Lifestyle

The Center

Every so often I reach a fantastic state of just being. Where literally nothing matters and I become detached from everything and connected to everything at the same time. (And no, no substances are involved.) I’m certain anyone who reads this will instantly label it as something specific.

The best way I can describe it, is nothing. It is not light, or dark. It is not the emptiness that tugs on your soul, nor is it the light warmth that radiates from your chest. It is truth. It simply is. Because above all else, everything that exists on this planet is simply doing just that: existing. Sometimes for just a little while, that’s enough. Ego strips away, and even life and death are just another part of existence.

The realization comes that the only things that matter are what we allow to matter. You can actually choose to not care. But I don’t mean careless, and I don’t mean carefree (I think it’s funny how those concepts have near-opposite connotations when they mean virtually the same thing.) What I mean is that you can choose to think without feeling. Act without emotion. Accomplish without stress or pressure.

A lot of meditation teaches that peace is nothingness. At the same time it is everything, or rather, being connected to everything without regard to ego. It’s true that when you can discard the idea of self, all the things that were negative in your life go with it, and stay gone until regain yourself. As the Grandmaster I once served would say; “it is a mini-vacation.”

It is a powerful thing to be able to operate in this detached state. I find that patience is simple. Emotions may leak through; a moment of frustration or a smile at something amusing, but they cannot stick. You are either high, nor low. You are the center, and you do not move form there for very long unless you choose to.

However, though it may be ideal and enlightened to stay in this state, I never do for long. I think that remaining indefinitely neutral defeats the purpose of this life… this stage of our existence. Instead I slip in and out of it, so that I might experience worldly pleasures and seek the highs that life’s experiences can give me. By doing this, I naturally risk sadness, loneliness and loss and it’s not always easy to discard those right away. But it’s a good practice to return to the center often enough to think clearly. It lends perspective and allows you to look at your life objectively so that you can decide what you want to keep and what you should avoid / discard.

More importantly it lets you rest. Being caught in the torrent of emotions all-day, every day can easily wear you down, and while sleep is a great remedy, for many it does not come easily. So especially if you cannot sleep, try to teach yourself to let go for just a little while. Learn to stop all the superficial worries, feelings and ego in order to disengage society and simply exist. If you start with a little you might find it becomes easier and easier to control over time.

Philosophy of Moderation – Part 3: Sleep

So this year I made “goals” instead of “resolutions” because for some reason it’s gotten to the point that resolutions are synonymous with failure. (I’m watching the population of my gym closely, it has already declined some since the year turned.) Among my goals for this year was to make sleep a priority. Not just any sleep, decent sleep, like several sleep cycles (which adds up to 7.5 hours with another 15 min added to wind down and actually fall asleep.) Previously I had shot for six a night and often missed the mark, which really added up by the end of the week in terms of my energy level, mood and ability to stay awake in what are sometimes relatively boring meetings (which is an unfortunate necessity.)

Now I know some of you hard-core folk are out there doing what you do, pounding Monster energy drinks and sleeping three hours a night with the mantra of “I’ll sleep when I’m dead!!”

Well, if you’re doing that solely on principle, then fuck off. You’re wrong.

I guess you won’t sleep when you’re… undead?

I’m not going to go into the endless amount of science that says a good amount of sleep benefits you in nearly every way possible. Nine out of ten doctors don’t do it for me either. Doctors of what? For all we know they all have their PhD’s in English Composition (god knows we all know I don’t.. but I digress…) What I WILL tell you is that I’ve been there, done that. I’ve never taken hard drugs, but I’ve skimmed the surface by taking enough ephedrine and caffeine to keep me awake for three days straight until my body was literally trying to shut itself down while I was standing up at work. I continue to use obscene amounts of coffee to make up for the hours lost hooking up on a work night, or simply playing an MMO until my eyes threatened to bleed and the sun was rising. But just because we’re badass and can do that, doesn’t mean we should do that. It comes down to quality of life and when it comes to living, if you believe quantity is more important than quality, I think you’re doing it wrong.

Now let’s back up a little and clarify something. I know life happens. I know sometimes you have to do what you have to do by working several jobs, overnight, military or caring for a newborn that doesn’t give a rat’s ass that you have to go to work tomorrow. All those are situational life happenings that are important and can’t be helped. I would never condemn somebody that is sacrificing for the sake of promoting themselves or those close them. That’s life, shit happens, we do our best. I get that. I’m talking about those (like me) who intentionally and through lack of discipline put themselves in a position to lose what is essentially as important to your health and longevity as breathing, eating or drinking water. Just like those things, if you don’t sleep for a certain amount of time, you’ll actually die.

Handy infographic.

When you get less sleep over time, you are damaging yourself. Most importantly, you are actually damaging your brain. It literally kills brain cells. The good news is your brain can heal itself to some degree, the bad news is with prolonged regular damage, there’s gonna be some lasting effects. That’s assuming you don’t kill yourself (like I almost did) by falling asleep on the road or doing something else equally stupid. And the icing on the cake (all of this was recently confirmed): premature aging (especially skin), stupidity (literally), decreased sex drive and (that’s right) weight gain. Add that to the overall dramatically increased chance of death (especially through cardiovascular issues) and all of a sudden those couple extra hours of MMO don’t seem so life-changing. I love food, video games, women, sex, alcohol and what have you, and there’s nothing with losing a couple hours form time to time to partake in all these awesome things life has to offer. Life is about experience, so live it! But for the love of god when it’s just another night in your everyday life, needlessly throwing away your body’s ability to fix itself from all the awesome damaging experiences is just plain stupid. Don’t be stupid, too many humans already are.

Every other animal in the world understands. Also.. baby kitten.

So then what did this goal do for me thus far? Well, the other day I was in a six hour meeting at work to go over systems and processes and otherwise boring shit that’s essential but not boobs and explosions. You know what? I had a pretty good time. Since I was well rested, I was not only not fighting dozing (which honestly sucks because you know you’re missing everything..), but I was witty enough to banter about what we were talking about and make it more fun. Yep, sleeping made work more fun. On top of that, my morning coffee works much better, because instead of compensating, it’s just boosting. When it wore off, I didn’t crash, I was good. Here’s the kicker though and it’s something I hadn’t thought about: dreams. See before I would occasionally have a dream or two, but most times I just assumed I forgot them when I woke up. Now I think that I just wasn’t having them. My brain just wasn’t making it to whatever process that caused them. Now granted I’ve been having more “Walking Dead” style dreams than anything else (hurry back!!) But even that isn’t really unpleasant because my brain has dug up all kinds of random crap I haven’t even thought about in years and it’s pretty entertaining. I dream literally every night. Other than reoccurring nightmares, I think most people would choose to dream rather than not… ever. Beyond all that, I’m generally more level-headed and patient despite going through a fairly strange and isolated time in my life, so I would say this particular goal has especially good timing. Oh, and getting enough sleep regularly also has the benefit of making it much easier to get through days you don’t happen to get enough sleep because you’re busy being a rock star.

Having a rockstar night every night has killed or damaged many a rock star. So, like all things, be a rockstar (or MMO badass) in moderation and get some sleep!!

About Change and Where We Belong

It has been a busy holiday season and new year, but finally a chance to get back into routine, and that includes my blog!

One of my best friends was visiting from her new home in Japan this last week. She’s stayed with me a couple nights while also visiting her other friends and we’ve been catching up on the changes in the sixteen months or so since she left. I was a little concerned, because sometimes when people travel abroad and start a new life in a difficult, unfamiliar place, it’s easy to come back and latch on to what’s familiar. So we were on our way to a friend’s house and I asked her if she was feeling at home again (more or less baiting her for my underlying question: “are you not going to want to go back?” Her immediate answer was: “No. I don’t belong here.” Wow. In that moment I realized how much she’s grown even since she left.

