander this way from what will otherwise be death. Or worse!” he gestured to toward the south where the badlands lay.

“You mean we can trick them and trap them, as you intended to do to me?” Kaska-Ta was calm and cold, he already knew what he had to do.

The shepherd was now eyeing Kaska-Ta with a gaze both condescending and full of pity. “Think what you will of me friend, but you would have died out there. Any of them would have. I did what I had to do to save them, and said what I had to say to save you. That’s the truth of it.” The shepherd looked up at the night sky. “Now the rains have come and you can spend them sulking in your quarters if you like, or you can help me build something great for us and those to come. Either way, I saved you, so I think you’ll find some way to forgive me.”

Kaska-Ta grinned but there was fire in his eyes. “I forgive you… perhaps you did save me.”

The shepherd’s face brightened immediately “Good! Good! I knew you were the rational and…”

“And I’m leaving.” Kaska-Ta interrupted. “At first light.”

“What!?” The shepherd’s composure quickly disintegrated. “What!? Where!? The rains have come! There’s nowhere to go! I understand you’re angry but don’t be a fool!!”

“I’ll find my path and it will be true.” Kaska-Ta resolved this, he realized, as much for himself as to the shepherd.

“The hells with you and your path!” The shepherd cried. You’re insane! Within a moon the floods will set, and another moon after that nothing will be seen but water… water and your stubborn, floating corpse!”

“He’s not lying about that…” the voice chimed in, but Kaska-Ta was already turning back for the farm. “Thank you shepherd, I forgive you in return for the supplies you grant me… perhaps I’ll see you again.”

The shepherd said nothing, he simply stared at Kaska-Ta as he made his way back to the farm.

Later as Kaska-Ta filled his water sack and packed what supplies allowed to him, many of the tribe members expressed their regret and a couple asked him to stay despite the lies. Logically it made sense, Kaska-Ta could make a life here. But something deeper knew that it was not his path… not like this. Had everything been as said, he might’ve stayed and found a reason to settle here, but as it was it was wrong going into it and three cycles thinking of that might well drive him mad.

The rain was slightly more tangible than it had been the previous day as the first light crept over the horizon. It felt better than the relentless sun and the ground was slightly softer through Kaska-Ta’s boots. (He was grateful he had kept them through the desert, they were heavy, but protective and waterproof.) The rains would undoubtedly soak him over time, but with his feet dry and his long coat preserving his body heat, he would last a while.

“Where will you go now?” The ever-vigilant voice chimed in, as if it didn’t already know. Kaska-Ta was well aware the banter of the voice was for his sake as opposed to actual curiosity.

“South.” he replied. “Time is short, and at least there I already know they will lie to me. I’ll use them as I need to and see the path that lies beyond.”

“I don’t think I have to tell you that may not go as planned.”

“Did you have a better idea?” Kaska-Ta smiled to himself, waited through the expected silence, and continued. “It never does. But I have to keep moving and if I stay here, I’ll die for sure.”

And so the rains came, and Kaska-Ta descended south into what he expected would be darkness. Darkness he found, but it was nothing like he had hoped.

Martial Arts University 2015 – Afterthoughts

First, this post is far longer than average, and I’ve already trimmed a bit, so bear with the novel and I hope the content keeps you entertained. Second, I’m going to admit right away that I will have trouble writing as candidly here as I have for most entries. This is primarily because I realize that a fair amount of my audience from Facebook is comprised of students (and at least one Master) who are members of Martial Arts World. However, I am nothing if not honest and I do not wish or expect my opinions to be shared by them. In truth, anything that could be perceived as negative at any point in this post is a result of my own issues and not necessarily the fault of MAW or those who operate their schools.

The beginning of a long post, and more than just a hobby.

With that disclaimer said, this was probably the best Martial Arts University thus far. Generally speaking the attitude and experiences were very positive. Grandmaster has greatly refined his speaking and philosophy to a level that is much easier for his students of all levels to digest. Meanwhile the team of Masters and CEOs that lead the week-long event appeared unified and supportive of one-another (for the most part…) Having been away for a time now, I found myself approaching the same questions with new answers and some level of uncertainty. I think the best approach in attempting to explain this to you is to quote some of said philosophy and comment on it so you have an understanding of the sort of discussions that go on both internally and externally.

