Lifestyle

Interlude: A Personal Fairy Tale (Part 1)

The Tale of Kaska-Ta – Part 1

(*Note: This is what can be described as a semi-fictional history. The settings/terms/names/periods are changed but the story facts are true.)

Long ago in tropical lands far in the south, there lived a warrior known as Kaska-Ta. Years before this story, he had been a lonely, exiled traveler going by a different name. But a group of knights had taken him in and given him a new name. The Knights of Kappo Aera taught him the ways of song and dance and war, and became his family.

Early on these knights lived under the rule of a mad king. This king was not evil, but arrogant and violent to some. Thus, for this and perhaps some other reasons in the shadows, the Prince of Stories who led this particular band of knights separated himself from the kingdom, causing much divide and resulting in a feud that would be forgiven by many but never forgotten by all.

Tropical Lands

For a time these Knights of Kappo Aera remained autonomous, the Prince of Stories who now led them called upon some of the elder knights (including Kaska-Ta) to help him train the younger warriors properly. Overall their band was happy and Kaska-Ta enjoyed spending time with and helping his peers where he could. Often, when sparring with the Lady of Diamonds or the young prodigy known as Mockingbird, he could not help but smile. In those times there was synergy and peace, even in combat.

However, the Prince of Stories who now led newly separated tribe knew he was not yet prepared to be a king, and so over time his uncertainty grew until a general from a different tribe he had met in his travels invited him to meet his own king. This king was far departed from the prince’s previous king. Though a giant physically, he was calm and serene much like his name. This man was the King of the Trees. After much discussion an arrangement was struck in which the Prince’s tribe would join with that of King of Trees and his Gull General. Thus began the golden age for the knights of Kappo Aera who would now be recognized as warriors.

It was during this time that the Prince’s Tribe was the most active and many locals came to join the tribe of warriors in the tropical south. The King of Trees and his Gull General hailed from a much colder climate and so made the trip to visit the young warriors often. Kaska-Ta was happy, and enjoyed the company of his tribe both new and old. But as everything must, things would change.

Fierce! But…

The traditions among all the tribes of Kappo Aera carried heavy tones of misogyny and disrespect for the female members of the tribes. Though the more progressive members of the tribes didn’t believe in such things, and it was often brought up only in humor, the fact remained that it was very real occurrence as evidenced by behaviors specifically at social gatherings. There was a saying that a true lord among the warriors of Kappo Aera would have a woman in every land that they traveled to. Combined with that was the Kappo Aera tradition of deception as a battle strategy. It was very often said that the sparring circle in which they trained battle was a reflection of their outside lives. As such, this deception made it’s way into many of the member’s actions. Thus was eventual bane of Kaska-Ta.

Kaska-Ta was well liked by the tribe, and especially so by many of the female members. He was kind, flirty, and humorous and made them feel at ease, especially when others were far more aggressive and overbearing than he was. Though not initially problematic, Kaska-Ta began to hear whispers from other warriors (both male and female) that some of the higher ranking warriors were displeased at the attention he was receiving. Of course, Kaska-Ta knew not all of these whispers could be entirely trusted either, but among the many there was some truth he could confirm himself. He resolved though, as long as he had his people, he would simply carry on.

The time came to make a pilgrimage to northern climates. It was the summer months so the weather was very agreeable. One of the great kings from the far off lands in which the tribes of Kappo Aera had originally descended would come and bless all the warriors under the King of Trees. The prince and as many of his southern tribe as possible made the pilgrimage in order to strengthen their union with the warriors under the King of Trees.

A Krawen Demon Prison

The Gull General existed in a dangerous part of the northern lands known as Krawen, but offered up his palace to most of the travelers from the south. However, Kaska-Ta was given different arrangements and was sent to be hosted with one of the students and families who trained under the Gull General. Though this family was very accommodating, very friendly and he had excellent arrangements, Kaska-Ta did not like being separated from the rest of his tribe. One of the newer females in his tribe had become close to him (intimately for a short time, but that time had already passed) and sent messages that she was uncomfortable among all of the generals and princes. Kaska-Ta expressed his desire to re-join his tribe, and the next day was allowed to stay in the Gull General’s palace (later he would learn this was much to the dismay of the General.)

The ceremonies began and all seemed well. Kaska-Ta marveled at the amazing talents the guest Kings, Queens and other royalty exhibited both in music and in combat. His extended family of warriors from the northern tribes of the King of Trees were equally impressive. It was an overall a joyous occasion filled with much learning and positive energy, which was what Kaska-Ta had always loved about the Kappo Aera tribes. In the evening he and some of his tribe-mates new and old were taken to largest city on the continent to marvel at the many towers and castles filled with mystic lights and great paintings. The day had truly been great.

The next day was another ceremony for another local tribe who was allied with the King of Trees. This tribe’s leader was a great scholar of his art named Onaib. Though not yet a king, he was well on his way and was truly a professor of the art and beauty that was the culture of the Kappo Aera tribes. Kaska-Ta was familiar with this teacher from a previous ceremony in which he had traveled south and personally tested Kaska-Ta (among other young warriors of the southern tribe) in combat. He was good natured and skilled while sparring and greeted each student with a combination of vigor and gentleness. He sought to test, not to punish the younger students and Kaska-Ta respected him greatly for it.

Her Namesake

Transportation to Professor Onaib’s event was arranged for Kaska-Ta and his tribemate Mockingbird traveling in the wagon of a student of another small local tribe known as the Owl Princess. She mused that her and Kaska-Ta had similar hair color and they got along well early on. One of the wheels broke along the way, but Kaska-Ta and Mockingbird were both skilled at such repairs and before long they were traveling again having bonded some through the small circumstance. They made the ceremony right on time and all was well.

During the ceremony, the Owl Princess remained close to Kaska-Ta and would often mess with his hair or rest her head on his shoulder. He enjoyed the attention, but it drew the attention of both his tribe’s Prince of Stories and the Gull General, whom Kaska-Ta was unaware had their eyes on the Owl Princess. As the day progressed the ceremony completed successfully and after further celebration many of the warriors (including the Owl Princess) made their way back to the palace of the Gull General. Immediately after the ceremony, during the after parties and dinner, Kaska-Ta had noticed the attention of the Owl Princess was being intentionally diverted away from him, to some extent by the Prince of Stories and then aggressively by the Gull General.

Once at the palace, the Gull General disappeared to the tower, and so too did the Owl Princess. During this time, the Mockingbird, who had long been adopted as a second son of the Gull General warned his tribe mate Kaska-Ta that the reason the Gull General had pulled the Owl Princess away was because she had long since been “one of his girls”. Kaska-Ta replied that she had told him she was without a dedicated mate, and was somewhat surprised because the Gull General had recently impregnated one of the southern tribe women, though it was not established they were dedicated mates either. “It matters not… you know this.” The Mockingbird replied. Yes, Kaska-Ta was familiar with the culture, even if he didn’t agree with or follow it.

Later, after the festivities had died down, the Owl Princess approached Kaska-Ta, who had been distant and asked him why. Irritated at her deception, he asked her why she had not told him of the Gull General, but she did not answer and instead became defensive, denied her involvement and moved away again. However, when the witching hour had passed, he once again approached her to say goodbye as she intended to return to her home and kingdom. At her request, Kaska-Ta agreed to escort her to her carriage. When they arrived at her transport, away from the ears of the palace, she asked him to stay with her a short time so she could speak with him. Kaska-Ta agreed and for some time they spoke of her family and then her involvement with the Gull General. She was sad, and said that he confused her by sometimes treating her as a princess, and then other times ignoring or even berating her. She knew that he paid attention to other women, but sometimes when he was with her, he would be so tender that she felt he truly cared. Kaska-Ta was irritated by this as he had heard such things many times before. But he listened patiently, trying to cheer her up and convince her that the fault was not hers. Unfortunately, during this dialog disaster struck…

What is it to be happy?

As inevitably happens this time of year, I was prompted to think about what I am thankful for. I worried a bit about how ungrateful I might actually be when I initially struggled to answer the question. But the the truth is that picking any specific thing is the hard part. So I thought to myself “Well… if I’m happy, then I just need to pick what makes me happy.” But then the realization came to me: I’m not happy. I’m content, even cheerful, but regularly happy? No. Or am I? On the other hand I am by no means unhappy. Overall I’m pretty pleased with myself and the world around me. Certainly I have a number of misgivings about that world around me and my own lack of progress in many areas thus far, but I have been depressed, miserable and even suicidal before and I am nowhere near any of these things. I’m “good”. But is that happy?