She looks Japanese.. right?

I should clarify that she’s one of my best friends because she’s always been wickedly intelligent, friendly and otherwise awesome as a person. She took the time to get to know me better than anyone had in a very long time, and to this day reminds me when I’m repeating my cycles. When she was accepted to the prestigious JET program, she had been scared and excited to leave everything she’d know. But it was her dream to live in Japan someday and it won out over any fear she had. When she arrived, the first few months were tough, and on and off she struggled with homesickness and bouts of depression. But now, that moment in the car she spoke with such resolution that I knew she’d gotten past it all. She made her home in Japan, and she knows, she feels that where she is now is where she belongs.

So the new year is upon us, and though the dates and turning of the year are very often in the minds of those who recognize it, there’s something to be said about powerful tradition and the influence of so many minds on the same wavelength. Our cycles are reflections of our minds, so it’s silly to think we have no influence over them. We break and remake them as we learn and grow. The predominant theme of a new year is (of course) new things, new lives, even a new you. But while everyone wishes for “new”, many are hesitant to wish for the same thing: “change”. New does not happen without change. Even if you’re only adding to your existing life, it will inevitably change it. People fear the idea of “change” because they are afraid to lose what they have and what they are comfortable with, but it’s all about your attitude. Embrace change and the excitement and experience that come with it are your rewards. What you should retain will stay with you in some form anyway, the only things you will truly lose are the things that are probably holding you back now anyway.

In a sense, my friend gave up her whole life here to travel to a new place and begin again. But now she visited over a year later, and she has actually lost nothing. She came back to friends, family and even pets and could easily have stepped back into her old life as if she’d never left. However, many people (including myself) noticed she was different. She has evolved, and further, instead of sinking into routine, she felt far away from home among us. It sounds bad, but in essence it means she has embraced her new self and her new life. It means she has grown. Some people embark on journeys or make resolutions to change, but many (probably the majority) end up sinking back to what is comfortable. This involves locations, relationships and professions. Comfort is easy, and that’s not always a bad thing, but if we rely on comfort too long and do not push our boundaries, we become stagnant and that gives rise to many major issues from boredom to depression. In order to be fulfilled, we have to feel as if we are growing and/or working toward something.

It’s hard not to feel like you belong in moments like these.

That’s why finding where you belong can be so difficult; often it’s not a specific place, it’s a situation… it’s a state of mind. You belong where you can learn, and grow and be made to feel valued for your contributions. In a comfortable situation, you are taken for granted as much as you take things for granted, but continuing to develop yourself and your situations prevents this on both sides. That’s not to say that everyone has to uproot and move thousands of miles to find where they belong, sometimes it’s simply a new living or work situation. But the point is, as hard as it is to to tell when you are there, If you’re honest with yourself, it’s easy to tell when you’re not there. You feel it when you don’t belong in a situation. Listen to that, and have the courage to make the change. I’ve been guilty of clinging to things I was afraid to lose and delaying change in the past, but it turns out that when you embrace change and grow with it, you don’t lose nearly as much as you think. Especially those who you are important to will make the effort to follow you on some level and reunite with you when possible. If others fall to the wayside, they have other priorities and probably would have eventually anyway.

That’s the thing about change, be it a new year, a new place, a new relationship or a new profession: It’s going to happen whether you like it or not. So, embrace it, direct it and make the most of it with a great attitude. Grow, Change, Love and find where you belong.

Grateful Relationships

Five+ days later I finally get a moment to (hopefully) finish this. A lot has happened, I drank entirely too much scotch at my company party (though I maintained my composure to the very end!) I’m also now cat-sitting for some friends of mine who live a ways from me (some 30 min… not too bad), so the logistics are interesting. But what’s been in my head recently is the idea of gratitude, and how a lot of people (including myself these days…) take important things for granted. Especially in terms of your relationships (generally speaking, not just romantic) sometimes it’s hard to draw the line where you’re being grateful, or allowing somebody to take advantage of you, but I think if you can step back and try to see things objectively, it all boils down to the situation, and what you feel you owe somebody. The fact of the matter is that personal debt (not financial) is just that: personal. What has any particular relationship done for you, and what do you owe that relationship as a result of it?

Some relationships aren’t about people…

See what I did there? I took it away from the people, and made it about the whole relationship. I think this is important because the individuals in a relationship are two (or more…) major parts, but they are not the whole at any given moment. There are circumstances and history that come into play that contribute to a greater sum. Very often extremely beneficial connections are damaged because somebody is angry or hurt in the moment and forgets to look at the big picture. Though many of the strongest relationships involve very strong emotions, it’s those same emotions that threaten to undermine your gratitude for all that specific people or relationships have done for you. Remembering your gratitude can save a lot of positive relationships.

I suppose key to this is remembering the times you’ve been indebted to any specific relationship. When you get your paycheck, it’s because you indebted the company to you through your actions for them. On a baseline level this is the core of a healthy personal relationship (whether it be friendship or something more.) Naturally you are usually happy to help your friends, family or (some of…) your lovers. For this you tell yourself you need no repayment, perhaps you’re simply grateful to have such a great friend, but it’s actually not that simple. If this attitude is reciprocal, then you’re automatically getting your repayment in the from of their gratitude and generally equivalent actions towards you. But if over time you give in this manner and you receive no gratitude, resentment naturally begins to build.

Some people accept this, they bury their resentment because they fear damaging the relationship. They continue to do as much, or more, for less. This is when somebody is being taken for granted. One of the most damaging aspects of any relationship are when somebody involved stops feeling grateful for the same things they’ve been consistently receiving and (sometimes unknowingly) reduces what they return. Perhaps it means a change is needed, and that can be brought about by communication, but even when that’s the case it’s very difficult for a relationship to break down when both parties are truly grateful for each other. The unfortunate thing is, when you’re being taken for granted, that resentment doesn’t go anywhere, it builds and if it’s not addressed it will instead attack the person causing it. Unfortunately, by allowing the relationship to continue in this manner the fault also shifts to you. Now, you resent the person who is not grateful for you AND you resent yourself for continuing to show your gratitude when perhaps it is not deserved. This is what sets nearly any relationship: friendship, professional and even love on a path to destruction.

The underlying issue is two-fold: First, the hedonic treadmill (elaborated in a previous post) applies to your relationships too, so over time the high they may have once given you returns to a base level of happiness if the routine stays the same. So when once all you had to do was walk into your new office to feel fulfilled at work, now you need something more, and your appreciation for that office diminishes. Second, along with routine and comfort often comes a breakdown of deep communication. Surface communication is abundant, but many lose the talks about how people are feeling or what their personal priorities are. Dreams, goals, feelings and life give away to routine, what to pick up at the store, what report to finish and what social media you need to update. Your appreciation for surface communication diminishes quickly, and just talking about nothing loses it’s appeal. The solutions to these things are simple and obvious, but not easy.

You really don’t want to lose that…

The most obvious and direct way to appreciate anything again, is to lose it. Human nature is very reliable in always wanting what you can’t have, especially if you already considered it yours and feel you deserve it. However, this is also highly destructive and doesn’t fix anything in the long term.

