*Note: There are some elements of this entry that some may find disturbing, or possibly even trigger-worthy. Read (or don’t) with caution if you are the sensitive type.
I know, I know… I’ve been gone a long time. Life is like that; It ebbs and flows. It’s probably a good thing I don’t write professionally (at least not on a creative level) or I would be accused of following after a certain author of thrones. Anyway, It took a couple years for this cycle to settle, and now that it has… everything is fine. And that’s it. Nothing is wrong, and new stuff happens from time to time, but for the most part, I’m just doing my thing; day in and day out. My companions from my previous cycle (and even the “adjustment” period) have almost all fallen away. Some will come back eventually, and some will not. But for the time being I have my new cave by the lake, my work in the contrasting enormous palace nearby, my cats, some friends I see every so often (whom, I’m growing a greater appreciation for as others move on) and… me.
It’s not about time any more. I have time. I finally caught up on The Walking Dead (holy shit…) and I’ve been addicted to certain mobile games involving hunting small creatures in the real world and fantasies that are final at home. So time is there… money is still in recovery but improving daily. What I realized is missing (much like in my personal relationships) is passion. I don’t feel inspired by anything. The world is beautiful, and I am privy to exceptional sunsets on a daily basis. These bring me peace, but they do not light a fire. There is no fire. I’m not depressed, things are generally good, I’m just… here. It’s kept me from writing because I need to have something I feel strongly enough to write about. It’s kept me from photography because I’m still backlogged almost a year (sorry Jess.. I put some more up yesterday but I realize my pace is horrible…) and while I love the photos I put up when I do work on them, it’s honestly a struggle to get myself to sit down and focus on them.
I know, this is a lot of whining and problems that are really not problems. A year ago at this time I was trying to figure out if I was going to have a place to live next month, so I understand that I’m not really having real problems. Ironically, it might be the intense focus that work requires of me that keeps the inspiration from showing up at the end of the day. Chicken or the egg? Be that as it may, I am virtually alone and uninspired at the moment, and while I’m making an effort to branch out a bit, it may be some time before life picks back up again.
With that said I want to share a story with you. This story makes all of the above whining seem even more ridiculous. The point is not to shock you or make you feel bad, the point is to help people like me, who are really doing pretty okay, keep perspective and be grateful for the blessings they have, even if inspiration feels a little short. Having time to worry about inspiration or passion IS a blessing in itself.
As mentioned above, I work in a literal mansion. My boss is such that he parks his seaplane (yes, seaplane) in the back yard, on the very nice lake that is shared among the local (rich) community. Though it is not the point of this article, I want to make a point of assuring you that my boss is 1. Generally a good man. 2. Gives a GREAT deal of charity and pays a great deal of taxes without complaint. -and- 3. Does not come from a wealthy family. He’s built and earned what he has, more than once.
Anyway, as his Executive Assistant (you can call me Alfred) I assist in running his business, finances, calendar, estate, grounds, etc. So as mentioned I spend the majority of my time in this huge, immaculate home. Another staff member of ours – let’s call her Jan – comes once a week with an associate of hers to do a full cleaning of the house, laundry, etc. She is originally from Jamaica, in her late-40s, and her and I have a friendly, joking, semi-abusive relationship. My boss has known her for over a decade (before he even moved into this mansion) and has treated/paid her well consistently. He is even looking into the best way to provide for her retirement in the future, as she has never had her own means of obtaining one. Not that she’ll need it anytime soon, because while she’s easygoing and friendly, she’s also tough, I mean really tough.
I’ve visited Jamaica before via cruise ship. I know, I know, that’s not the “real” Jamaica. But all you need to do is book an excursion that takes you out of the tourist area and if you’re paying attention you very quickly get an impression of the reality many native Jamaicans face. While there are most certainly well-developed, colorful, historical towns, hotels, and restaurants, just outside the walls of the tourist area in Falmouth, things get progressively bleaker until the reality of literal poverty is staring you in the face. They make the best of it; You could see people smiling, laughing, and living, but they have adjusted, or have never know the extent of the comforts and security we have here in the US (despite us needing to be made great… again…)
Jan, and her family are from that kind of life. She’s happy to be here with her longtime friend, making a life for herself and her daughter here in the US that would be near impossible for the rest of her family back in Jamaica. She sends them money and support, and shows me pictures of the gatherings she attends when she goes to visit them. She is especially proud of their Sunday clothes, when they get dressed up for church.
The other day she pulled out her phone and was showing me pictures of her son and some of their extended family still living in Jamaica. She has never married, and when I asked her if her children were intentional she just smiled at me as if I were Jon Snow and knew nothing. In this particular photo set though, I commented on her son’s sense of style. Even by US standards, he was decked out in a dark suit with a light purple tie, matching vest and sunglasses to complete the look.
That was when she casually showed me the next picture. It was of a young boy (I think she said he was thirteen) hanging from a tree by a rope tied around his neck. Her nephew had decided that his life there wasn’t worth continuing, and… before they took him down, they took photos. She continued that her son was wearing his best to that boy’s funeral because he had been like a brother, and it was the best way to honor his life. The whole time she spoke casually and easy about this, as if this were just another part of life like a thunder storm or the flu. But then, for a lot of people in the world, possibly even the majority, it is.
Many of us in the US live blessed lives. Absolutely we have poverty, I’ve shared with you before that I was homeless at times growing up and have memories of getting food from the food bank to eat. But much harder than I ever had it is the racism that is still coming to light, when growing up as a minority here (especially if you’re poor) can be, literally, deadly. And while a lot of us see it on the news here, and it is wrong anytime, anywhere, in some places it’s so common that it’s not even a headline.
My point is not to say that we don’t need to get better as a culture in the United States (or wherever I end up should Emporer Trump come to power,) because we do. We have to be better because we have infinitely more opportunity than so many more places in the world. If there’s anything the human race is good at, it’s squandering its available advantages by focusing on trivial things (like… not feeling inspired…) But that photo of the boy hanging from a tree, because life was actually very hard there and he couldn’t make it, is something that reminds me of this responsibility. It gives a lot of perspective to how blessed the majority of us are here and reminds me that, at the very least, first and foremost, I (we) need to do our best to not be a part of the problems in our own culture.
People like Jan can come here, and work hard, and probably never have a life as decadent as my boss (or possibly even me.) But because she has an inherently different perspective, and the appreciation for the many things we take for granted (including our way of life itself,) there’s a good chance that she may often be happier than those of us that lose our perspective from time to time. Happiness is relative. That’s why people with far more money than a windbag like Trump are secretly (or not so secretly) miserable. Meanwhile those who give away what little they have beyond their own survival enjoy happiness that eludes the majority of the world.
There’s no recipe for it either. It’s individual… relative. Giving away everything or becoming a monk won’t make everyone happy. Nor will winning the lottery (as people have demonstrated over and over) or becoming famous. I believe the secret (even if I’m having trouble with it currently) exists in curbing your expectations and being as grateful as possible for the blessings you have. We deserve the good things that happen to us, on whatever level (so long as you do not intentionally harm somebody for those things.) There is no need for guilt, just gratitude for whatever good things come (as opposed to the trap of being sad about what does not.)
It is an unavoidable truth of this world that some people live through horrible circumstances, and maybe the silver lining (no, I’m not saying it’s ever worth it… it never is) for those who can overcome those things is the ease with which they appreciate simple things that others might well take for granted. Everyone has a story, and sometimes by learning about others, it helps you put your own in perspective.