Dave Matthews Band in Tampa 2014 – I was happy.

I have most certainly been happy in moments. There are many moments in recent and distant memory that can only be described as love and/or unadulterated joy. This can be attributed to anything ranging from Dave Matthews Band Concerts (pretty consistently.. at least once per concert..) to some sort of amazing food (often involving cheese or ponzu sauce…) to memories of when certain people looked at me the right way and it made the center of my chest warm and tingly… I’m also a sap for certain movies / shows to where I am so happy about the story I’m almost in tears. But all of these moments are spikes, high points that only last so long as the moment does, and then it’s back to being “good” or “alright” or “content” (with occasional low points as well… we all have them.) None of those terms sound like regular happiness so it makes me wonder… what exactly does consistent happiness feel like!?

My first inclination is to say gratitude. Indeed I am typically in a better state of mind and feel things are going my way when I can genuinely count my blessings and be grateful for the things I have. Admittedly (though I’m not where I want to be and/or going there fast enough just yet,) I realize I have a huge number of things to be grateful for, but it simply isn’t enough to allow me to hold on to that “happy” feeling for more than a short time. Perhaps this means I really don’t appreciate what my life has given me, maybe real happiness is a matter of being endlessly grateful for all this life has provided you no matter how much or how little you have in comparison to others. If such gratitude should be relative then despite having grown up relatively poor, I and most others living in this country should indeed be happy pretty much all the time. That would also mean, though, that in order to be consistently happy we would have to compare and contrast our lives against either (or both) our own previous misfortune or that of others. In a sense that’s almost like celebrating the fact that I have it better than so many people around the world. I realize that I actually do. But I can’t imagine that recognizing and celebrating that is the secret to happiness.

Some gifts make folks happier than others…

Naturally the way around that dilemma is giving. I like to give selfishly, meaning that I do so because it makes me feel good to give things to those who are either important to me, have earned it or sometimes are just in the right place at the right time (such as the homeless I usually feed during Ramadan.) All of these things give me a temporary sense of accomplishment or pride. However, I also really hate being indebted to people (again pride I believe.) When I was younger I was forced to rely on others for basically everything. Now that I don’t have to, I hate to be in a situation where I feel as if I owe somebody something. Giving to others helps me even the “score” (again generally speaking) or even shift it as far to the other side of owing somebody as I can. That sort of standing is very satisfying, but is that happiness? Even if it is, like all the other situations it is fleeting.

I suppose then that I want to see an example of somebody that is visibly, obviously in an elevated mood (as in “happy”.. like Pharrell?) as a regular state of being. What’s the secret? At what point do you meet the criteria that you can be honest when people ask you “Are you happy?” and you can honestly reply “Oh yes! Absolutely!” Maybe it is really something we all strive for as often as possibility but we are hard-wired to be unable to grasp it constantly. Perhaps it is (as we say) “the pursuit of happiness” that continues to give us purpose and causes us to seek out new and meaningful experiences. Having been in an emotionally grey state of mind for many years now, I’m trying to figure out if it’s just me who isn’t sure about this sort of thing, or if in fact it’s part of the human condition. In all honesty I try to avoid classifying myself as “human” whenever possible, but some concepts come with the territory of this life and maybe the secret to happiness is accepting that it will never be a regular thing but instead the one universal goal or ideal each individual can shoot for in their own personal (sometimes really twisted) way. Regardless if you feel you are generally happy all the time, share you secret with me! But if you’re more like me, as the holidays descend upon us, let’s make it a point to have as many happy moments as possible. If it can’t be all the time, let’s make it as often as possible.

How to: Casual Sex

My last post on relationships / cheating / communication was the most popular in the last five posts or so. I know, you want juicy stuff as opposed to pictures of fantastic food (though I maintain that tasty food is one the great joys in this life.) I think you’ll find that communication (and a lack thereof) remains a major theme in many of these posts as it directly affects the success of probably 90% of human social interaction.

It’s tough. He understands.

Anyway, as you’ve read a few times now I’ve been single for right about eight years now (I’m literally within a week or so of the anniversary of the breakup.) Post relationship I spent a lot of time focusing on myself and rebuilding, and then a few years later I started looking around for somebody who could be “the one”. Well, the bad news is I haven’t found her yet. The good news is I’ve gotten pretty good at this bachelor thing. I’ve had a fair amount of forward movement professionally, I’m improving my financial status daily, I’ve got some pretty strong bonds with friends of mine personally and (sometimes related) I’ve generally been pretty successful sexually (As in, women have regularly found me desirable enough to share themselves with me in that manner…) So if I can’t have the one, this is a pretty awesome close second.

What blows my mind when I talk about this with some people is why they (or more often their “partners”) really suck at this casual sex thing. It’s like they took something they saw in a movie and expected real life to be like that (thanks Hollywood.) While I understand the male need to “alpha” (ugh) and the female desire to not be a “slut” (really ugh) you need to understand that those terms, and even those concepts are fucking ridiculous ideas created by insecure morons who were likely trying to manipulate you in order to keep you “in your place”. Men must be physical, unrelenting, dominant, stupid cave men, and women must be weak, blindly dedicated, subservient nurturers. Obviously… NO. Now don’t get me wrong, this sort of role-play in the bedroom as playtime is all fine and well and healthy if that’s what you’re into, but as a standard of operation in the real world it’s narrow-minded and limiting for both genders.

So, whether you’re in-between serious relationships, getting a little on the side (legitimately.. or not..), indefinitely single by choice or you’re like me and are holding out for “the one”, here’s a few guideline “Dos and Do Nots” that have worked very well for me and I think are pretty universal (but is nowhere CLOSE to a complete list.)

First, DO:

Honesty at work.

1. Be Honest. If there is one thing that will ruin a potentially good situation and make it ugly, it’s you spouting a bunch of bullshit. It’s not “the game”. It’s real adult life, so act like it. Be straight up about what you want (and even how you want it…) in the beginning, even if it’s tough to let somebody who was hoping for more down. It’s true, this might damage your chances of getting busy in the short term, but think of it as an investment. The worst thing that happens is they respect you for being straight up with them and move on. Sometimes though, they become friends, and sometimes that comes with benefits. More than a few times I’ve been told I’m a good choice for that sort of thing because they know where I stand and don’t have to worry about complications. Honesty keeps it simple. When things are simple we can do our thing and get on with our lives.

2. Be Respectful. This is huge. Did you know that when somebody feels like you respect them, they are much more likely to let you see them naked? It’s not rocket science. This means eliminating words like “slut, whore, etc” from your dictionary as those are basically misogynistic double standards created to shame women (and albeit far less often, men.) Newsflash: If you make people feel bad about being sexual, they are a lot less likely to be sexual with you. This is ironic because people will often put down somebody’s sexual activity/history with others and then turn around and try to make something happen. You’re not going to make them feel okay about hooking up with you if you berate them for hooking up with others.

3. Be A Friend. So a big part of functioning as a friend with benefits, is (wait for it) being an actual friend. I’m not saying you need to pour your soul out to them and spend a bunch of time with them, but communicate, relate and hang out without any expectations periodically. You’ll find some people become important to you and others stay very casual, but as long as there’s not false expectations, things stay pretty light. When the benefits DO kick in, it depends on the person, but they might be wanting to play every time they see you anyway. Sometimes that really IS the core of your “friendship” (gee darn.) But the danger is in assuming. So be cool, be a friend, keep it light, and fun. The more fun and flirty (if accepted / appropriate) you are, the more likely at some point you’ll hit that moment when you know something is about to go down.

4. Be Patient. If there is any one major secret to my sexual success, it is that I know when to be patient. Often times people are not in the mindset / position to hook up (or, maybe just not hook up with you) when you first meet. But that doesn’t mean they won’t always be. If you were honest (see step 1) and told them what you were about in regards to them, and then you were respectful (see step 2) then you will probably have some level of interaction with them on a friends basis (see step 3.) So long as you’re not overbearing about it, if they thought of you sexually at some point in the past, odds are somewhere deep down it crosses their mind from time to time IF you’ve been fun and easy to be around. Then if you’re lucky, they’ll let you know when they feel like acting on those thoughts.