Instead, to keep a relationship (again, on any level) alive, you have to invest in it. Keep it fresh, positive, alive. When most living things in this world go “stale”, they are dying or decaying. The status of a relationship can be associated with that. Individual lives can easily begin to feel stale and routine if they are not tended to, and it’s only natural that this will spill into the relationship if it’s not helping to fix the problem. Comfort is a wonderful thing, but people lose their appreciation for all comfort all the time very quickly. They get bored and take a good situation for granted. But to keep it fresh, you have to have ideas, and those ideas come from real, deep communication. I want to stress that though this absolutely applies to to romantic relationships, it is equally important in friendships and associates at work. The best bosses are the ones that know who you are, where you want to be and allow you to be straightforward with them. This helps keep them from taking you for granted.

It’s easy to think “I just need to appreciate everything more, all the time!” That’s absolutely right! But it’s much, much harder than it sounds. So while you’re reminding yourself to appreciate every little thing, actively to do things that help that appreciation happen naturally as well. Change it up, try not to be bored (the world is too big!), and above all communicate so that you’re grateful to those around you that communicate back. If you can do this and you’re still being taken for granted, then you might be in a toxic situation and you honestly might need to distance yourself. But first, try, be the best you can be, do your part, be grateful for everything you can and see if maybe your appreciation will rub off on those around you. Even if it doesn’t work for the relationship you want, it might just make some other great ones.

Work / Life (Im)Balance

I’ve struggled with the concept of a good work/life balance for many years now. I’ve always been a very firm believer in the line between personal life and what we do for work. As the saying goes, we “work to live”, not “live to work.” But then there’s the other philosophy that says if you love what you do, then it won’t feel like work. To this day I struggle with where the right balance is, and what sort of lifestyle is worth the work you put in. Can you really love what you do so much that it doesn’t feel like work? (Especially when you’re as inherantly lazy as I am?)

As an Executive Assistant (what I do when I’m not writing long-winded blogs) my hours can be fairly erratic. When I was serving my last Chairman I was salary (the norm for this sort of position) which made the extended hours a bit upsetting at times. Now, I’m hourly (no overtime pay but still a step up…) and my current CEO demands (as nicely as possible) I put extra time in. This last week especially I’ve had a lot on my plate and found myself taking it home. Great for my paycheck, but not so great for having any downtime. Downtime and decompression time are very important to me to the point I often take extended lunches to remove my brain and start on my blogs. But when you find yourself struggling to get enough sleep and having little “you” time, at what point do you decide if it’s worth it or not? There’s no real standard, and I’m NOT complaining about where I am in life, but I do seek the balance for the sake of myself and my employer as I believe many people do.

Executive Assistant Life

So what’s the solution? It’s said that you have to work hard and put in your time in order to improve your lifestyle and make money. But is the money worth it if you don’t have time to enjoy it? I know that I’m not willing to give up my lifestyle at this point, and I want to build on it, so the most logical conclusion is to keep my nose to the grindstone, kick ass, work the long hours and reap the rewards….eventually. But I’ve always believed it’s a mistake to put your happiness into a far off goal or dream. It must be a balancing act that involves working toward your eventual dream (I’m not even sure I have one…) while taking the time and providing yourself with the experiences that make your life worth living now. Regardless of how much you work, you have to be happy! Sometimes that means pulling yourself away from the grindstone and investing time in you or those you love. If only it were as easy for us to be as happy at work as many company founders want us to be! But you can’t blame them for not understanding why you aren’t.

I’ve spent years working for company founders now. One thing many of them don’t understand, and that you may not realize is that it is psychologically extremely difficult (if not impossible) for you to have the same level of connection / ownership to the company that they do. You may care deeply about your company, you may even “love your job”, but the person who brought that idea into the world built it out of their experiences, thoughts, beliefs, feelings and even some of their imbalances that you will never have. It is an extension of them, and therefore when they are investing time in the company, they feel fulfilled in a way you essentially can’t because they are actually investing time in themselves. It’s not impossible to try and mimic this mindset, but when you go home and open that laptop at night, neglecting personal time to catch up on your e-mails, it simply won’t feel the same to you, because for them, even if they would rather be doing something else, catching up on those e-mails IS personal time.

So, assuming you don’t want to give up your lifestyle and become a wanderer, your options boil down to four or five situations:

If you can’t stay rich on that, you made some bad choices.

1. You win the powerball or get rich quick somehow. Come find me so I can help you think of awesome ways to both manage and make the most of the money while using it to perpetuate your own happiness and that of others. Thank you and your welcome!

2. Start your own business. This is the only way to experience the “founder” level of ownership and satisfaction in your work. However, the founders that I speak of and who are employing you have already “made it” to some extent, and thus are in the phase where they can actually enjoy it on some level because they (obviously) have employees and income. I never said they didn’t earn it (in most cases anyway) by working harder, smarter or both. In the beginning and even well into the green (profit,) owning your own business can come with huge levels of stress that can make that personal connection to your company very difficult to handle. There is a reason many of the very successful founders and CEOs you hear of are often quirky, odd, eccentric or sometimes straight-up batshit insane. They have to be in order to be obsessed enough with themselves and their company to push it to astronomical levels.

3. Do something easy that you “love”. When we’re teens and young adults we often joke about doing what we perceive as super fun to get paid for. Acting, starting a band or writing a best selling book (or god forbid.. being a reality show “star”.) Obviously, some people really do achieve this, but it’s not easy at all and often requires a lot of sacrifice. For instance: a lot of late teens/early twenties (especially but not exclusively guys) joke about doing porn because who doesn’t want to get paid to have sex!? But naturally the industry often doesn’t live up to the fantasy image in some people’s head. Beyond that, many quickly find that once they are forced to do whatever hobby/activity they really enjoy casually under “professional” guidelines/circumstances (another example: Video Game Tester,) it loses it’s fun pretty fast. A few weeks later it’s no longer a dream career, it’s just another job that’s making you not want to have sex or play video games on your own time any more. That said, some types people are cut out for those respective industries and it doesn’t ruin it for them (usually because they can drastically differentiate the two in their head,) But either way, work is still very much work and for those average people it will put a damper on their outside life too. So, while “doing what you love” is a great idea, it’s harder than it sounds, takes a lot more work than one would think and is usually tough to find/break into. Even after you get there, it is impossible to know if it will be as fulfilling as you hope. That said, for some people it IS worth it, IF you can really make it.

Literal.

4. Set a goal to become something difficult that you “love”. This falls a little in line with starting your own business in that it really can pay off the way you hope it will, but you will have to go through hell and high water to get there (and I mean years of it.) As an example I have several friends who grew up wanting to be veterinarians. I’m happy to report I personally watched some of these people become the 1% of 1% of 1% or something like that. They achieved their “dream” to some extent. I say it like that because some didn’t end up doing what they envisioned themselves doing, some fell massively into debt and the others that really made it did so by sacrificing years of their time working and studying (long AFTER the hell that is Vet School) at really odd hours under immense amounts of stress and pressure to finally, finally emerge somewhere close to where they wanted to be. The reward is that yeah, they are most often better off financially and more fulfilled than your average Walgreen’s clerk. But it’s still work, and sometimes they get up in the morning (12:01 AM) and don’t want to do it, but they still have to. I should also point out that some of these people end up owning their own business. So, essentially a different path to option 2. That said though, if you can make the investment early on, this is arguably the best, most consistent outcome beyond the powerball option.