“Discover who you really are. What do you do? What do you want to do?”

This is, and always has been difficult for me. At any given point what I want to do changes. I want to write, so right now I am writing. Am I a writer? Sure. But it is certainly not anything close to the majority of what I do. I am also a Photographer, Graphic Designer, Executive Consultant, Mentor, Uber Driver, Assistant, Teacher and Martial Artist.

These are all things I want to do… sometimes. But some aren’t feasible as a career, some aren’t something I want very often and some, frankly, I’m just not good enough at. So then I’m left with the question of how to define myself. Which leads me to…

“Your habits make up who you are.”

Well… shit. I don’t have the best habits, but I like them. What are my habits anyway? I try to write here at least once a week on average (months of hiatus notwithstanding… I DID say “try”) I take tons of photos on my iPhone and contrary to popular belief they are not all selfies and food porn… I currently drive much of the night and sleep much of the day (granted Ramadan facilitates that) and when not fasting I make it a point to do something physical (be it Running, Lifting or Martial Arts class) every other day. Meanwhile the search for ideal steady employment continues.

But that in itself is an entirely different question: Is what you do for work who you are? Some people say yes, others absolutely refuse to let their work define them. I’m not sure where I fall on that spectrum, except that I must find my work fulfilling or I will get bored easily. There must also be a good work/life balance. Many at the executive level preach more of a work/life synergy, but most of the people who do so successfully are the founders of the company to whom their work is more or less a part of them, even a hobby, so to them it will never feel the same as it does to any other employee who is there out of some level of necessity.

“Successful people often set their goals by their talents.”

Sometimes “mediocre” looks kinda cool though.

Well then what are my talents? I write this blog, but does that make me a good writer? (If we’re talking about editing, I think not, but perhaps content sometimes…) I’m a mediocre Martial Artist on the physical side. My photography skill is good, but unpracticed and still developing and my photo-manipulation work is meticulous but much slower than some of the pros I’ve seen.

My real talents are a bit more intangible: I’m highly adaptable, versatile and capable of adopting new concepts to a functional degree in a very short time. I have high mechanical reasoning ability that allows me to recognize systems (including people) and figure out how they work and what I need to do in order to alter them (as in repair or modify… or destroy in some cases.) This makes me relatively good at tech work, assistant work or anything involving multiple tasks over multiple disciplines. Basically I’m pretty good at finding the button and pushing it, wherever it may be.

But how does that translate to goal-setting? It means I can pretty much set my goals to do anything and everything and eventually reach them. It also means I will probably take a fair bit longer to do so and never quite to the level of somebody with a natural focused talent in any particular area. But with no clear talents, I suppose it is up to me to decide what to shift my energy towards and what goals to create.

“Positive goals with clear deadlines create purpose.”

Remember this?

Ah, my eternal weakness: “What do you want?” That’s why we set goals right? To achieve what we want? Well as I said in my “Who Am I Anyway” section; I don’t know, I just want to “make it”. My only dream is that of the iconic “Christian Grey” style setting in which I stand at the top of a tower in a lavish marble-clad setting overlooking the city below me through floor to ceiling windows. There I watch the sun setting and smile because I finally made it. But I don’t know what “it” is, and I don’t know how to get it, so there’s a small chance that will never happen simply because I can’t even decide what direction I want to go in to get there.

And then there’s the issue of family. Since I was a boy I’ve wanted children. I don’t know if it’s a biological thing or if I just like myself so much I want to make clones, but part of me feels that a happy family/children is one of the greatest legacies we can leave behind when we depart this world. However, trying to balance this dream with the one above will require a delicate balance, as I said, I want my children happy. Of course I have to find the right person to make those children with first, and almost nine years later the search continues.

“Without goals you have no reason to wake up early.”

These days I don’t really…

“The moment we commit to a huge goal is the moment we invite obstacles into our life.”

This scares me less than anything else that was said, but I found it pretty profound. It’s just a really good way of saying once you’ve chosen your path, it’s going to be blocked in places and we have to work our way around in order to continue. I don’t mind the work as long as I can find the motivation.