Possibly overkill….

5. Be Smart. Sometimes I tell my friends stories of people I know that have literally slept with over a hundred people. To this day they are healthy and happy and obviously know how to attract attention. On the flip side I have personally witnessed somebody in a Frat House years ago who had been with probably five people in their life at most, hook up with three different people consecutively in a drunken rampage that didn’t appear to include protection. That, to me, is a stupid, sad story. (For the record, there was no visible rape involved… this person was literally seeking the people out and they were very happy to receive them…) Point being, both sound pretty scary right? Yes and no. There’s something to be said about numbers, as number of partners can indeed affect your chances of contracting an STI. But the point of my example is that the first person knows what they are doing, is protected and communicates openly with their partners. The second… not so much (obviously.) Who’s the bigger risk for you to hook up with? Call me traditional (see that whole friendship thing) but I kinda like to get to know my partners and even moreso communicate with them. Does this mean I haven’t hooked up randomly at a party before…? Well, no. But I was protected and though I left the next morning, I left my information (which she was super surprised by), we became friends, had some great sex and her and I have hooked up a few times in between her boyfriends since then. Regardless my point is: Learn about your potential partner by communicating with them, use protection, get tested. It’s all fun and games until you start screwing around with somebody’s health (including your own.)

Next: DO NOT:

1. Have expectations. This isn’t just about friends with benefits, this is about dating in general. Numerous times have my friends told me the person they were out with made some offhanded remarks like “Oh man you’re going to be so amazing when we finally sleep together…” What?! I can’t even make up something that ridiculous. Needless to say that sort of attitude is a very quick way to screw your chances (no pun intended…) and possibly damage the friendship. Having expectations also leads to inevitable disappointment if they happen to not feel like hooking up at that point. This can cause you act out in stupid ways and damage your chances in the future too. So play it cool, show your interest (casually!) and don’t count on something happening the first, second or any time. To be honest I’m not certain of the science behind it but I very often end up getting busy when I am pretty sure something won’t happen going into the evening for whatever reason. It’s nice to be surprised!

What.. are.. you?!

2. Try too hard. I’ve done it, you’ve done it, we’ve all gotten to the point where we got really really excited about a potential date/hookup/girlfriend/boyfriend/etc. We got super nervous, put on too much smelly stuff, forced the conversation and likely drank entirely too much in the process. Where did it get you? Lot’s of places, but not in bed with the person you wanted. Both genders have a sense for when the other is trying too hard, and it comes off as desperation, which in most cases is a huge turn-off. Sometimes they may have totally planned to hook up with you, and the sort of erratic behavior that comes from nervousness and irritating passive-aggressive pushiness convinces them it might be a bad idea. It’s good to seem interested, but keep your cool because desperation will scare most people off.

Don’t Judge. 😀

3. Judge. I’m going to be straight with you here, your opportunities for casual sexual encounters will come from all kinds of unexpected places (I mean.. they have websites for this stuff.. and no, for the record, I’ve never used Ashley Madison.) Anyway, the point is regardless of circumstance, judging the other person for their choices will (obviously) screw up any chance you have of hooking up with them. I’m not just talking about those fooling around on their spouse either. You want to take the moral high ground? That’s your business. But otherwise people are in totally honest, open, polyamorous or even mostly monogamous relationships that might, for some reason with to include you and/or legitimately see you outside of it. Maybe the idea of multiple people weirds you out? Well that’s fine! But judging others about their activities outside of their involvement with you is not. At the very least, it’s really hypocritical being that you’re trying to make yourself a part of those decisions.

4. Be Possessive. This happens all the time, and women get the bad rap for it despite the fact then men very often get emotionally attached and fall into this trap. “No Strings Attached” means no strings attached. (Like “no means no” with more words.) Do not come into a situation claiming your ability to remain unattached and keep it casual and then expect it to magically change (thanks again Hollywood.) If you begin to feel differently, you’re gonna have to talk about it. The whole point of the benefits behind casual sex is that it’s casual. You can get together, have a good time, maybe grab a bite to eat, and get on with your lives without having to take it with you. It’s like going to the gym: you might be sore from it the next day, but otherwise it has no effect on your outside life other than making you feel better about things. I realize that for some the emotional separation is difficult, and it’s easy to attach to somebody that is both a good friend and fantastic in the sack, but once you start feeling like you can tell them not to see anyone else, or go on dates, or even how often they need to see you, you’ve crossed the line from casual to trying to control them, and that’s not okay. If you find this happening you need to talk about it, and it may be best if you downgrade to regular friendship. If by chance you’re both wanting to take it to the next level? That’s wonderful! But very rare, so don’t hold your breath.

If you keep you head in the right place and your emotions in check, you can have a really great time and take care of those urges without hurting anyone. I think that’s the best thing: when everyone knows what they want, they get it, and everyone walks away happy. But this is only going to happen if you’re willing to be honest and communicate about your situations.

I could go on about this forever, I even considered dividing it into two posts. But I liked how it flowed, and I felt it was related enough it warranted a long post. Last week was the longest post yet until this one and it was very popular so perhaps you don’t mind a lot of words as long as I can keep it interesting (or maybe just sexy.) Regardless, expect more on this, we’re just getting started.

(In)fidelity

Worth Reading!

I recently finished Paulo Coelho’s newest book titled “Adultery”. The subject is exactly as the title states and involves a woman’s journey from marriage to the temptations of an extra-marital affair and the ultimate resolution/consequences . I won’t give too many details as I don’t wish to spoil it for you, but I will say that thought the middle of the book got a little bit far-fetched, the overall story, thought processes and moral dilemma presented were solid and realistic. (Do note that “realistic “ is often not necessarily a happy ending.)

As you know, during my recent trip to my Seattle, I had the opportunity to discuss this (and many other) subjects with an old high school friend of mine, and contrast my lifestyle to hers. As a regular reader of my blog, she followed up with me and was interested in elaborating her views while asking me to write about mine. Since I really enjoy answering questions and providing feedback I ‘ll all to happy to oblige, especially because this is a subject that comes up a lot.

You know who you are. Get on it!

My friend is the portrait of what many people see as the ideal relationship / marriage. She has been with her high school sweetheart for some seventeen years now and still very happy in her marriage. I haven’t seen or spoken to this man since high school, but he was good-natured and devoted to her then, so I have a feeling he is much the same now (judging especially from the photos and what-not I see on Facebook.) They have a house, two adorable children, and if they don’t have a white picket fence, I’m going to suggest she get one. Her marriage is one of two I can think of that have the chance to be that rare, older (not even “elderly” really) adorable couple celebrating their fiftieth anniversary.

At some point during our conversations in Seattle, my friend(s) and I got to talking about relationships and those that sometimes decide to include a third party (or more) in their sex life. I’ve been involved in situations like that in the past (both as inviter and invitee) and I mentioned I’ve observed it bringing a new element into the bedroom and sometimes reviving a situation that may have become routine or mundane. Later, my friend commented that she believed that if that happens with your partner, they may not be the right person for you. She said: “I believe that when you are with the right person, sex should only get better and I don’t think that you need to add additional parties to make this happen.” Further in the conversation she elaborated that every couple has problems, and the key was to attack those problems when they are small. She gave an example of a friend of hers who is married but hasn’t had sex with her husband in (literally) years. She hit the nail on the head when she said the solution was communication, and should’ve happened a long time ago. The years (or even months barring medical conditions…) without sex are abnormal and destructive to the marriage. I agreed that it was a total communication breakdown at it’s core, but where her and I may differ is that I actually believe that such communication is MORE important even than basic monogamy.

Wise man. (I can’t believe that’s a legit quote…)

Allow me to explain: I often wish / fantasize about having the sort of situation that my friend has. I won’t say everyone does, as times are changing and the “ideal” relationship can differ very much depending on the individual. But many people (including me) still dream of finding “the one” on some level and living happily ever after. However, finding that person is difficult and as my friend pointed out, even the “perfect” marriage goes through dry spells and requires effort on both parties to continue to be a giving situation for both. So, when things go wrong you encounter one of two scenarios:

1. This is a problem we need to work out, but we’ll get past it and get stronger.

-or-

2. One or both of us is no longer the right person for this relationship. Either we weren’t from the beginning, or things have changed and instead of growing together, we have grown apart.