5. The rest of us. Circumstances happened, and we’re not where we wanted to be or thought we would be by now. Hell, some of us didn’t even know where we wanted to be and still don’t know where we’re going. But we’re still adults, and we haven’t given up and become vagrants just yet, so work happens and bills gotta get paid. This brings me back to the importance of enjoying your life along the way. Because with this option, if you don’t, you’re probably miserable. The work/life balance in this situation is essential because you don’t have the ownership and you don’t have the long-term dream that you achieved. You are working to live. That’s really okay so long as you don’t lose sight of why. The balance isn’t always about a set amount of hours, it’s about whether or not your work allows you to do what you enjoy. That means both the time, and the resources to be happy in your life outside of work. It doesn’t have to be everything you dreamed just yet, it just has to be enough to have fun, be happy, and make progress. So working those extra hours is totally worth it if it makes you feel better about your work and gives you the extra funds to treat yourself and/or those important to you. But if you feel like a slave to your job and go home miserable only to crash and repeat the next day; get out. No amount of money will save you from that, and the more you make, the more of that scarce life they will ask for.

Don’t be THOSE guys.

This brings me to a few guidelines for maintaining that balance (be realistic):

1. Don’t be afraid to say no. Draw your lines, draw your boundaries and don’t back down from them. Do NOT allow a job to corner you into making compromises that will make you miserable.

2. Know what you are worth and ask for it. If you research and feel you deserve a specific wage, ask for it. If they won’t work with you to at least make a plan to get there, move on. The same goes for benefits you need for you and your family. Often these are arguably more important than base wage.

3. Ask for the time you want in advance. Know what you are willing to give and not to give and barter that time as needed to be certain you have the time that is most important to you. This can be a specific schedule or specific days.

4. Along with number one, be honest and communicate about all the above needs. If you aren’t seeing what you want, give your employer a chance to accommodate you before you just get fed up and leave. It looks better on both parties even if something can’t be worked out.

5. Have a contingency plan. We’d all like to be “lifers” with a great company, but shit happens, and it happens fast. Make sure that you have the cards up your sleeve to be willing to walk away from the table if you need to. Feeling trapped in a job you don’t want to be in is a very quick way to demoralize yourself.

Finally (and yeah.. this post got long…)

6. Make sure whatever you are doing for work leaves room for you to BE HAPPY about your life outside of work. This means having time to have a life outside of work, having enough money to enjoy your life outside of work and having a job that doesn’t make you feel bad about you your life inside or outside of work. The work/life balance isn’t about a specific number of hours per week or a wage you make, it’s about how it enables you to live, and how happy you can be in the process.

Errr…Maybe Allen is hollow inside? ^.^;;

Philosophy of Moderation – Part 2: Emotional

I am admittedly not so qualified to write this entry. If I had named it “mental” and gone on about self-discipline and such then perhaps I would have a bit more merit. However, as you saw in my last post, I have to write about what I’m feeling, and this is a good time to talk about emotional moderation, when it’s needed, and when maybe it isn’t.

A few posts back I talked about about what it is to be happy. I struggle with that a bit as my natural state is to be quite neutral/cold. On the plus side, I typically don’t get bent out of shape or overly depressed about a lot of things (there are, however, specific things, such as last week’s rape article…) On the downside, getting me overly excited about any specific concept is tough. I’m set at a certain level of “happy” that is very moderate. Though my level is probably lower than your average well-adjusted “happy” person, for most people being set at a certain level of “happiness” is not a new concept.

A bit oversimplified but you get the idea.

The Hedonic Treadmill is the concept that humans tend to return to a specific level of happiness despite major events or life changes (be they positive or negative.) In essence it compares our emotional state to walking on a treadmill, in which we simply need to keep walking (living) at a comfortable, indefinite pace in order to stay in place (so essentially our “natural” state of happiness.) When something awesome happens, the treadmill turns up allowing you to run and gain more (happiness), faster. But inevitably (psychologically) you’ll get tired and have to take it back down to your natural pace. Likewise when something terrible happens, the treadmill slows to a crawl, slowing your progress and setting you back until you regain your energy, allowing you to return to normal pace. Another (perhaps less confusing) way to look at it is like a thermostat, your normal happiness is set at a certain level. The outside world might make you warmer or colder for a while, but inevitably your thermostat will bring you back to the temperature you are naturally set at.

The case is often made with lottery winners and those with near unthinkable amounts of money to the average person. We always think “Man! If I had that kind of money I would always be happy!” But the truth is, those that do have that sort of money are no happier than you are most days. People adapt to basically anything (good or bad,) and no matter what we have, we always want more (especially if we think we can’t have it…) Some of us are better at it than others, so it may happen faster for some, but inevitably everyone returns to that set point. Be it Lottery, New Car, Sex, Marriage, Children, Car Accidents, Losing Your Job, Divorce and even a death in the family, life events can extend for months or even years, but your base happiness with eventually attempt to return to a certain level of happiness regardless.

Sometimes “Happy Work” means going to the beach in your suit…

Initially this idea was a little disturbing to me. To say that no matter what happens we’re always going to achieve the same general level of happiness makes it sound like striving for anything is pointless. But fortunately it actually gives us a purpose: Find a way to raise your treadmill/thermostat/hedonic set point. It sounds simple but naturally it’s more difficult than simply making yourself happy. You have to figure out what moves you, and what you can consistently to do to make yourself happier than you are now. It’s a lot of work, but it’s (obviously) happy work.

But there’s a flip side: depression. Depression (in this case) is basically the state in which perpetual negative circumstances / state of mind keep you from returning to your normal happiness setting. This can be any number of consistent negative influences: abusive relationships (usually family or spouse), imprisonment, consistent anxiety, chronic illness and drug/alcohol abuse are fairly common examples. Something key to note here is that this doesn’t mean the depressed person is “broken”, simply that a consistent negative stimuli is acting as a barrier to keep them from returning to their set point of happiness. Unfortunately it’s probably possible that an extended duration of some of these could even lower the setting on somebody’s hedonic treadmill. But the good news is, in most cases studies show that once the negative situation is removed/resolved, the majority of those experiencing this depression bounced back to their hedonic set point.

So, how do we turn up our happiness setting? Nobody knows for sure. To some extent it will vary depending on the individual. Most recent research points to some fifty percent of our happiness/hedonic set point being determined by genetics. Personally, I’m not willing to allow some unseen statistic (whether factual or not) to control how I feel, so I’m not going to think about the half that I supposedly can’t control. Instead I’ll focus on what I can. A pretty interesting study by psychologists Headey and Wearing (1989) suggested that our position on the spectrum of the stable personality traits: neuroticism, extraversion, and openness to experience (wiki links for you psych majors that want to dive in…) accounts for how we experience and perceive life events, and therefore indirectly contributes to our happiness levels (Elaborated via handy wiki-table:)

Neuroticism	Extraversion	Openness to experience
Anxiety	Warmth	Fantasy
Hostility	Gregariousness	Aesthetics
Depression	Assertiveness	Feelings
Self-consciousness	Activity	Actions
Impulsiveness	Excitement/Sensation Seeking	Ideas
Vulnerability to Stress	Positive Emotion	Values

The goal is minimizing your neuroticism category, while trying to increase your extraversion and openness to experience. This somewhat supports my longstanding philosophy that experiences are the key to being happy (over material gains… more on this in a few.) Don’t let the term “extraversion” mislead you though, you don’t have to be an extrovert to be happy, as you can see under that category many of those aspects are present in many an introvert.

So WHAT experiences then? There is no clear answer due to individual reactions to individual experiences. What should be noted though is that your hedonic set point is, in fact, chemical. As such experiences that bring temporary satisfaction through chemical interaction (such as drug/alcohol use) can have the reverse affect over time requiring more of said substance to even maintain your hedonic set point. Instead research indicates that maintaining a positive outlook / attitude, adaptability and altruism (due to the personal satisfaction reward) are the keys to staying on the positive side of your hedonic set point. As a result, reinforcing or strengthening those aspects of yourself should theoretically allow you raise your base happiness. This might help explain why those with a great deal of those with an abundance of money who appear relaxed and/or good natured are known to be highly involved and give a great deal to charity, whereas others who are equally endowed on a material level but less giving often appear more uptight, irritated or generally disagreeable.