“How can you lead others if you can’t lead yourself?”

50 Shades of Green at MAU.

About that motivation, the truth is I don’t much care about being the leader. Except that it drives me absolutely bonkers when the person who is supposed to be the leader is completely inept in some form. It usually boils down to either leadership skill or specific skills toward the task at hand, but I expect both from the person I choose to follow. When it’s obvious to me that I can do better, I feel motivated to either remove said leader, enable a replacement to somebody more qualified, or move on to somewhere that I feel is better suited for me.

More and more I’ve felt like perhaps despite my hesitance I am meant to lead in some capacity. I don’t fear it, I’ve been advising people for a long time, I just don’t care about the spotlight. Recognition among my peers is enough for me. But if I am to lead I need to figure out where I’m leading to, where I want to lead to, and to believe it’s best for everyone involved.

“You cannot live for even four seconds without hope.”

While I understand that this is probably not meant to be literal, I believe I’m the exception. I have very long periods of simply existing. In fact, I find that hope is a dangerous thing because it is when that hope is combined with expectation that breeds disappointment. On the other hand, to walk without hope is to walk in darkness, so it is indeed necessary for happiness. But life doesn’t always have to be happy (certainly ideally so,) sometimes it’s okay for it to be grey for a while.

“If water stays in one place for too long, it becomes stagnant.”

Sometimes the flow is looks very still, but it is still moving.

Sometimes the flow looks very still, but it is still moving.

In context he meant that you must keep growing, learning and innovating to be successful in your life. But part of me also wants to relate this to “You’ve gotta keep moving.” Though I’ve traveled much in my time and lived in many places, where I sit now I the longest I’ve stayed still since I was a boy in the Seattle area. Obviously much has changed while I’ve remained here, but I have to admit a part of me was excited to move on to a new place again.

On the other hand though, remaining in one place, having a “base” is the best way to establish roots and relationships. Granted, as I will comment on later, I may not be great at forming long-lasting relationships on any level regardless of my location.

Closing and my MAU Insanity: Among them but not one of them.

There’s a lot more than above, but this is enough for one post. The final admittance/revelation is that every year that I go to this thing, about halfway through it drives me a little insane. What I mean is that something in my normally composed self goes off-kilter and it throws me for a very odd, often negative loop. The all too familiar feeling of separation that I struggle with takes hold and despite being surrounded by hundreds of people, I feel alone. These camps almost always take place over the full moon cycle, so that’s one explanation as the full moon has been known to… unbalance me a bit (among other things.)

Another more obvious reason is that until this year I’ve always had the role of Grandmaster’s Assistant, which is much like I wrote above; among the students at camp, but separated because my focus is Grandmaster. There is both security and isolation in this position, and it is possible previous years have simply imprinted this mentality on this particular event. Further, the stress level for anyone who takes serving Grandmaster seriously has been quite high historically. It seems this year we saw a slightly more balanced, kinder grandmaster than in previous years, but this may also be because I was not directly involved with him this round.

Balance Pieces

With all that said, there is some evidence to support that this isn’t all in my head. With the exception of the Masters and some of the CEOs who are more familiar with me, the other students, (including those I was close to from my home school) for the most part regard me at a distance. There are exceptions of course, especially from a particularly outgoing school from the west coast, but in general it indeed feels like I am seen as not another student, but something else. Respected for the most part, but separated.

For instance, there was an abundance of photos taken, selfies, group pictures, and celebrations throughout camp and after testing on the final day. But never was I approached to be a part of these groups. I was not excluded purposefully (this is not a rant!) but more it was as if I was invisible. Sometimes I was of course, serving one of the Masters as I did required that I slip away at times, but other times I simply went about my business and was paid no mind. Again, this may simply be a matter of that being how it’s always been. As Grandmaster’s Assistant, even when I received my own Black Belt certificate two years ago, I had perhaps twenty minutes for pictures with a few close friends before I had to vanish.

The offset of this is that I have the honor of spending a great deal of time with Grandmaster and the Masters of my organization to the point I can speak my opinion over meals and discussions and be regarded with consideration and respect (that’s not to say other students wouldn’t, they simply have far less opportunity.) So that is, in effect, my “group of friends” as a substitute for the ones that pay me little attention since I stopped actively working for Martial Arts World.