There’s nothing “wrong” with either of these situations. Sometimes things simply are what they are and no amount of good faith effort will fix them. But let’s focus on situation one, because once you’re in situation two, it’s just a matter of admitting and accepting it (which unfortunately can take a number of years anyway… and I can blog about that in the future…)

Cute/Funny but…

When a problem grows into an otherwise great, loving relationship, the vast majority of the time is the lack of honest communication. When almost any issue is addressed straightforwardly, constructively and honestly, the majority of the time it can be resolved. If they cannot, there’s a good chance you fall into situation two above. VERY often I hear a primary issue of long-time couples is a stale or near nonexistent sex life. I can tell you now that even as a 35 year old bachelor I don’t have the obsessive drive I had in my mid twenties, but I’m talking a couple of days off as opposed to weeks, months or years. Why does this happen? Routine? Insecurity? Too busy? All of the above? It happens because one or both parties is no longer excited about the prospect, it’s not longer turning them on. Then, the situation becomes one-sided and turns into “work” instead of “play” for one or both parties. Situations like this are what lead to people finding alternatives: Porn (individually.. and I’m not saying this is necessarily bad as it can excite one of both partners..) Toys (again, CAN be a good thing, all about how they are used…) and eventually other people (my friend doesn’t agree, but this can also end up a positive situation.)

The solution again is wide open communication. But what get in the way is that people are afraid to tell their partners what they want. After years, they worry about damaging their ego, being judged for something different they are craving, or coming across too needy or unreasonable for being wanted. But I believe there’s nothing wrong with wanting something else or having expectations of your spouse on a sexual level. If this is an ideal “forever” pairing, a partnership, both have to try to give the other what they need. So many people are brought up on the outdated belief that love and sex have to be exclusive (and if that’s your preference more power to you), but it’s scientifically proven that this is simply not the case. But instead of talking to their partner and being wide open about their deepest, darkest desires, they bottle it up, feel ashamed and tell themselves they are “wrong” for wanting these things. Then they try to pretend they are okay with the routine they have, but lying to yourself like that never ends well, and the all too common feeling of feeling “trapped” sets in.

Oh jesus.. THAT guy..

One day, they come across somebody who is flirty and seems interested in them superficially. Normally they probably wouldn’t even give the possibility a second thought, but two things come into play: 1. Human nature magnifies the feeling of wanting something when you feel you can’t have it (the initial desire has to be there first though.) and 2. Compared to their spouse, this person is not connected to their “real life” and is for all intents an purposes, a toy. There is no marriage, no children and no responsibility to be an ideal spouse in this situation. The opportunity arises to be fun, flirty, desired and greedy. They get to demand what they want and if the person doesn’t like it, they are more or less discardable without issue. The freedom is a huge turn-on, especially for somebody that has gotten into the habit of having to repress themselves. I hate to bring Disney into this conversation, but this is the chance for them to “Let it go.” Sometimes it’s a fling and nothing comes of it, others they are found out, or can’t handle the guilt and the world comes crashing down. But it’s only a temporary solution either way, eventually the problem marriage still exists, or it’s been destroyed.

So, how do you avoid a situation like this? I keep mentioning communication, but on a whole different level. I’m talking about a soul-bearing, demon revealing, perverse, fucked up, this might hurt your feeling but you need to know this, holy shit this is scary but only you are worthy of this level of communication. This is supposed to be your life partner, so you have to be willing to tell your deepest, darkest secrets and show them all the sides they signed up for before you end up feeling like you need to show that to somebody else. Once the communication is on that level, you can figure out how to work it out (or not. As it’s possible they simply can’t handle what you have to say, at which point I would be more likely to say you fall into option two above.)

Problem… solved?

Regardless sometimes that communication alone will solve the problem through new activities (red room anyone?) But where I disagree with my friend I mentioned earlier though, is that when this communication takes place, it’s possible that another person, or even some other people might be discussed. As far as I’m concerned, that’s ok. It doesn’t necessarily mean you’re with the wrong person. As long as the relationship has a totally open and honest level of communication, including potential feelings of pride, jealousy and inadequacy, and they are addressed respectfully with a constructive solution sought, then I don’t believe infidelity has occurred regardless of who does what with who. The bond between two people who love each other is not merely based on the physical, and to say that somebody being involved with a different person negates a legendary bond of love is just ridiculous. What matters is the trust. If that is intact, so too should be the bond.

Oh son of a…

When I have these conversations, people try to flip it on me. They say: “Well that’s very ideal, but what if the love of your life came to you and told you she wanted to be with somebody else sexually, or that she already had but she still loved you! Could you really still be with her?” Short answer: Yes, probably. Longer answer: If she had already done so, I would be pretty upset, pissed even to the point I might need some time. But would I end it right away? No. I would try for the level of communication I mentioned above. I would need to understand why she needed it, and what the solution was. If I was satisfied with it, and I felt I could trust her based on that communication, I could stay. In fact, once, a long time ago I already did. But then many years later when I was similarly tested, I couldn’t open up and be that honest, I couldn’t bear my soul and make myself vulnerable, and so, I lost. Rarely is it the actions that will kill a real relationship, but the reasons behind them that are locked away and never addressed.

When love and trust and that level of communication exist, I believe the right people for each other can overcome almost anything. Then again, that’s awfully romantic of me… what do I know?

Of Food and Wine (and other wonderful consumables.)

One of my favorite times of year here in Florida is the fall season. The weather is damn near perfect, the holidays are upon us and most importantly, Epcot holds it’s annual Food and Wine Festival. As an annual pass holder this is by far my favorite Disney event of the year in what is (arguably with Animal Kingdom) my favorite of the parks. I figured this was a great opportunity to elaborate on my love of food and drink! I am unapologetically the guy who takes pictures of his food and posts #FoodPorn. I’ve come to terms with the fact I may lose followers as a result of that admission. This will probably make you hungry…

Though not specifically part of the festival, I wanted to highlight the “Cool Zone” as it’s one of the very rare places to get FREE unlimited soda in the parks. (The other being the “Chase Lounge” but it’s only during Food and Wine and only for Chase card members.) Long ago I drank soda like water, but frankly it was making me fat and causing me stomach issues, so I gave it up, dropped about 60 lbs and now only rarely partake. I do have a bit of a weakness for Ginger Ale, and it is one of the very few things I will mix Scotch with (very rarely!!) This Cool Zone features various Coca-Cola products from around the world. Unfortunately they introduced a number of new flavors about a year ago (which took out the Ginger Ale!!!) leaving only Brazil’s “Kuat Guarana” worth drinking. I remember a version of this soda from my Capoeira days! The others are worth trying, but not regularly in my opinion.

So, you’ve probably already gathered I’m a carnivore. But this grilled lamb chop from the Australia section is amazing. The pork is cooked perfectly and slides off the bone effortlessly (impressive considering how many of these they mass produce throughout the day.) The meat is tender and juicy, but even better is that it retains spectacular flavor while not being too gamey. The mint pesto balances the flavor perfectly and even the “potato crunchies” (read: glorified crushed potato chips) added a nice texture in the absence of (undesirable) char. I go back for this every year and feel it’s one of the more underrated offerings.

Singapore is also an annual favorite, but not for what I got this year. A new offering was the seared mahimahi with jasmine rice and “Singa” sauce. Normally I’m not huge on fish that’s not in a sushi roll, however a good friend of mine demanded I try this and she was absolutely right. The fish was good: tender, boneless and flavorful, but WOW that sauce did it. I’m a sucker for a good sauce (I’m addicted to Ponzu…) and it really made this for me. Add that to the cheapest (and surprisingly well paired) wine offering in the park, the Marqués de Cáceres Satinela, and you have a fantastic and flavorful snack! I tend to prefer sweet white wines, this one was a little dry, but it balanced the fish / sauce out really well.