So, long story short: We all have a pre-set level of happiness we return to. We should endeavor to live in order to raise that setting for ourselves and those around us. Money is fine, but it is best used as a key to happy experiences and to help others be happier. This, in turn, will raise our happiness. There will be setbacks, but we are, in fact programmed to return to our hedonic set point and as such, no matter what happens, we always have a chance to make more happiness so long as we can get past any circumstances keeping us from that point.

That’s a lot of experiences… just sayin’..

On a personal level, as stated above I am an experience seeker. I seek those moments of bliss and euphoria (note: NOT drug related in any way… though maybe occasionally some scotch or vodka.) But it is not so much the moment itself that contributes to my hedonic set point, but rather the positive memory of the moment that gets better and better as time goes on. Though extremely selfish, I am also fairly altruistic towards the people I believe are worthy of it. Going back to the title (though I haven’t said much of it thus far) I remain at a very moderate emotional state, which allows me to be objective in situations where other’s emotions may get the best of them. However, that leaves me more vulnerable to falling into negativity, and if I do not properly moderate those feelings, they can hold me back from the experiences that would help me feel better in the first place. All that said, who doesn’t want to be happier? I think anyone who tells themselves that is lying. Maybe when it comes to being happy, the philosophy of moderation should instead be the philosophy of abundance.

Rage Post: Why I generally hate humans, Part 1 – Rape Culture

I was going to write about a completely different subject. It’s the eve of Thanksgiving and I was going to write about happiness and how to promote and avoid becoming complacent, etc etc. And then I got my latest issue of Rolling Stone, and in it was an article about a girl that was raped at UVA.

I’m going to warn you now, this is not a happy post. It is also possible that it will upset you if you have been a victim.

Unfortunately I felt compelled to see what this article was about, and then I immediately remembered again why i carry such a general distain towards humanity. This article not only describes in detail what happened to her (I will NOT go into detail, but it involved and entire pack of frat boys in a room in the most prestigious fraternity there.) That alone literally made me want to murder these men that I do not know. Murder. Like I decided at that point that these people give up their right to exist in this world when they make that choice. If I were their god, they would suffer and perish for thinking and acting as they do.

And that’s the core of it: I CANNOT condone, understand or even conceive, after ANY amount of alcohol (and trust me, I’ve had as much as my body can take and still function) even CONSIDERING forcing a woman to have sex with me… let alone HOLDING HER down with a GROUP of men and each one of them making the choice to restrain, abuse, defile, desecrate and then assist all the others in doing the same to her!? HOW!? HOW do you EVER even EXIST knowing you CONSIDERED doing something like that? If I was somehow mind-controlled in to such an act.. the moment I came out of it and realized what I had done, I would find her, throw myself at her feet, allow her to do whatever she wished to me and inflict whatever amount of pain and suffering she wanted on me, and then, if she didn’t kill me, I would kill myself.

I consider this merciful.

When you willingly and knowingly make a PRE-MEDITATED, SUSTAINED, ORGANIZED choice to devalue a COMPLETELY
INNOCENT woman (or man.. let’s not be sexist here) like that, you are the worst thing on the planet. At that point the EBOLA VIRUS is BETTER and more NOBLE than you are. It deserves this life MORE than you do because AT LEAST it’s simply doing what it exists to do, without the conscious process to choose differently. It is being natural. HUMAN RAPE, regardless of what some might say IS NOT NATURAL. And do you know why? Because you THINK. You DO have the choice, and even somebody like me who’s been compared to a SOCIOPATH knows that such things are SO INCREDIBLY WRONG that there’s ZERO justification and ZERO reasoning.

“Oh they’re just boys being boys.” or “They are genetically programmed like that.” ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? That’s like me chopping your arm off in front of you, frying it up over a fire with a little Ponzu sauce (I do love me some ponzu!) and eating it in front of you. And then when they ask me why I did it I say “Oh well I was REALLY hungry.” and that makes it okay.

Mind you this comes from me. ME!! I’m a pretty damn hedonistic, sexual person and even with my reputation I’m far mellower now than I was at my hormonal peak. Even then.. NEVER could I justify restraining a woman (against her will.. willingly is a whole different story..) and actually enjoying violating her like that. I honestly don’t even think my equipment would work. And call me new-age but I really like my partners to be on board and enjoying it as much or more than I am…

A real man doesn’t give a fuck about ANY reputation over HUMAN RIGHTS.

But you know what? All the horrors above aren’t even the worst part. The worst part is that when she finally told somebody about it, when she overcame threats, and fear and trauma, she was told to shut up and forget it. Her friends were concerned it would affect their standing at school. Two weeks later she SAW the guy who had led her to that frat party, to the room where those men had been waiting for her, and do you know what he said? “Hey Jackie (obviously the name has been changed for the article) are you ignoring me? I wanted to thank you for the other night. I had a great time.” What!? WHAT!? That’s not even biblically evil.. that’s beyond it.. that’s sickness. He REALLY believes it’s okay for him to talk like that, as if the event was pleasant and this girl’s horror doesn’t exist. It’s a level of programmed psychosis deeper than simple sociopathy.
Even after THAT, after she quit her job where she worked with this guy and missed all her classes for a week out of trauma, even the DEAN of the school encouraged her to keep it quiet to protect the school’s reputation. The FUCKING REPUTATION. Because apparently the ACTUAL character of many of the students who attend the school doesn’t matter, so long as the reputation is intact.

Even writing about this is making me feel sick, it’s rage, pure unadulterated rage. And you know, I wish that I could say it was an isolated incident. Or just that school’s particularly dark underground. But no, according to research and statistics, this particular story is the average situation among US Universities. 1 in 5 women on a college campus is a victim or rape, but only about 12% report it. This is not an isolated thing, this is a cultural thing. And the rapists get away with it, more often than not. The statistics also say (and I found this truly alarming) that 9 out of 10 campus rapes are the result of repeat offenders, and further, the average repeat offender has six rapes under their belt. And they are getting away with it.

This CANNOT happen unless there is a SOCIETY and infrastructure in place to SUPPORT it. The bottom line is, this doesn’t just happen because people ignore it, it happens because some sick, sick people encourage it! Somewhere, a douchebag alumni dad is teaching his son that it’s okay to go to college, join a fraternity that openly objectifies women and use them for whatever they so desire whether they agree or not. Maybe he doesn’t use those words, but his stories, philosophy, and “the reputation of your fraternity, brothers, and school above all” IS the rape culture. And when these children grow up to be rapists, all the grown-up rapists who are now often rich with old money, affluent and in positions of power simply band together and use their resources to keep it quiet. They use denial, guilt, fear, shame, aggression and threats minimize the victim and nobody thinks anything of it or looks into it until somebody dies. Even then, action is questionable.

JT gets it because he’s a sexy, classy man.

It sounds like a big conspiracy. But this is a system that exists. It is FACT. It is up to those of us that know better to teach our generation and the ones below us that this is wrong on every level it can be, and must be destroyed. Fortunately women are becoming stronger, making them harder to victimize and more outspoken in order to bring these things to light, but the institutions that support this rape culture must be dismantled from the top down.

Fortunately, the government has now stepped in and the Department of Education’s Office of Civil Rights is performing extensive compliance reviews on MAJOR schools and universities that can result in the nuclear bomb of higher education – the revoking of all government funding for a school found in serious violation. It’s enough to make everyone take notice.. but it’s only a start. These rapists and their culture must be battled and dismantled until nothing remains except the stories of the evil, savages that teach future generations that they cannot be allowed make the same mistakes.