Stay tuned!

Admittedly, my training has been sparse over the last eighteen months or so because I have little reinforcement from anyone other than my master. My peers that I trained with over the years have either left the organization or simply don’t much care when I try to motivate them to take class with me. Though I appreciate the training, a huge draw of martial arts has always been the people, and when you don’t have those people to train beside, or motivate you, motivating yourself becomes more difficult.

Fortunately this camp has renewed my resolve a bit, and renewed my selfishness. I have never needed people before and I don’t need them now. My plan is to train, refresh and test for the rank of instructor next year. When I do, I want to be qualified to do so in my own mind, meaning that even if my technique is not perfect, I know my philosophy, physical curriculum and the physics behind it well enough to pass it along. I will do it, and not for anyone but my master(s) and for myself. Hopefully along the way, new connections might form and I may not feel so isolated among my peers. If not, I’m pretty used to being different, and I’ll just have to take pride in that as well. I can, and I will.

Immortals

**Note: I wrote this almost exactly one year ago before I had this blog. When I came across it again I wanted to share because it still rings true.**

Regardless of your spiritual or scientific belief, the truth of this world is that nothing ever actually ends. It is fact that nothing ever simply ceases to be, but instead changes. Your mentality, state, form, mind or even spirit can all change to the point that you may not even be recognizable, but you did not end; you changed.

Further, if you trace back through the line of your past, before you were even conceived, you existed (through your parents and their ancestors) as some form of matter and/or energy that has taken a journey since the beginning of time to become you. Your current form is the culmination of that journey, and when you pass on the journey continues. It does not end, it *never* ends. It just changes.

So when you take a look at your world, try to make the scope as big as you can. Literal and nearly impossible miracles have occurred for you to be the unique entity that you are, made (quite literally) out of celestial star matter and energy that has specifically changed form to become the person you are, reading this now.

It’s easy to let that make you feel small, but that’s a mistake. You owe it to the process that started when time began to make the most of every moment of this chapter, to make the most progress that you can so the future forms of your matter can be that much more developed or enlightened. Those are your children. That is your energy and your infinity.

Make the most of it.

Generations

A young man I know recently posted this quote I’ve seen a few times:

“I am a millennial. Generation Y; born between the birth of AIDS and 9/11, give or take. They call us the global generation. We are known for our entitlement and narcissism. Some say it’s because we’re the first generation where every kid gets a trophy just for showing up. Others think it’s because social media allows us to post when we fart or have a sandwich for all the world to see. But it seems our one defining trait is a numbness to the world. An indifference to suffering.”

While this is technically untrue (Gen Y is defined as being born in the early 80s and the virus that causes AIDS in 1983), the fact that he would feel the need to post this in reference to he and his era made me think a little.

Being born in 1979, I’m technically a member of Generation X but I fall into the grey area on that is the area between the end of Gen X and the beginning of Gen Y (one ends and the other begins in the early 80s.) According to the internet (the authority on all things true…) Generation X is described as:

“People born between 1961 and 1981, are highly educated, active, balanced, happy and family oriented. The study dispels the materialistic, slacker, disenfranchised stereotype associated with youth in the 1970 and 80s. Unlike their parents who challenged leaders with an intent to replace them, Gen Xers are less likely to idolize leaders and are more inclined to work toward long-term institutional and systematic change through economic, media and consumer actions. Compared with previous generations, Generation X represents a more apparently heterogeneous generation, openly acknowledging and embracing social diversity in terms of such characteristics as race, class, religion, ethnicity, culture, language, gender identity, and sexual orientation.”