Also from Singapore is the “Singapore Sling”. This gets it’s own section as it is in fact the reason I go back to Singapore every year. For $8.00 you get this cup of what is essentially a combination of two alcohols: gin and “Cherry Heering”. Traditionally a “sling” was an American term for any spirit and water that was sometimes sweetened or flavored. It seems a bartender from Singapore initially mixed some sort of cherry brandy (may or may not have been Heering) with gin and the Singapore Sling was born. The exact recipe changes from bar to bar, but almost always involves gin and some sort of cherry flavor. The important thing about this particular incarnation is that on Disney property you’re getting essentially 3.5 – 4 shots of liquor for roughly $2.00 a shot. Good deal. In past years the gin ratio was really high resulting in a really potent drink that smelled and tasted like rubbing alcohol. This year they evened it out making it a bit weaker but much more palatable.

Normally the Italy pavilion is all about the stuffed ravioli (offered every year,) but this year they had a chicken marsala that was new to the menu. I’m a sucker for mushrooms and a good wine sauce and this did not disappoint. Even more surprising was how tender the chicken was. I have to hand it to Disney, not only do they have natives from each country serving the food, but they manage to perfect the cooking process enough to mass-produce really well cooked food. I wouldn’t call it “gourmet”, but regardless really tasty! Well about the average you could find in your average chain restaurant!

Cheese. If there is any reason in the world I would hate to go vegan, it would not be giving up meat, it would be giving up cheese. I love cheese. I often joke that one of two things in this world will be the death of me: women, or cheese (or some freaky combination of the two. This offering was at the “Hops and Barley” pavilion (read: USA.) This actually had the one cheese I’m not terribly fond of: bleu cheese. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll eat it, it’s just my least favorite in my favorite category. However, the other two made up for it. In the middle of the tray was a fantastic cloth-wrapped cheddar, and on the left was (my favorite of the three) soft, creamy goat cheese called “Purple Haze”. It was so good that I think I understand why then made it’s name sound like a designer drug.

Next up was the France pavilion. It is very difficult to choose here as they offer arguably the best assortment of food and drink that is, while pricey, generous and well-made. While not the deal the sling was, this “La Passion Martini Slush” gives you more than enough to cool off in the Florida heat while a combination of (presumably mid-level) vodka and Grey Goose Le Citron helps you feel it. It’s tasty, cold and easy to drink, so basically an expensive slurpee for adults, which is pretty fitting for this sort of event.

France has an equally wonderful selection of foods. Most people go for the escargot, an annual favorite. I’ve had it before, and I love the garlic, but it didn’t win me over enough to ignore other offerings (and my wallet can only handle so much!) New this year was the “Gratin De Crozet De Savoie” Since I have no idea what the name means, it was the description that sold me: “Wheat pasta gratin with mushrooms and Gruyere cheese.” Carbs..? Mushrooms? CHEESE??? SOLD! Let me tell you, it was probably the highlight of my festival this year. It was a pretty good serving but it was just not enough. By now I was already quite full and I considered getting another. Very, very good. I hope it makes it back next year.

Canada is probably the winner for my kind of diet. I’ve had the pleasure of dining there at the legitimately gourmet “Le Cellier Steakhouse” thanks to an amazing friend of mine who works at Epcot and put our names on the list months in advance. This offering during Food and Wine is a petite version of the amazing steak I feasted on before and it does not disappoint. Granted, it’s really hard to go wrong with a decently cooked Filet Mignon, but what you see on top is truly wonderful truffle butter accenting a bed of wild mushrooms. Really, really good. Compared to the full-sized, fresh cooked to order version I had, this is probably an 8 out of 10, which is pretty good considering the circumstances. I love steak… and mushrooms… and butter. Yum. Also worth mentioning is the Canadian cheddar cheese soup! However, it doesn’t photograph well (rather plain) and this was already a long entry, so ask me about it if you like (also really good!)

My last highlights come from Ireland. (Greece is also great, but again the presentation left a bit to be desired and that’s an important part of the package!) As I mentioned before, I prefer sweet wines so when I come across something called “Bunratty Meade Honey Wine”, it gets my attention. You get a relatively small serving (about your average shot.. maybe a bit more) but the flavor is distinct and sweet. Though this is not a pure mead (from honey only,) it’s a dessert wine and you can absolutely taste the honey heavily used to flavor this treat. Most importantly the dulled bite of the white wine pairs really well with…

Irish cheese! I can’t resist another cheese platter, especially one offered by Kerrygold! I’ve long been a fan of their unsalted butter (I’ve even put it in my coffee!) This particular selection includes a Reserve cheddar, Dubliner with Irish Stout and Skellig (a slightly sweeter Irish cheddar developed specifically by Kerrygold.) The chutney, bread and butter add substance to the platter for the price, but the cheese is exactly what you expect: quality Irish cheddar with no real surprises. In my world, that is very, very okay. I’ve picked up this platter every year for the last three years (or more.. I don’t remember…) and I will look for it next year. If you love cheese like I do, don’t miss it.

There are many more pavilions, and probably a lot of fantastic food I didn’t try, but that’s what next year is for. In the meantime though, if this manages to make you as hungry reading it as it made me posting it, I’ve done my job. Unfortunately the Disney Food and Wine Festival is done for the year, but I’ll see you there next year!

Homecoming: A Long Epilogue

Coffee + Magical Sky Juice = Writing Fuel!

I’ve been in the air for a little over an hour now (likely somewhere over Idaho) heading toward a short stop in Texas before the second leg of the trip back to Orlando. I think the most important thing I took from the short trip in Seattle is that I like it there. I like the weather, I like culture, I like the city and I like the people (My friends, arguably more so than I used to.) My path and the place I belong now is Orlando, but if and when the opportunity to return to Seattle made itself know, I would follow it happily. Granted there are many places that I would be willing to go in order to take the next step, but Seattle previously carried a stigma to it that no longer exists. In fact, because of my familiarity and the people I have there (friends and family both) it carries a specific appeal for sure. I have a hometown.

Shortly after my last post I was picked up and spent the evening (after all too iconic Seattle traffic) in Bellevue catching up with three young ladies from my high school days (all three of whom I’ve had a crush of some sort on at some point or another.) We began at a Mexican restaurant, three of use with appetizers and shots of tequila while we waited for our fourth to arrive. We told many stories of our classmates, and ourselves, went through some 16 total margaritas (combined), took many selfies and laughed about our misadventures in high school and since.

Tequila!

What was fascinating about these discussions is that each of them knew me in a different way. One hadn’t really kept up with me over the years (in fairness neither had I kept up with her…) but was the fortunate enough one to be stuck in traffic with me, allowing us to get a head start on catching up. We’d covered some relatively deep subjects, so when I began telling stories to the group she had a contextual reference the others did not. Another is a regular follower of my blog, so she had a great deal of background information both recent and historical. The third has been keeping up with me on Facebook and through regular messages for some time and was probably the most knowledgeable on my current life status.

I told them one thing I was quite jealous of was their children. As of now, two of them are married (one to her high school sweetheart) and the other is an amazing single mother (as evidenced by the stories of her children.) For the longest time I’ve wanted a child (preferably legitimately) but obviously I have to find the right person first and so far not a lot of headway has been made. In the car ride (traffic) over I had mentioned that we always want what we can’t have. So (especially in our thirties) some that have long established families and routines look at my lifestyle and see it as adventurous and free (I do my best anyway…) while I listen to the stories of their children, families and well-established careers and can’t help but wonder if I’m falling behind. Of course, as it stands, I don’t think any of us would trade, and though all three have two children (ideal in my mind), they are each in pretty different set of circumstances (perhaps I will elaborate on them a bit more in a future blog.)

As the night carried on we wandered the mall called Bellevue Square that we had spent a great deal of time at as high school kids. One had promised a friend she would pick up nifty scented bath soaps/oils of some sort and then we (predictably) found ourselves in Sephora (a makeup store) at which point one of the girls who hardly wears makeup and I slipped away to find more drinks. This was an education for me as I was introduced to Nordstrom’s having a full bar dead center in the middle of it’s store. Prices were surprisingly reasonable considering what the clothing usually runs. Eventually the other two caught up to us and after more discussion/selfies we made a quick stop to see my car (Tesla!!) and moved on to our final destination.

It was a Dark and Stormy night..

