I wasn’t sure what I was going to write about today, I have a ton of ideas in my head but none of them are totally fleshed-out yet (that’s mostly “no pun intended”…) I do have a concept in mind of explain how I tend to bond with people sexually (I know, y’all need a sex post soon…) but I want to think about that a bit more before I broadcast. So instead I think I’ll give you a couple of “small” things that may or may not get bigger. The lack of cohesion might not appeal to you all, but it’s my blog, so you get to deal. 🙂
I didn’t dream last night that I can remember, I got just under six hours of sleep which (I fairly recently learned) is consistently dreamless as far as I can tell. I would imagine it has to do with when I wake up in regards to my sleep cycles, but regardless I tend to remember my dreams a lot more consistently at the seven and a half to eight hour mark. Monday night I did indeed dream, but it was a sleep-deprived dream at only four and a half hours. Normally when I dream, it’s lucid. I’m aware I’m dreaming and reacting with that knowledge. But this was one of the very rare ones; ultra detailed, specific and realistic. I didn’t know I was dreaming. Obviously the typical “dream fog” about how I had gotten there was in effect as I didn’t question it, but it got me regardless. In this dream I was having a conversation with a girl I don’t really know (as in I know of her, and we’ve talked online and what-not, but have never met her in person…) and we talking about “us” and confirming that we should be together. It was a touching and kind of adorable situation that I’m not 100% comfortable describing because it was a but mushy.
What’s important about this though is that I had absolutely no reservations about this girl. “It” was there and I was very, very ready to dedicate myself to her. It reminded me of what it can feel like, what it should feel like. It’s been a good fourteen years now since it felt like that, exactly right, and my subconscious still remembers it enough to recreate it. Maybe that’s what fooled me, how easily we can be manipulated by the heart. I woke up confused, disoriented and trying to figure out how I got to my bedroom after I had been spending time with her (sorry, no sex, this was a gushy dream, not a sexy one…) For the first time in a long time, after a few seconds when I finally realized it was a dream, I was actually a little sad. I thought about sending the girl a note telling her about this, but I don’t know her, at best I just know my idea of her based on limited discussion and social media. Unfortunately, telling her something like this would likely just creep her out, and I couldn’t blame her for that. She made an excellent dream girl regardless.
Every so often routine sets in and things just sort of freeze for a while. While I understand it as a natural necessity of life and try to use it to my advantage, the truth is I find it very, very boring. Me bored is bad. Even though I have tons of things (like this…) to fill my days with, if I don’t feel like my life is in motion and things aren’t developing and growing around me, I tend to get very resigned and more likely to start reaching at things I probably shouldn’t. Relaxing is a GREAT thing, and routine is beneficial when populated with good habits, but boredom with the state of your life is poison and needs to be fixed as soon as possible.
I’ve been in said routine for a while now. Much of it was intentional as I had a bit to reconcile from the previous cycle to this one (probably not quite done with that… but more stable anyway.) However, things are in motion again. Spring is almost (literally) here and the world around me is beginning to shuffle and put things in motion that it’s been whispering about for some time. In short, even if my life won’t dramatically change anytime soon, the state of my life and several factors around me have already begin to and will continue to. All these prospects are the opposite of boring, and anticipating the shake-up is admittedly exciting for me. It’s not that I crave chaos per-say, but I like renewal. Change often sucks when you lose things, but the upside to that is that eventually new things begin to take shape and the potential they represent is exciting.
Is that vague / cryptic enough for you? Well for instance, I have things to look forward to. A week from now, I will once again be in Seattle for a week or so. While I don’t have the exciting plans I had last time, after the show ends on Saturday, I will again see family, again eat far too many of my father’s hot wings and very likely find a few ways to entertain myself (though in all honesty I’ll also just be happy to relax and take in the Northwest again.) Following that, show season is in full effect for Cybis until May, when “Dave Season” (Dave Matthews Band) begins with a concert in Atlanta on the thirtieth with some really great people.
So, in the absence of dream love, there may still be a few good reasons to peek outside of my cave. I’ve been a little recluse on purpose, but the universe will only allow that for so long. It is not my way to be idle and there are things to be done.