Oh John, you romantic slacker you…

Pretty good right? Well it would be, if it were entirely true. Let’s look at some of the pop culture that reflects that generation (X): Movies like The Breakfast Club, Say Anything, Empire Records and even Kevin Smith’s Clerks defined Gen X young adults growing up over two decades. What did they really say about us? All were essentially young adult characters who were more interested in philosophizing and falling in love than actually settling with a long-term career and family. Sure it’s fiction, but that still sounds a little more accurate when I recall my high school environment and the years after. It’s a generalization of course, and the majority of us have turned into functional, comfortable members of society on some level. But generally speaking generation X was whimsical growing up, and eventually they got really good at it. So good, in fact, that they brought the rebel, non-suit, out-of-box mentality to corporate America (and the White House…) and created some of the more innovative and successful companies ever, many of which specialized in consumer technology and quite literally paved the way for the very traits that defined the following generation.

But what’s important to remember here is that generation X had a pretty slow start. They started in the shadow of the post WWII baby boomers in an era where space travel was a magical, advanced reality from a distance, but beyond that their worlds were very small. They lived in communities and had long-developed routines from the generations that came before them. They rebelled against this by really not doing anything for a long time. They slacked off, and they dreamed of doing something different, and easier than what was always done. Only years later as they came into their prime and felt the desire to leave their mark on the world, did they focus their mental abilities on developing better ways to productively do less. That’s right kids, modern technology was developed and advanced by Generation X to make it easier to get by while being lazier. At work, at home, for entertainment, the Gen X folks created more ways to get things done without really doing anything. Naturally, the whole world adopted these revolutionary ideas, and the world that once was vast and localized became much, much smaller and connected. So the stage was set, for Generation Y.

“They call us the global generation.”

Well… it’s gotten a lot smaller…

Yes indeed, that’s more accurate than it’s ever been. With the world (excluding those at least directly walled off) now connected, any person, anywhere is literally a few button pushes away. With that comes information some people never ever dreamed existed as well as realities about the planet and the people that inhabit it that many could not imagine and would rather have not known. The world is small now and it’s innocence is lost. For anyone that is connected, the bliss of ignorance is essentially destroyed.

“We are known for our entitlement and narcissism.”

What they should really be known for, is being born to a world that nobody else ever has been. Do you think people were never entitled before you? Far more so. And narcissism has also existed since people discovered their reflection. For somebody to suggest that generation Y is any worse is just silly. One look at the class-based societal structure that dominated much of the world throughout the history of civilization will show you a great deal of very obvious entitlement and narcissism. The only difference Generation Y has shown, is that they accept it as a flaw, and don’t care to hide it. They are the first generation born with the ability to broadcast everything they are to the world, their perfections and flaws and celebrate it. In short, they give zero fucks about the labels anyone places on their humanity. Gen Xers started it by rebelling against what was always traditionally “proper” on a massive scale, and generation Y is simply taking it another step further. Humanity is, and always has been flawed. Generation Y is just not buying in to pretending it’s not. They are the most real generation we’ve yet encountered.

“Some say it’s because we’re the first generation where every kid gets a trophy just for showing up. Others think it’s because social media allows us to post when we fart or have a sandwich for all the world to see.”

Don’t worry humanity, a little visine should clear that right up!

Unfortunately, being real is not all fun and games. While Generation Y has produced some of the most brilliant and revolutionary minds possibly ever, the flip side is that they are rapidly dismantling the curtain that so much of humanity had pulled over themselves in the previous generations. When that curtain is pulled back and that light is cast, the reality of humanity, possibly even the majority of it, is ugly. With the world connected, there is nowhere to hide, so the ignorance, lies, brutality and utterly pointless evil of humanity is exposed over and over again, every day. Many ignore it by focusing on that “fart” or “sandwich” that was posted instead. Some recognize and passionately speak out against it. Some actually do something. But the reality that Generation Y has to face more than any generation before it is the constant reminder that humans generally suck, and there’s no simple way to fix it. No longer is it the good guys vs the bad guys like the Allies and Axis. Now it’s “our ideas vs your ideas, and we’re both wrong, but let’s see who is less wrong.” It’s no different than it ever was throughout history, but now it is seen and cannot be unseen. Now it stares Generation Y in the face.

“But it seems our one defining trait is a numbness to the world. An indifference to suffering.”