One of the girls had promised her friend she would take a photo of a huge blown glass chandelier that was crafted by a famous local Seattle artist (kicking myself at the moment for not having a photo to include in the blog.) When that mission was accomplished we moved upstairs to a pool hall I had talked to them about called “The Parlor”. Shortly before I left for Orlando I had spent a fair amount of time there. It had an upscale vibe (because Bellevue…) but was reasonable on prices and had pretty good happy hour specials. With fifteen minutes until happy hour we settled in for our last round.

Perhaps it was the drinks adding up or the hours getting later (in truth it was only 11:00 PM but people have families now and it was a Tuesday…) but the conversation turned to sex and was primarily based on me. As it happens I have a number of entertaining stories (don’t worry to some of you reading this… probably not THAT one… probably…) that had reactions ranging from laughter to a great deal of eye rolling (a not uncommon reaction.) We finished off our drinks that accompanied some really great happy hour appetizers and decided to call it a night. (I should point out that those who were driving had moderated their drinking responsibly as the night went on… and those that weren’t… probably felt it the next day.)

Addiction Manifested.

The following day I slept in and then took the Sounder (Seattle’s rail system) to go and visit my father. It was my first time on the train and I enjoyed the random local conversation along with my ability to plug in my electronics. The ride was quick and easy and before long my father picked my up in Lakeland where he now lives. After a quick stop to show off his new place, we headed out to Potlach (Hood Canal) to the house on the water to visit with his girlfriend and her son whom have become a part of his/our family throughout the years. Naturally as I lounged fireside I was fed and fed well. Meat, cheese and wine precluded my father’s amazing signature buffalo wings of which I ate entirely too many (as usual.) Feeling fat and comfortable I retired to my room for the evening, caught up on some shows and drifted off to sleep with an early morning and a day of flying ahead of me.

The morning went smoothly, I did my best to capture a few images of the water in the dim foggy morning light and we were off to the bus station. I arrived just in time to say goodbye and walk onto the airport bus. Upon arrival, I easily made my way through security with plenty of time to attend some business, pick up my new book (Prince Lestat!) and do a bit of shopping. The plane is completely full, and I’m in a middle seat, but I’m fortunate enough to have relatively small people on either side of me who seem to have good personal hygiene (the girl sitting next to me is also pretty cute. Bonus!)

The house on the coast.

As I near my landing in Texas I just keep thinking about the combination of familiarity and newness that Seattle has now that I carry a fresh perspective on it. It’s easy to see why people who travel there fall in love and never leave. Additionally, with the disappointing recent results of the Florida elections, it’s also easy to see why living in such a liberal state would be appealing. Seattle has culture, food and a specific vibe that is hard to find anywhere else. My father tells me every time I return that I need to move back and go back to school, he will be going for his Master’s soon and thinks I should follow suit. I might. But as much as I would like to say that my goal is to move back and live there indefinitely, I cannot. The truth is I will go wherever it takes to take the next step, to “make it”. When I do, I can visit, and catch up as I did this time whenever I like. It may or may not be home again someday, but it will always be my hometown.

You Get What You Pay For – Part 1: Women

You probably already know I don’t subscribe to any specific theology, but I will be the first to tell you that world and the universe are alive and connected to you (along with everyone else.) I don’t see karma as the divine reward/retribution that many portray it as because it’s very black and white (and this is, after all, the grey area.) But what I do see is that in this world, you get what you pay for. Not just with money, with action (or lack thereof) and even your way of being.

On Sun-day. (Get it?)

For example, I have hinted in the past that I have been pretty successful sexually (no seriously, you wouldn’t believe some of it…) The ladies I involve myself with are quality individuals who are smart, strong and beautiful in their own ways. Of course like anything it ebbs and flows. In my arrogance of comparing myself to a central celestial body, I liken my lovers to planets on varying sorts of orbits: very few pass daily or weekly, and then others once a month or two, 6 months, a year and sometimes even years. But the key to my success is that I carry some sort of long-term relationship with each of these people. The currency is patience and respect. It is a mistake to discount anyone as not worth your time based on their current situation in life because the one constant in this world is change. While that can be a scary thought to those you treasure now, the bright side to that concept is that new, and even those estranged may be brought back into your life. It is in this manner that a woman I was drawn to over a decade ago might find her way to my affections in the present. You can often have what you want if you’re willing to wait for it… NICELY.

Let me reinforce too that when I mentioned respect above, it was not a small part of the equation. Most that know me, know that I’m much like Adam Levine and his fantastic quote (from my Misogyny post):“Maybe the reason I was promiscuous, and wanted to sleep with a lot of them, is that I love them so much.” While in most cases I’m very hesitant to use the word “love”, I am not afraid to say that I respect and admire women completely. In fact, I often state that they are much smarter than the majority of men whom I openly dislike for a number of reasons. There are exceptions on both sides of course, but as far as I’m concerned, women are pretty much the best thing in the world. The great thing is, they know when you regard them in this manner. Some part of them unconsciously understands when you actually respect them as powerful, equal (or better!) individuals. This automatically makes them feel comfortable and familiar with you. At that point, if they feel the same physical attraction that you do, it’s only a matter of time (and respect.)

She’ll tell you!

Let’s talk a little more about what respect means. Because even if you don’t like the guy she’s with now, SHE has her reasons. Perhaps it’s love, perhaps it’s security, sometimes it’s purely a situation that arose from a mistake. But regardless of the circumstance, you must respect them. You do not have the right to interfere with her life, make waves in her relationship, or cause awkwardness for her or her friends. If you truly want to show respect, even if you don’t understand what she could possibly see in that guy, you will respect her situation and maintain your relationship on a level that she is comfortable with (like the weird concept called “friends”.) This also means cheerfully accepting that some people have something truly amazing and rare, and that you will in fact never have them (to this day these make up some of my best friends, they and their good men both.)

The major thing that will bring all of this crashing down around you (and many relationships really) is being possessive and/or jealous. For the most part I am not a possessive person, I value and am grateful for the honors I am given in terms of the women who share themselves with me (physically/mentally/emotionally.) But just as you move on with your life, they do as well, and it’s none of your business what they do with the life they choose not to share with you. There are exceptions, when they choose to involve you in another’s jealousy, or attempt to put you at risk through poor decisions, but that’s the point hen you draw the line (respectfully) and simply be a friend.

Preach.

Further, you must be careful not to fall into the trap of introducing negativity through jealousy. I am not completely immune to this, I admit that I have (on a couple of occasions) in the past fallen victim to this trap, but for the most part I’ve got a good handle on it. You have to because introducing that sort of negativity into a relationship is poison, and will usually get you exactly the opposite of what you want. Possessiveness and jealousy are concepts that reduce a woman to an object in order to be owned. THAT sort of thinking is what will destroy any type of positive relationship; It is a complete lack of respect for her as a woman and as a person. Ideally, you will earn her time, affection, adoration and even love by showing her the same. It’s a price you should be excited to pay if you’re doing it right.

It’s easy to draw the conclusion based on my recent past and the things I write that I am anti-relationship, but this is not the truth. I both want and respect real relationships. It is also not my place to judge what is and is not a real relationship. Monogamy is a pleasant and ideal situation for some (seems more and more rare these days) and I like to subscribe to the idea of meeting “the one”. But for many it is not the only way, and I do not, by any means believe it is the only right way. Many of the happiest and most functional couples and parents I know are in “non-traditional” relationships. (Silly term anyway considering historically, orgies and polygamy in various forms was commonplace.) What makes a real relationship in my world is love, trust, communication and respect. Everything else is the business of those in the relationship and whomever they choose to share it with.

Run

I’ve spoken briefly before about long-distance running being my cardio of choice. In the past I’ve done Capoeira and a Tae Kwon Do based mixed martial art as well, but running has stuck with me more consistently than either of those. The reason is simple: It’s mine.

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Current: Much better.

Obviously the concept of running isn’t mine, but when I run, it’s just me and my music. When I first began running years ago in Seattle, it was mostly indoors on a treadmill (and later a really nice indoor track at WSU.) The advantage of such things was climate control and smooth, even terrain. The disadvantage was that it’s boring and doesn’t prepare you as well for the outside world. But the thing is, especially back then, I really didn’t like running. I didn’t know how to dress, so I was in typical, long gym shorts and I wore Nike GOLF shoes (yes seriously…) because they were the only real “athletic” shoes I owned and I figured they were “good enough.” Thankfully at that point I was probably only running between 1-3 miles anyway or I might’ve actually damaged myself.