The people like the rapists mentioned above are what bring the collective of humanity down as a whole. They are parasites attempting to survive among the people that could make this world a better place, or, at least, the people who aren’t trying to make it any worse. One way another, they, meaning the culture that created and sustains them have to die.

**Note: Let me just say that I understand this is not only not just a US problem and that so many other terrible things happen in the US and around the world every day. This is just one example of one that I happened to read about and reacted strongly to, but I am in no way singling this situation out among the unfortunate mass of human idiocy/evil that plagues the entire world. It’s an irony that the same species that seems to produce truly enlightened individuals also produces those who are more evil and animalistic than any other sentient being on the planet.

Interlude: A Personal Fairy Tale (Part 1)

The Tale of Kaska-Ta – Part 1

(*Note: This is what can be described as a semi-fictional history. The settings/terms/names/periods are changed but the story facts are true.)

Long ago in tropical lands far in the south, there lived a warrior known as Kaska-Ta. Years before this story, he had been a lonely, exiled traveler going by a different name. But a group of knights had taken him in and given him a new name. The Knights of Kappo Aera taught him the ways of song and dance and war, and became his family.

Early on these knights lived under the rule of a mad king. This king was not evil, but arrogant and violent to some. Thus, for this and perhaps some other reasons in the shadows, the Prince of Stories who led this particular band of knights separated himself from the kingdom, causing much divide and resulting in a feud that would be forgiven by many but never forgotten by all.

Tropical Lands

For a time these Knights of Kappo Aera remained autonomous, the Prince of Stories who now led them called upon some of the elder knights (including Kaska-Ta) to help him train the younger warriors properly. Overall their band was happy and Kaska-Ta enjoyed spending time with and helping his peers where he could. Often, when sparring with the Lady of Diamonds or the young prodigy known as Mockingbird, he could not help but smile. In those times there was synergy and peace, even in combat.

However, the Prince of Stories who now led newly separated tribe knew he was not yet prepared to be a king, and so over time his uncertainty grew until a general from a different tribe he had met in his travels invited him to meet his own king. This king was far departed from the prince’s previous king. Though a giant physically, he was calm and serene much like his name. This man was the King of the Trees. After much discussion an arrangement was struck in which the Prince’s tribe would join with that of King of Trees and his Gull General. Thus began the golden age for the knights of Kappo Aera who would now be recognized as warriors.

It was during this time that the Prince’s Tribe was the most active and many locals came to join the tribe of warriors in the tropical south. The King of Trees and his Gull General hailed from a much colder climate and so made the trip to visit the young warriors often. Kaska-Ta was happy, and enjoyed the company of his tribe both new and old. But as everything must, things would change.

Fierce! But…

The traditions among all the tribes of Kappo Aera carried heavy tones of misogyny and disrespect for the female members of the tribes. Though the more progressive members of the tribes didn’t believe in such things, and it was often brought up only in humor, the fact remained that it was very real occurrence as evidenced by behaviors specifically at social gatherings. There was a saying that a true lord among the warriors of Kappo Aera would have a woman in every land that they traveled to. Combined with that was the Kappo Aera tradition of deception as a battle strategy. It was very often said that the sparring circle in which they trained battle was a reflection of their outside lives. As such, this deception made it’s way into many of the member’s actions. Thus was eventual bane of Kaska-Ta.

Kaska-Ta was well liked by the tribe, and especially so by many of the female members. He was kind, flirty, and humorous and made them feel at ease, especially when others were far more aggressive and overbearing than he was. Though not initially problematic, Kaska-Ta began to hear whispers from other warriors (both male and female) that some of the higher ranking warriors were displeased at the attention he was receiving. Of course, Kaska-Ta knew not all of these whispers could be entirely trusted either, but among the many there was some truth he could confirm himself. He resolved though, as long as he had his people, he would simply carry on.

The time came to make a pilgrimage to northern climates. It was the summer months so the weather was very agreeable. One of the great kings from the far off lands in which the tribes of Kappo Aera had originally descended would come and bless all the warriors under the King of Trees. The prince and as many of his southern tribe as possible made the pilgrimage in order to strengthen their union with the warriors under the King of Trees.

A Krawen Demon Prison

The Gull General existed in a dangerous part of the northern lands known as Krawen, but offered up his palace to most of the travelers from the south. However, Kaska-Ta was given different arrangements and was sent to be hosted with one of the students and families who trained under the Gull General. Though this family was very accommodating, very friendly and he had excellent arrangements, Kaska-Ta did not like being separated from the rest of his tribe. One of the newer females in his tribe had become close to him (intimately for a short time, but that time had already passed) and sent messages that she was uncomfortable among all of the generals and princes. Kaska-Ta expressed his desire to re-join his tribe, and the next day was allowed to stay in the Gull General’s palace (later he would learn this was much to the dismay of the General.)

The ceremonies began and all seemed well. Kaska-Ta marveled at the amazing talents the guest Kings, Queens and other royalty exhibited both in music and in combat. His extended family of warriors from the northern tribes of the King of Trees were equally impressive. It was an overall a joyous occasion filled with much learning and positive energy, which was what Kaska-Ta had always loved about the Kappo Aera tribes. In the evening he and some of his tribe-mates new and old were taken to largest city on the continent to marvel at the many towers and castles filled with mystic lights and great paintings. The day had truly been great.

The next day was another ceremony for another local tribe who was allied with the King of Trees. This tribe’s leader was a great scholar of his art named Onaib. Though not yet a king, he was well on his way and was truly a professor of the art and beauty that was the culture of the Kappo Aera tribes. Kaska-Ta was familiar with this teacher from a previous ceremony in which he had traveled south and personally tested Kaska-Ta (among other young warriors of the southern tribe) in combat. He was good natured and skilled while sparring and greeted each student with a combination of vigor and gentleness. He sought to test, not to punish the younger students and Kaska-Ta respected him greatly for it.

Her Namesake

Transportation to Professor Onaib’s event was arranged for Kaska-Ta and his tribemate Mockingbird traveling in the wagon of a student of another small local tribe known as the Owl Princess. She mused that her and Kaska-Ta had similar hair color and they got along well early on. One of the wheels broke along the way, but Kaska-Ta and Mockingbird were both skilled at such repairs and before long they were traveling again having bonded some through the small circumstance. They made the ceremony right on time and all was well.

During the ceremony, the Owl Princess remained close to Kaska-Ta and would often mess with his hair or rest her head on his shoulder. He enjoyed the attention, but it drew the attention of both his tribe’s Prince of Stories and the Gull General, whom Kaska-Ta was unaware had their eyes on the Owl Princess. As the day progressed the ceremony completed successfully and after further celebration many of the warriors (including the Owl Princess) made their way back to the palace of the Gull General. Immediately after the ceremony, during the after parties and dinner, Kaska-Ta had noticed the attention of the Owl Princess was being intentionally diverted away from him, to some extent by the Prince of Stories and then aggressively by the Gull General.

Once at the palace, the Gull General disappeared to the tower, and so too did the Owl Princess. During this time, the Mockingbird, who had long been adopted as a second son of the Gull General warned his tribe mate Kaska-Ta that the reason the Gull General had pulled the Owl Princess away was because she had long since been “one of his girls”. Kaska-Ta replied that she had told him she was without a dedicated mate, and was somewhat surprised because the Gull General had recently impregnated one of the southern tribe women, though it was not established they were dedicated mates either. “It matters not… you know this.” The Mockingbird replied. Yes, Kaska-Ta was familiar with the culture, even if he didn’t agree with or follow it.