This is also nothing new. Before perhaps, a great deal of blissful ignorance took the place of numbness or indifference. But what really happened is that Generation X created the tools to remove the pretty wrapping, and Generation Y cut it away. What faces them was an ugly, festering wound that had always been there and they realized they (like all the generations before them) were causing it. It isn’t numbness or indifference to the suffering, it’s more like hopelessness. It’s more like “Oh jesus christ.. it’s everywhere.. it’s the whole world.. it’s ME.. how the hell can I possibly fix THIS!?” This realization is quite literally paralyzing. It forces people to just keep doing what they were doing, or following who they were following, because if they don’t find something to do in order to distract themselves or feel like they are helping, they risk falling into fear, despair and depression. It’s not the first time people have discovered humanity’s penchant for terrible things, but it’s the first time it’s been a forced global awareness. That, is what Generation Y has to face.

Like THAT guy. He knows what he’s doing.

So, how do we fix it? God? Though many still attend and have their faith, religion is no longer the blind fix-all it oncechampioned itself as, and the more progressive religions admit that outright. Our “leaders”? Well American politics is questionable at it’s absolute best because even a good person at the top has to listen to what represents “the majority”. We have to face that said majority is more often than not controlled by a majority of people that are part of the problem. At the same time though, we’re well past the point of no return in terms of society. Without outside intervention (ie: catastrophe or act of god) there is no way to “reset” the rules of the game. No, there is no clear way to fix it. Thankfully though, more and more people from Generation X and Generation Y (and even those before them) are trying. I think the best way any individual can do anything at this point is find the people who have learned the rules of the game, are doing what they believe are the right things the right way, and then follow them.

But first things first. The feelings that spawn the quote from the beginning of this article are the challenge that Generation Y must overcome. What the quote said is not the problem, where it came from is. What I mean is that nothing rings more true for Generation Y, the aware generation, than the need to face themselves. Before you can be a part of any solution, you have to be certain you’re not a part of the problem. It may sound cliche’ and zen-like, but when a huge amount of individuals learn to be all the things so much of humanity has not traditionally been: straightforward, peaceful and especially honest.. then the world will notice and just maybe the world will change. Maybe it is a little narcissistic, but you have to fix you first, end of story. Perhaps that will be the legacy passed on to the next generation.

I don’t really know what this post is about (but it’s not sex.)

aka: Random semi-coherent abstract loosely connected somewhat-logical philosophical un-sexy musings and ramblings about living.

There’s usually three different arguments in regards to the happenings in life. The first goes something like “Heathen! Everything happens for a reason because it’s (**insert your god/gods/entity/demon/timelord here**) plan!” (Though if you chose timelord I can’t argue with you… because you’re awesome.) Also in this category is “IT IS YOUR DESTINY!” type thinking. Second is the opposite idea like “Idiots. Nothing happens for any reason. Our existence and everything that happens is just a random coincidence fueled by variables and probability.” So then naturally the third possibility is the moderate approach of “Some things are meant to happen, but we have free will and can go in the direction we please. We can make things happen, our future is yet unwritten.” Simplified, it boils down to fate, coincidence, or a bit of a sandbox.

Some Time Lords are better than others…

Based on what I’ve written before, you can assume I’m either the first type (cycles?) or the third. Acknowledging any real system at all basically kills option two because it disagrees with anything that indicates an organized (by what?) system. Without ranting too much about religion (because I’m just not a fan of organized religion…) I’ll go ahead and say that I don’t want to believe in option one because, frankly, it’s a terrifying prospect to simply exist with no purpose other than going through predestined motions. Fortunately it doesn’t make a lot of sense either though. Why would god (Timelords don’t do that anyway…) bother giving the ability to reason and be creative to drones that are simply going to run their course anyway? For an omniscient being that’s pretty wasteful, and quite honestly a shitty system design.

So let’s go with option 3: the “sandbox”. This essentially says we belong to a system, probably one architected by something, somewhere that we don’t and possibly can’t understand. This is a more comforting idea for a number of reasons. It leaves room for a naked, white-beareded, benevolent man chilling up on a cloud surrounded by little winged babies with instruments. It also leaves room for a lizard master race that wants to use us as slaves (fortunately the time lord will probably save us from that.) But deities aside, what makes this ideal is the fact that it leaves room for both purpose, and reason.