So, I needed cardio because my girlfriend at the time (who was SUPER nice about those things) actually admitted I “could lose a little” and my diet at the time consisted of Fast Food, Pizza and the occasional deli meat and cheese sandwich (those were good though, I miss those.) Regardless I was chubby, and the Tae-bo videos I was doing at home weren’t cutting it. So how do you convince yourself to do something awkward, uncomfortable and stressful on a regular basis? Simple: distraction. Running is where I would develop my ideas, sort out my days, and figure things out. I would do everything I could to take my mind away from the fact I was running because the moment I started focusing on the fact that I was running, I felt everything, my legs clumsily plodding on, my bronchial tubes contracting in protest and my heart racing trying to keep enough oxygen flowing to my muscles that were threatening to go on strike at any moment.

Over time I went from daydreaming to focused thoughts and battles with my own inner demons (some of which I obviously, admittedly lost… those jerks are stubborn…) but as my thought processes became more involved and focused, my attention

We all have our demons…

went further and further away from the running until I developed a sort of auto-pilot that could potentially go on forever. Imagine distracting yourself by sparring with another version of you inside your head. You have to think of each movement, each strike, each block and the reactions to all of those things. Then add in the fact that I’m an avid anime watcher and gamer and you’ve got all kinds of fantasy things going on (flying, weapons, energy beams, etc.) It gets intense in there. So all this distraction, and then all of a sudden you come out of it and realize you’ve already got three miles down and you don’t know where the time has gone. That’s how I developed my natural pace, by distracting myself.

Over the years my runs evolved, by the time my ex and I broke up and I was back in Seattle I was up to five mile runs along with a workout (though still indoors.) The nice thing about a treadmill is that you can manually speed yourself up to improve your pace and then allow your mind to wander off again. Probably the only downside to this is that as you get comfortable, you can incrementally increase your pace, but the numbers deceive you, and though you might feel better about going 6.2 miles per hour instead of 6, the affect it has on you is minimal (granted any improvement is improvement.)

Moving to Florida was when things got serious, but not right away. While I attended Full Sail I have a very similar routine involving runs at LA Fitness on a treadmill. At this point I had to try a little harder to go into my head as that particular location has an abundance of attractive women in tight clothing… it was easy to get distracted. To be honest (and this is just my personal opinion) I’ve always felt like LA Fitness is the place you go to be noticed (both genders.) People seem flashier and it just feels like more of a “look at me!” mentality compared to a place like Planet Fitness where you just go to get the job done. Maybe that’s just my personal experience though…

Capoeira: The goofy looking upside-down one is me.

Eventually I finally hit a point where I was just bored with running and tried other things. There was about three years that I totally supplemented my cardio with Capoeira. The desire to run would come and go, but I never felt motivated enough. It was during my fourth year that I felt like I had become considerably lazier than I had been previously. Additionally, though Capoeira was a fantastic exercise and gave me a great personal support structure, it didn’t do much to deal with my inner-demon. In fact, because of the combatant nature of the art form and the rampant egos of some, it actually FED that side of me and brought it out from time to time. I resolved to return to my runs in addition to Capoeira. There is a convenient running trail that I can run to from my house with beautiful scenery and wildlife (but you have to watch for snakes.. and gators.. seriously.. I almost injured myself avoiding a snake on today’s run.)

Around this same time an avid runner joined my Capoeira group and invited me out to the Disney runs she liked to do. At the time I had a bit of a crush on her, so I was feeling very motivated to impress her. Since five miles had been my staple, I had to adjust to the upcoming “Race For the Taste” length that was a 10k (6.2 miles.) The adjustment was easy and the run was magical. I finished at a very good pace and felt inspired for more. Over time I increased my distance to the point that just last year I was able to complete the Walt Disney World Marathon without stopping. What an amazing experience (walking to the car shortly after finishing.. not so much.!) I took a bit of a break after the marathon but have picking up my consistency more recently. Even with a couple weeks off I can easily run a 10k at the drop of a hat, and could very likely finish a half-marathon with some struggle. But the Walt Disney World wasn’t my last marathon. This year the funds didn’t line up right but I’ll be back one way or another.

Walt Disney World Marathon! Magical!

These days the hardest part of the run is getting my lazy ass out of the door. Once I manage that, the run is good. I’ve evolved a great playlist to motivate me while I go and have 3 different courses to run depending on where I am. I don’t drink water during my runs because I want to be ready for cardio under any circumstances (you know.. impending zombie apocalypse rule #1: Cardio!) As much as the meditation aspect is great, and I feel great after my run, my main reason is still the reason I started: so I can come home after, eat my Magnum chocolate ice cream bar, drink my ginger ale and sit around writing a blog about why I run while feeling no laziness or guilt what-so-ever. It keeps me acceptable for bachelor-like activities and extends my life span.

The Oatmeal (Best. Internet Comics. EVER.) wrote a highly entertaining and touching comic about why HE runs long distances that resonated with me and I think you will enjoy (far more than all these words, hence I put it at the end of the post.. suckers!)

Check it out here: http://theoatmeal.com/comics/running

It really is beautiful (check out his other stuff too.. hilarious!) In the meantime thanks for reading!

“What’s your type?”

This often comes up when somebody is interested. It’s a probing question that is actually saying “Am I your type?”. Whenever I am asked this my initial response is that I don’t know. “I don’t really have one..” I say. Naturally this isn’t acceptable because it doesn’t give the inquisitor the information they are looking for. So various questions to narrow the answer down follow. In response I try to figure it out intellectually based on past trends and preferences. I’ll spare you some of the overcomplicated personality stuff (for now…) but on the shallow side the questioning breaks down to something like this:

Yes.

“Are you a butt man or a boob man?” (Those aren’t my words.. I think it’s a funny question.) The answer is.. both? But here’s the thing, I’ve gone for women that were quite skinny and very much enjoyed their look / body. On the other hand I’ve been with a few women who invested to enhance their curves and very much enjoyed both the shape and feel of them. So the cop-out would be.. both? But I think that maybe boobs nudge out booty to a small degree. In either case you can certainly have too much of a good thing… like I’ve said before, moderation.

When that’s too general for them they try to pin down a body-type. It’s no easier for me to explain this way either. Moderation. I’ve dated hyper-athletic runner types that were super skinny and thought they were gorgeous in and out of clothes. On the other hand I’ve been with similarly athletic women who’s body type keeps them a bit softer and curvier and been very into them. My ex was directly in the middle of those. The only real conclusion that I can come to is that I don’t like extremes. Too overweight, or too (sickly) skinny will turn me off. There’s a big difference between naturally or athletically skinny, and unhealthy skinny. For me the key word is “feminine”. I don’t mind the firmness of a girl who is in-shape, but I think maybe a girl that’s built solid might turn me off a little (don’t hold me to that though, I’ve never been with a bodybuilder type…) All I know is that the pictures of the extreme body-builder ladies kind of scare me and I’m sorry but your six-pack isn’t going to impress me or turn me on. (I really want to point out that everything in this post is subjective…)

Yes.

And then of course race comes into play. Sometimes I’m actually a little surprised people are willing to ask me. But I can’t help much here either. All my long-term relationships thus far have been with people of European genetic descent of some sort. However, I was once very much into a girl who’s half-Japanese heritage made her look like an islander (living in Florida helped with the tan aspect…) Meanwhile one of the most gorgeous girls I can remember seeing was half-African American and half-Korean. I’ve been physically attracted to/involved with nearly every racial type across the spectrum. The thing is I find a lot of attractive qualities in nearly every line of decent that humanity has broken into… it just depends how it’s arranged. I suppose considering my most recent involvements / attractions I’m currently pretty attracted to those of Celtic and/or German descent, but not only is that a very general look, but subject to change as soon as I see something completely different that catches my eye… and honestly, even off the top of my head I can think of a few people that I think are gorgeous and don’t fit that “criteria”.

Yes.