Later, after the festivities had died down, the Owl Princess approached Kaska-Ta, who had been distant and asked him why. Irritated at her deception, he asked her why she had not told him of the Gull General, but she did not answer and instead became defensive, denied her involvement and moved away again. However, when the witching hour had passed, he once again approached her to say goodbye as she intended to return to her home and kingdom. At her request, Kaska-Ta agreed to escort her to her carriage. When they arrived at her transport, away from the ears of the palace, she asked him to stay with her a short time so she could speak with him. Kaska-Ta agreed and for some time they spoke of her family and then her involvement with the Gull General. She was sad, and said that he confused her by sometimes treating her as a princess, and then other times ignoring or even berating her. She knew that he paid attention to other women, but sometimes when he was with her, he would be so tender that she felt he truly cared. Kaska-Ta was irritated by this as he had heard such things many times before. But he listened patiently, trying to cheer her up and convince her that the fault was not hers. Unfortunately, during this dialog disaster struck…

What is it to be happy?

As inevitably happens this time of year, I was prompted to think about what I am thankful for. I worried a bit about how ungrateful I might actually be when I initially struggled to answer the question. But the the truth is that picking any specific thing is the hard part. So I thought to myself “Well… if I’m happy, then I just need to pick what makes me happy.” But then the realization came to me: I’m not happy. I’m content, even cheerful, but regularly happy? No. Or am I? On the other hand I am by no means unhappy. Overall I’m pretty pleased with myself and the world around me. Certainly I have a number of misgivings about that world around me and my own lack of progress in many areas thus far, but I have been depressed, miserable and even suicidal before and I am nowhere near any of these things. I’m “good”. But is that happy?

Dave Matthews Band in Tampa 2014 – I was happy.

I have most certainly been happy in moments. There are many moments in recent and distant memory that can only be described as love and/or unadulterated joy. This can be attributed to anything ranging from Dave Matthews Band Concerts (pretty consistently.. at least once per concert..) to some sort of amazing food (often involving cheese or ponzu sauce…) to memories of when certain people looked at me the right way and it made the center of my chest warm and tingly… I’m also a sap for certain movies / shows to where I am so happy about the story I’m almost in tears. But all of these moments are spikes, high points that only last so long as the moment does, and then it’s back to being “good” or “alright” or “content” (with occasional low points as well… we all have them.) None of those terms sound like regular happiness so it makes me wonder… what exactly does consistent happiness feel like!?

My first inclination is to say gratitude. Indeed I am typically in a better state of mind and feel things are going my way when I can genuinely count my blessings and be grateful for the things I have. Admittedly (though I’m not where I want to be and/or going there fast enough just yet,) I realize I have a huge number of things to be grateful for, but it simply isn’t enough to allow me to hold on to that “happy” feeling for more than a short time. Perhaps this means I really don’t appreciate what my life has given me, maybe real happiness is a matter of being endlessly grateful for all this life has provided you no matter how much or how little you have in comparison to others. If such gratitude should be relative then despite having grown up relatively poor, I and most others living in this country should indeed be happy pretty much all the time. That would also mean, though, that in order to be consistently happy we would have to compare and contrast our lives against either (or both) our own previous misfortune or that of others. In a sense that’s almost like celebrating the fact that I have it better than so many people around the world. I realize that I actually do. But I can’t imagine that recognizing and celebrating that is the secret to happiness.

Some gifts make folks happier than others…

Naturally the way around that dilemma is giving. I like to give selfishly, meaning that I do so because it makes me feel good to give things to those who are either important to me, have earned it or sometimes are just in the right place at the right time (such as the homeless I usually feed during Ramadan.) All of these things give me a temporary sense of accomplishment or pride. However, I also really hate being indebted to people (again pride I believe.) When I was younger I was forced to rely on others for basically everything. Now that I don’t have to, I hate to be in a situation where I feel as if I owe somebody something. Giving to others helps me even the “score” (again generally speaking) or even shift it as far to the other side of owing somebody as I can. That sort of standing is very satisfying, but is that happiness? Even if it is, like all the other situations it is fleeting.

I suppose then that I want to see an example of somebody that is visibly, obviously in an elevated mood (as in “happy”.. like Pharrell?) as a regular state of being. What’s the secret? At what point do you meet the criteria that you can be honest when people ask you “Are you happy?” and you can honestly reply “Oh yes! Absolutely!” Maybe it is really something we all strive for as often as possibility but we are hard-wired to be unable to grasp it constantly. Perhaps it is (as we say) “the pursuit of happiness” that continues to give us purpose and causes us to seek out new and meaningful experiences. Having been in an emotionally grey state of mind for many years now, I’m trying to figure out if it’s just me who isn’t sure about this sort of thing, or if in fact it’s part of the human condition. In all honesty I try to avoid classifying myself as “human” whenever possible, but some concepts come with the territory of this life and maybe the secret to happiness is accepting that it will never be a regular thing but instead the one universal goal or ideal each individual can shoot for in their own personal (sometimes really twisted) way. Regardless if you feel you are generally happy all the time, share you secret with me! But if you’re more like me, as the holidays descend upon us, let’s make it a point to have as many happy moments as possible. If it can’t be all the time, let’s make it as often as possible.

How to: Casual Sex

My last post on relationships / cheating / communication was the most popular in the last five posts or so. I know, you want juicy stuff as opposed to pictures of fantastic food (though I maintain that tasty food is one the great joys in this life.) I think you’ll find that communication (and a lack thereof) remains a major theme in many of these posts as it directly affects the success of probably 90% of human social interaction.

It’s tough. He understands.

Anyway, as you’ve read a few times now I’ve been single for right about eight years now (I’m literally within a week or so of the anniversary of the breakup.) Post relationship I spent a lot of time focusing on myself and rebuilding, and then a few years later I started looking around for somebody who could be “the one”. Well, the bad news is I haven’t found her yet. The good news is I’ve gotten pretty good at this bachelor thing. I’ve had a fair amount of forward movement professionally, I’m improving my financial status daily, I’ve got some pretty strong bonds with friends of mine personally and (sometimes related) I’ve generally been pretty successful sexually (As in, women have regularly found me desirable enough to share themselves with me in that manner…) So if I can’t have the one, this is a pretty awesome close second.

What blows my mind when I talk about this with some people is why they (or more often their “partners”) really suck at this casual sex thing. It’s like they took something they saw in a movie and expected real life to be like that (thanks Hollywood.) While I understand the male need to “alpha” (ugh) and the female desire to not be a “slut” (really ugh) you need to understand that those terms, and even those concepts are fucking ridiculous ideas created by insecure morons who were likely trying to manipulate you in order to keep you “in your place”. Men must be physical, unrelenting, dominant, stupid cave men, and women must be weak, blindly dedicated, subservient nurturers. Obviously… NO. Now don’t get me wrong, this sort of role-play in the bedroom as playtime is all fine and well and healthy if that’s what you’re into, but as a standard of operation in the real world it’s narrow-minded and limiting for both genders.

So, whether you’re in-between serious relationships, getting a little on the side (legitimately.. or not..), indefinitely single by choice or you’re like me and are holding out for “the one”, here’s a few guideline “Dos and Do Nots” that have worked very well for me and I think are pretty universal (but is nowhere CLOSE to a complete list.)

First, DO:

Honesty at work.