“Why are we here?” is one of the oldest questions out there, and lots of people (including me) think they have the reasons figured out. But let’s try to avoid the overly-spiritual side for now and stick with the logical. “Sandbox” logic says we exist in a self-sustaining system. Which means, in fact, that we are a component of that system. Could it go on without us? Yep, it might even be better off, but it would be very very different. A key component of a self-sustaining system is the ability to adapt. We actually mirror that trait as self-sustaining, adapting systems ourselves. So the basic answer is, we are here because we’re a part of an ever-adapting system, and we would continue to be, except that we have this silly free will that causes us to continuously add and change a great number of variables in this system. The truth is that humans are really fucking things up. It should be utter chaos, and some people think it is, but it’s not really. Instead, despite the massive disruptions we’ve caused, the system continues to adapt. Maybe it won’t indefinitely, but for now it’s hanging in there.

Oops.

But why would it? Think about it: nature is beautiful, but it’s also harsh and unforgiving towards it’s predators. If it were up to a mindless, instinctive system, I don’t believe humans would exist. The only explanation is that the system was designed to allow for the bullshit humans pull. So it becomes a matter of intelligent design (That said.. allowing humans to exist doesn’t seem that intelligent on the surface… but faith, ya know?) But rather than shooting back to option A and saying everything is scripted (that would be really un-intelligent design…) this supports the idea that the system is set up for us, and parameters are set, but we get to navigate it the way we choose. Some things are meant to happen on our individual paths, but if we really choose to, we can fight that… and usually face the consequences. Consequences aren’t a punishment, it’s just what happens when you think you know what’s better for you than the supposed relatively omniscient mind that laid out your path. The system is set up knowing that some people will always want to “fight the power”, even if it’s actually good for them.

Now (I know.. by now you’re like “Jesus.. get back to the sex posts…!”) let’s be optimistic and assume whatever charted your path did so with the idea you will experience what you need to. The sad truth is, what people need to experience isn’t always happy. In some cases it’s really, really fucked up. The reasons for this on a spiritual and philosophical level could fill up a whole series of posts, but the reason for this on a logical level is pretty simple: The system can’t support that sort of imbalance. If nobody died, the system as it is now would crash catastrophically in a very short time. The key element to any self-sustaining system (including ourselves) is balance. When thrown out of balance, the system will do whatever it needs to (indifferently) to right itself. That’s why bad things happen to good people, people die for no reason and sometimes people who really don’t deserve to get ahead do anyway. In some way the system has to rebalance itself, and it quite frankly doesn’t care if you like how it does it or not.

But since you’re reading this, you’re one of the many who fall on the fortunate side of this system. Thus far you might’ve had a hard path, but comparatively you are able to sit and spend time reading a blog rambling on about some obscure philosophy, so you’re not doing half bad. Well, think of all the shit you got through to get here. I’m willing to bet if you go only a couple years back, things have happened you never would’ve planned for. Now if you think about all the steps that led you here, some of them made no sense at the time, and even seemed detrimental, and yet everything fell into place to get you here.

I didn’t say it would always be easy regardless…

Perhaps where you are right now isn’t where you want to be. Well, you do have the power to change it, and you have choices as to how. You can try to abruptly change your direction and charge another way in blind defiance, but that very rarely helps anyone. You can swim against a river for a while if you are strong enough, but you will go farther, faster, with less effort if you go with the current. So another option is to charge forward with the current; head down and paddling with all your strength. This will get you the farthest, fastest. The problem with this is that you will eventually burn yourself out, and either sink or be at the mercy of the current. So the obvious choice to me, is to flow with the river, using your energy to keep your head up, avoid dangers and grab what you can find to help you. The other advantage to this is that it’s the easiest way to link up with others traveling the river in the same way.

All river metaphors aside, if you choose to believe you have paths laid out for you, driven by your choices, then you will also begin to see signs that give you some hint as to which path will go where. All those seemingly random events and choices throughout your life have magically chained together to bring you to who and where you are now. If you’re reading this, you’re not done. The good news is, beyond all the endless complication and self-importance humans bring to their lives, there is only one thing any of the three options I mentioned earlier expect of you. Choose, and act.

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The Grey Area

Moderate. Libertine. Hedonist.