One thing I am pretty particular about is her face. Specifically noses and eyes. My last girlfriend had very much the “girl next door” look to her: Brown curly hair and pretty brown eyes that glowed a bit hazel under certain circumstances. After we broke up, I leaned more towards lighter hair and lighter eyes for a while (likely due to contrast after some 5-6 years..) But since then it’s been a steady mix of back and fourth. There IS one rare exception though: vibrant green eyes. I almost never see it, but years and years ago I had a dream involving an imaginary girl with green eyes… well over a decade later those eyes stick with me, but to date I’ve only ever seen a few that come close to matching them. That’s not really a criteria though, more of a whim. As of now, I find myself drawn to eyes that seem to glow in a certain light, which can be brown, hazel, blue or even silver like mine.

As I’ve mentioned before, I’m literally surrounded by gorgeous women of all types with all kinds of backgrounds, but although I might find myself especially attracted to certain ones in certain ways, none have thus far quite fit. However, the silver lining to this is that the primary issue with my not settling down is not physical, as that’s actually worked out VERY well in some cases. So maybe my type really has little to do with what they specifically look like. Maybe that’s just a small part of the magical force I need to feel for it to be a consideration. So what’s the rest? Personality? Circumstance? Magical Pheromones? One thing is for certain, they need to be able to handle me… and that’s a lot to ask of anyone.

Don’t think this is over, I’ll post about the “deeper” stuff in a future post (lest you think I’m completely shallow). There are aspects of personality that really irritate me or turn me on. Unfortunately, that too can vary by the individual, but there are certainly some universal things that can add or take away attraction. But it IS important to note that physical attraction DOES matter to me, and I think it does to you too. Maybe you truly are the ascended being that completely looks past the outer shell, but I doubt it. The outer shell reflects a bit of what’s inside. I’m not going to be the person that wakes up in the morning, looks at the person I’m laying with, and cringes but then proceeds to tell her I love her. If this is supposed to be indefinite and our children are a result of our genetics, I’m going to be a little picky. Though with that said, physical beauty and attraction are subjective and I would never judge another for a choice I didn’t agree with. What matters is what YOU find attractive when you’re being totally honest with yourself.

Yes.

On a closing, related note, I have a friend who once declared to me that they just didn’t find a specific type of person attractive. It wasn’t personal, just not their thing. As of right this moment, that is the EXACT type of person they have developed their first real crush in years on.. It just goes to show that even with preferences, there may be just the right combination of features that completely negate your previous feelings.

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.”

The Sunset of Misogyny

Adam Levine is a great man. I read an article a while back in Details magazine (did I mention I’m occasionally accused of being a bit metrosexual?) in which he said:

“There’s two kinds of men: There are men who are fucking misogynist pigs, and then there are men who just really love women, who think they’re the most amazing people in the world. And that’s me,”

-and followed that up with-

“Maybe the reason I was promiscuous, and wanted to sleep with a lot of them, is that I love them so much.”

Perfect. The moment I read that article I gained a new and lasting respect for the man (I’m a fan of Maroon 5 to some extent, but nothing like my obsession with DMB.) Honestly the only thing I would add is to specify that he meant there’s two kinds of straight men in the world. The gay guys out there add a whole new dimension (and are probably much more diverse.) Those close to me know that I really don’t generally like men much. Too many times I’ve come across men that the epitome of the “misogynist pigs” Adam talks about and don’t even realize it:

Really think women only “belong” in the home raising children? Pig. Get upset when you come home and house isn’t perfect or dinner isn’t ready yet? Pig.Think that women shouldn’t be CEOs, soldiers, police, firefighters, mechanics, security guards, or any other profession? Pig. Get mad when she goes out with her girlfriends (even though you’re out late with women often…)? Pig. Think women should get paid less than men for the same work? (Is this even a fucking question!?) Pig!!

I get it guys, you’re insecure. She’s pretty, charismatic and intelligent. If you let her out alone for too long, she’ll probably wise up and leave your ass. Lucky for you they seem to have a programming flaw built into their system: They’re generally pretty damn loyal too. But, they are NOT stupid, and even if they don’t leave your ass, if you don’t put some effort into giving them reasons to be happy, they can and will go out and find their own reasons on their terms. Is that a betrayal? A violation of trust? Well it’s about damn time. The statistics say that historically married men have cheated on their wives 2 to 4 times more than the other way around, but that ratio is beginning to shrink.

Legit 50s Ad. Points for honesty…

See it’s not like the good old days. Though the term “Nuclear Family” initially shows up around 1925 or so (in the Oxford-English Dictionary), the concept got really popular in US culture around the 40s and 50s. Those were days when you had the “ideal” family of the Husband and Wife and their children. They were respectable members of the community that attended church every Sunday. Father was the breadwinner that went to work all day while mother stayed home and cared for the home and children. It all sounds very balanced and idealistic. Straight-up “Leave It To Beaver” style.

Except that it’s a bullshit facade. Let’s talk about what was really happening. First of all, Daddy was the master of the house. Let’s be clear that though the United States has made great strides in the modern era (there is still work to do,) it was founded very much in favor of the white male. So sure, daddy went to work all day, and often had to go on “work trips” for days at a time. Even when he was home, he often had to stay late or go out with his co-workers for drinks after work. It’s just what you did as a professional. Daddy worked very hard to be the master of the house. I suppose this is true, because in reality daddy was probably seeing his mistress(es). You see, in that ideal time men also had a great deal of power over whether a young lady got a job, was promoted, or kept her job. It certainly wasn’t every case, but if you think this didn’t happen and often, I suggest you do your research. Regardless of that, daddy didn’t have trouble finding a mistress because, after all, he was the man.

Meanwhile mommy was at home and is probably well aware of the mistresses. Deep down it probably hurt her, but she had no real recourse. As a woman you didn’t divorce in that day and age because then the church/society blames YOU for breaking up the family. You were then no longer “family material”, and your skills and experience wouldn’t lend themselves well to the

professional world (unless you planned to work you way up the ladder as a mistress… again at the mercy of the men you serve.) So what was mommy to do but accept her prison and make the best of it? She needed him and she had to serve her husband and children or she had no real value to society or in the eyes of the church (and therefore god!!) She once sought out her pastor for advice in dealing with her husband’s infidelity, but his response was that she must learn to forgive and maintain her “duty” to the family. He also wanted to talk to little Billy (who is an Alter Boy!) to be sure he was remaining well-adjusted at home with mommy under stress.

Though it seems far-fetched, that a very realistic (albeit generalized) rendition of life for a US housewife in the fifties. Basically, throughout history, and in those “ideal” times when the “Sanctity of Marriage” that the anti-gay bigots like to toss around was the center of society, women were getting a pretty rotten deal. But lately, the misogynist’s worst fears are coming true. Women know they are strong, and smart. In fact, they are very possibly in better shape than you are right now and I know a few that can pretty definitely kick your ass. It’s also very likely they were smarter than you to begin with.

She’ll kill you.

So what’s a man to do? How do you keep your interest/girlfriend/wife from going off and doing what she wants to do? It’s simple, you can’t. The harder you try to restrain her or hold her back, the more likely she’ll resist (just like you probably would were the roles reversed.) Once you get jealous, and angry, and controlling… once you start making her feel bad or guilty for wanting to be herself, then you’re in trouble. Because then she already feels bad about herself, about you and about your relationship. Then you’ve created exactly what you were scared of and even if she doesn’t leave, she might very well find something to make her feel better and forget about things for a while. At that point, it’s hard to blame her.

Modern relationships must be a partnership. Equals. There is no longer a “master” (well.. unless you’re into that.. but that’s your business…) Further, the most important parts of any equal partnership are trust, respect and (positive) communication. If we truly want to be the one and only for somebody in the modern world, we’re going to have to work for it and earn it. Not just in the beginning during courtship or the “honeymoon” phase, but one, two, five, ten, fifty+ years down the line.

It’s not easy, I believe most honestly can’t wholeheartedly pull it off. As much as I’d like to think so, I’m not even certain I can. But sometimes I come across one of those old couples celebrating their 50th anniversary that both seem genuinely happy. They figured it out, maybe some of us can too.

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The Grey Area

Moderate. Libertine. Hedonist.

Lifestyle

Interlude: A Personal Fairy Tale (Part 1)

What is it to be happy?

How to: Casual Sex

(In)fidelity

Of Food and Wine (and other wonderful consumables.)

Homecoming: A Long Epilogue

You Get What You Pay For – Part 1: Women

Run

“What’s your type?”

The Sunset of Misogyny