1. Be Honest. If there is one thing that will ruin a potentially good situation and make it ugly, it’s you spouting a bunch of bullshit. It’s not “the game”. It’s real adult life, so act like it. Be straight up about what you want (and even how you want it…) in the beginning, even if it’s tough to let somebody who was hoping for more down. It’s true, this might damage your chances of getting busy in the short term, but think of it as an investment. The worst thing that happens is they respect you for being straight up with them and move on. Sometimes though, they become friends, and sometimes that comes with benefits. More than a few times I’ve been told I’m a good choice for that sort of thing because they know where I stand and don’t have to worry about complications. Honesty keeps it simple. When things are simple we can do our thing and get on with our lives.

2. Be Respectful. This is huge. Did you know that when somebody feels like you respect them, they are much more likely to let you see them naked? It’s not rocket science. This means eliminating words like “slut, whore, etc” from your dictionary as those are basically misogynistic double standards created to shame women (and albeit far less often, men.) Newsflash: If you make people feel bad about being sexual, they are a lot less likely to be sexual with you. This is ironic because people will often put down somebody’s sexual activity/history with others and then turn around and try to make something happen. You’re not going to make them feel okay about hooking up with you if you berate them for hooking up with others.

3. Be A Friend. So a big part of functioning as a friend with benefits, is (wait for it) being an actual friend. I’m not saying you need to pour your soul out to them and spend a bunch of time with them, but communicate, relate and hang out without any expectations periodically. You’ll find some people become important to you and others stay very casual, but as long as there’s not false expectations, things stay pretty light. When the benefits DO kick in, it depends on the person, but they might be wanting to play every time they see you anyway. Sometimes that really IS the core of your “friendship” (gee darn.) But the danger is in assuming. So be cool, be a friend, keep it light, and fun. The more fun and flirty (if accepted / appropriate) you are, the more likely at some point you’ll hit that moment when you know something is about to go down.

4. Be Patient. If there is any one major secret to my sexual success, it is that I know when to be patient. Often times people are not in the mindset / position to hook up (or, maybe just not hook up with you) when you first meet. But that doesn’t mean they won’t always be. If you were honest (see step 1) and told them what you were about in regards to them, and then you were respectful (see step 2) then you will probably have some level of interaction with them on a friends basis (see step 3.) So long as you’re not overbearing about it, if they thought of you sexually at some point in the past, odds are somewhere deep down it crosses their mind from time to time IF you’ve been fun and easy to be around. Then if you’re lucky, they’ll let you know when they feel like acting on those thoughts.

Possibly overkill….

5. Be Smart. Sometimes I tell my friends stories of people I know that have literally slept with over a hundred people. To this day they are healthy and happy and obviously know how to attract attention. On the flip side I have personally witnessed somebody in a Frat House years ago who had been with probably five people in their life at most, hook up with three different people consecutively in a drunken rampage that didn’t appear to include protection. That, to me, is a stupid, sad story. (For the record, there was no visible rape involved… this person was literally seeking the people out and they were very happy to receive them…) Point being, both sound pretty scary right? Yes and no. There’s something to be said about numbers, as number of partners can indeed affect your chances of contracting an STI. But the point of my example is that the first person knows what they are doing, is protected and communicates openly with their partners. The second… not so much (obviously.) Who’s the bigger risk for you to hook up with? Call me traditional (see that whole friendship thing) but I kinda like to get to know my partners and even moreso communicate with them. Does this mean I haven’t hooked up randomly at a party before…? Well, no. But I was protected and though I left the next morning, I left my information (which she was super surprised by), we became friends, had some great sex and her and I have hooked up a few times in between her boyfriends since then. Regardless my point is: Learn about your potential partner by communicating with them, use protection, get tested. It’s all fun and games until you start screwing around with somebody’s health (including your own.)

Next: DO NOT:

1. Have expectations. This isn’t just about friends with benefits, this is about dating in general. Numerous times have my friends told me the person they were out with made some offhanded remarks like “Oh man you’re going to be so amazing when we finally sleep together…” What?! I can’t even make up something that ridiculous. Needless to say that sort of attitude is a very quick way to screw your chances (no pun intended…) and possibly damage the friendship. Having expectations also leads to inevitable disappointment if they happen to not feel like hooking up at that point. This can cause you act out in stupid ways and damage your chances in the future too. So play it cool, show your interest (casually!) and don’t count on something happening the first, second or any time. To be honest I’m not certain of the science behind it but I very often end up getting busy when I am pretty sure something won’t happen going into the evening for whatever reason. It’s nice to be surprised!

What.. are.. you?!

2. Try too hard. I’ve done it, you’ve done it, we’ve all gotten to the point where we got really really excited about a potential date/hookup/girlfriend/boyfriend/etc. We got super nervous, put on too much smelly stuff, forced the conversation and likely drank entirely too much in the process. Where did it get you? Lot’s of places, but not in bed with the person you wanted. Both genders have a sense for when the other is trying too hard, and it comes off as desperation, which in most cases is a huge turn-off. Sometimes they may have totally planned to hook up with you, and the sort of erratic behavior that comes from nervousness and irritating passive-aggressive pushiness convinces them it might be a bad idea. It’s good to seem interested, but keep your cool because desperation will scare most people off.

Don’t Judge. 😀

3. Judge. I’m going to be straight with you here, your opportunities for casual sexual encounters will come from all kinds of unexpected places (I mean.. they have websites for this stuff.. and no, for the record, I’ve never used Ashley Madison.) Anyway, the point is regardless of circumstance, judging the other person for their choices will (obviously) screw up any chance you have of hooking up with them. I’m not just talking about those fooling around on their spouse either. You want to take the moral high ground? That’s your business. But otherwise people are in totally honest, open, polyamorous or even mostly monogamous relationships that might, for some reason with to include you and/or legitimately see you outside of it. Maybe the idea of multiple people weirds you out? Well that’s fine! But judging others about their activities outside of their involvement with you is not. At the very least, it’s really hypocritical being that you’re trying to make yourself a part of those decisions.

4. Be Possessive. This happens all the time, and women get the bad rap for it despite the fact then men very often get emotionally attached and fall into this trap. “No Strings Attached” means no strings attached. (Like “no means no” with more words.) Do not come into a situation claiming your ability to remain unattached and keep it casual and then expect it to magically change (thanks again Hollywood.) If you begin to feel differently, you’re gonna have to talk about it. The whole point of the benefits behind casual sex is that it’s casual. You can get together, have a good time, maybe grab a bite to eat, and get on with your lives without having to take it with you. It’s like going to the gym: you might be sore from it the next day, but otherwise it has no effect on your outside life other than making you feel better about things. I realize that for some the emotional separation is difficult, and it’s easy to attach to somebody that is both a good friend and fantastic in the sack, but once you start feeling like you can tell them not to see anyone else, or go on dates, or even how often they need to see you, you’ve crossed the line from casual to trying to control them, and that’s not okay. If you find this happening you need to talk about it, and it may be best if you downgrade to regular friendship. If by chance you’re both wanting to take it to the next level? That’s wonderful! But very rare, so don’t hold your breath.

If you keep you head in the right place and your emotions in check, you can have a really great time and take care of those urges without hurting anyone. I think that’s the best thing: when everyone knows what they want, they get it, and everyone walks away happy. But this is only going to happen if you’re willing to be honest and communicate about your situations.

I could go on about this forever, I even considered dividing it into two posts. But I liked how it flowed, and I felt it was related enough it warranted a long post. Last week was the longest post yet until this one and it was very popular so perhaps you don’t mind a lot of words as long as I can keep it interesting (or maybe just sexy.) Regardless, expect more on this, we’re just getting started.

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The Grey Area

Moderate. Libertine. Hedonist.